The Bachelor Page #6

Ten times ten million dollars.

one hundred million dollars.

Now, kid, just remember...

Buckley can be very loving.

Father, would you zip me, please?

okay. I'm ready.

- Assembled mourners...

- Wrong service, Father.

Is it?

one hundred million dollars.

Dearest, any chance

you could say that silently?

one hundred...

Why don't we skip the pet names?

This is a business arrangement,

pure and simple.

It's a little more than that. We'll

be spending a lot of time together.

I don't see why. You'll keep your place

in the city. I'll stay in Marin.

We'll see each other

when we absolutely need to.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today...

I'm sorry, Father. Roy, what did you

tell her about the will's provisions?

I don't recall my exact words.

We can only spend

one night apart a month.

one night together a month.

- Pardon me.

- Nice job.

Does the will require

that we sleep in the same bed...

or would, say,

twin beds create a problem?

None at all.

opposite wings

in an enormous manor?

As long as you're

under the same roof.

Continue, please, Father.

Don't worry. We'll adjust.

That will hardly be necessary. Three

years will be over before we know it.

- Go ahead.

- oh, Lord.

- Three?

- Go on.

- To join these people in matrimony.

- Excuse me, Father.

I may have misspoken.

The marriage has to last longer.

- Ten years.

- A decade?

Pardon me.

And in ten years, I go free?

Free as a bird.

- With my half of the estate?

- Yes.

And I can live anywhere

and with anyone I want?

If you choose, you can leave

the children and move to Afghanistan.

- Do you, Jimmie...

- Children?

Don't worry.

You have five years.

Take this Buckley...

one hundred million dollars.

Children within five years.

one hundred million dollars.

Children within five years.

one kid! That's all!

Do like the English! As soon as he can

crawl, ship him off to boarding school.

You can have an epidural!

Roy, let's go!

I've got to fill out

some paperwork.

What paperwork?

What are you talking about?

Freeze the company's accounts

to prepare it for sale.

You're cuttin' us off

without a goddamn dime!

You think I want to?

We won't get paid without that money.

I'll lose my home.

So if I act illegally,

I'll lose mine!

You have three homes!

I'm a lawyer.

There's still 17 hours, all right?

Let's not panic.

I'll think of someone.

You better. We've got

our backs to the wall.

Time for desperate measures.

What about my daughter?

- Absolutely not.

- Why not?

- She isn't good enough for you?

- She's 15!

It's pretty late in the game

for you to be Mr. Choosy.

Give me a lift home.

I'm too disgusted to drive.

From now on,

we're only dating divorcs.

Why?

'Cause we'll know

they're already ready.

Right. or widowers then.

Can't forget the widowers.

If only Jimmie had

one dead wife, right?

- Then he'd be ready.

- or two.

- Imagine if he had two, boy.

- Yeah, then you guys would be married.

Do you think he'll call?

He doesn't even know

you're here.

Yeah, that's right.

Can you imagine Jimmie

at that salsa club tonight?

oh, my God. Trying to do

that Rico Suave dip move.

oh, my gosh.

The Riverdancer he's not.

Always kicks me in the shins

and he scrunches my toes.

That would have been hysterical

to watch him try.

- Call him.

- What do you mean, "call him"?

okay, what do I say?

That you love him and

you'll keep seeing each other...

as long as he doesn't propose.

That's it! That is it!

- Calm down.

- The sun!

The sun! It's rising!

Just sit down, all right? The

important thing is to find me a bride.

- I'm thinking here.

- You're thinkin'?

Well, zippity-doo-dah!

Hey, he's thinkin'!

I hear the flowers

bursting into song.

Hey, listen. one moment, sir.

The wheels are turning.

Ah, yes, proof positive

indeed that there is a God.

You know why? Because my friend has

finally experienced brain activity!

Hey, let's hear

what he has to say.

- Pray, do tell.

- It's not them. It's me.

They can see it in my face,

just like Anne.

They know I don't

want to get married.

That's it.

- Where you goin'?

- To get you a wife.

Alone!

You think I'm gonna sit back

and let you pick my wife?

- It's our only hope!

- What is that supposed to mean?

You know how many times

you've proposed now? Ten!

No, nine,

and that includes Anne.

Excuse me! Ten!

What am I supposed to do,

just wait here?

Just be at Saint Peter and Paul Church

at 5:
00. I'll have someone.

Don't forget the priest,

and happy birthday.

He's still not there!

- Leave a message on the answer machine.

- It's not picking up!

The next train doesn't

leave until 1:
15.

You're kidding!

Well, let's go anyway.

So much for sleeping.

What time did you say

we can get into that church?

2:
30.

That gives us hours.

You got any ideas?

They all make it look so easy.

- Been a long night, huh?

- No kidding.

It's grueling out there.

You definitely made the right decision

as far as the whole celibacy thing.

I believe we were put here

to love and cherish one another.

Sharing your life with someone

you love is a blessing.

Somebody very wise

taught me that.

- Jesus?

- My wife.

You're married?

I was happily married

for 26 years.

I only put on this collar

when my wife died.

I'm the father of four

and the grandfather of ten.

A priest with grandchildren.

That's the youngest.

Took his first steps last Tuesday.

Getting married was

one of the best things I ever did.

It's a wonderful thing

as time goes by...

to be with someone who looks

into your face when you've gotten old...

and still sees what you think

you look like.

The first time

Ever I saw your face

I thought the sun

Rose in your eye

Welcome to the other side?

Best thing you ever did, huh?

- Hello?

- Who's this?

- Who's this?

- It's Anne.

oh, Anne, it's Rita.

Hey, Mr. All-nighter,

it's Anne looking for Jimmie.

How's Greece?

oh, hi, Marco.

Where's Jimmie?

He's not home?

We were out, you know, boy stuff.

And you ended up with his phone?

What did you do to him?

Take it easy. You goin' to Athens

nearly cost me my job...

not to mention, breakin' his heart.

Well, I didn't go.

I didn't go. I never went.

I'm here in Mendocino with...

Yeah, okay. With Natalie.

We're taking the 1:15 home.

So can you find Jimmie

and will you...

Well, find Jimmie

and just tell him...

that I really, really

want to see him for dinner, okay?

- Yeah.

- okay, thanks.

Hurry!

So this is where

I'm going to tie the knot.

Me and Marco's mystery bride.

Why don't you try

to get some sleep?

If I shut my eyes,

I'll want to sleep forever.

You got about three hours.

Here. Hold on. Here.

Maybe when you wake up...

the world will look

a lot different.

So, they get in at 5:50.

Which leaves us only 15 minutes to get

to the church and get them married.

Tight, but doable.

Does she know about last night?

Like I'm gonna tell her.

That's Jimmie's problem.

If he had had more balls

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