The Bachelor Page #7

in the first place...

The thing is, he's not home

and I have his cell phone.

- Have you heard from him?

- Not a word.

Good news, darlin'.

You're off the hook.

I guess the only thing

is to get to the church.

There will be some disappointed brides

there, but they'll get over it.

- "Some"?

- Half a dozen, a dozen tops.

I put an ad in the classifieds.

Very good thinkin'.

Thanks. It cost me some bucks.

Plus I had to send them a picture.

For the classified?

"Would you marry this man for 100..."

What? What is this?

- Read it!

- Did you see this?

No way! Come on!

Yes!

What time is it?

I got ten to 5:
00.

Who said you could speak, a**hole?

This is not my fault!

I only put an ad in the classifieds.

Maybe we could sue.

Shut up! Shut up! I swear I'll break

your scrawny neck with my bare hands!

According to him,

who better remain silent...

Anne will be here by 6:00

at the latest.

We got five minutes

for a wedding service.

If we keep the church,

we're golden.

What the hell?

oh, poor Jimmie.

Get off my train!

Hello, handsome.

Well, hello there!

Let's get the hell out of here, huh?

I got my bike outside.

Don't even think about it.

- Let go, freak!

- "Freak"?

- He's mine, you hippo!

- In your dreams!

Take it easy!

oh, damn! Johnnie, pick me!

I'll make you so happy!

- It was like you were dead in heaven.

- It's Jimmie!

You're my last chance,

my last chance.

Princeton University,

the same college as Brooke Shields.

He didn't say nothin' in the paper

about education. Is that important?

Yes, you have to tell us

how you're choosing.

Yeah, we need criteria.

Fair is fair, honey! Come on!

Give us criteria.

Criteria! Criteria!

Calm down! Calm down!

Please, calm down! Look!

My criteria are...

you know, the same as any man's.

Answer the damn question!

This is a difficult situation.

I'm not gonna rush through it

and risk hurting people's feelings.

He was firm!

I love that in a man!

- And yet somehow, still sensitive.

- oh, shut up.

- Is religion a criteria?

- Absolutely not.

How about education?

Is that a criterion?

I suppose some college

would be a plus.

- College?

- A plus, but not a requirement.

How about English?

She has to speak English.

I'm sorry.

I gotta draw the line somewhere.

How's about looks?

Looks?

Yeah, looks!

That's a hard question...

because, as you know,

physical attraction is...

It's a chemistry thing, really.

What she means is, should we clear out

and leave you with the skinny blonds?

I didn't say that.

But we are talking about

weight limit, aren't we?

- Well...

- How much?

What's the weight criteria?

Right on, sister.

- I don't know.

- What's your cutoff?

- 150?

- 150!

You don't get a set like these

at 150!

Why don't you just say

skinny blonds and get it over with?

Skinny blonds with big jugs!

Don't put that clich on me.

You just said the criteria

were the same as most other men.

Most other men like blonds.

It's a simple syllogism.

- But even so...

- Hey!

Do you like blonds?

I'm not gonna say

I don't like blonds!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Ladies!

Ladies and ladies.

As the priest of this church, I feel

it is my holy duty to inform you...

that this man has no money and has

no intention of marrying any of you.

The whole thing was a prank.

It went a little too far.

Anyway, if we could clear out

the church as quickly as possible...

we have to make way

for a real wedding.

Go in peace.

Not true!

He's lying, all right?

Who are we supposed to believe,

you or a priest?

Yeah, what you think? You think

you're some kind of comedian?

Gettin' us all excited and dressed up

just so you can slap us in the face?

I don't think so.

Excuse me, baby.

I don't want to get rowdy

up in this church, but I will.

Now, somebody gettin' married

up in here today, and it better be me.

You're all alike.

You lead us on, then won't commit.

Is that how you get your kicks,

playing with women's hopes and dreams?

Thank God I'm bisexual.

Here comes the bride!

Take it easy! Geez!

Come here!

I'm wondering, since I wake up

in a church full of brides...

what is my face doing

on the front page of the paper?

- Answer?

- Anne's here, or will be!

Get back, you animals!

- Her train arrives in 40 minutes!

- Cut the crap!

There's no direct trains

from Athens to San Francisco.

- It's true.

- She wants to have dinner with you.

Dinner?

From now on we do it

my way, all right? Agreed?

- Agreed!

- All right!

All right. I'm too excited to think!

What do we do?

We obviously can't have a wedding

in a church infested with brides.

Exactly!

Can you get to the station?

- In 40 minutes?

- Yes! Thank you.

Guys, I'm leaving you to take care

of this mob. Don't let me down.

Crazy broads!

That will be $400.

I'll give you double if you can

have it at the station in half an hour.

A customer gets

what a customer wants.

Hey! Drop back!

- Ladies!

- Let's get him!

There he is!

Stop!

I'll squash you

with my bare hands!

Take me to the station

as fast as you can!

You'll be delighted to hear

we're arriving five minutes early.

oh, my God.

You're not gonna like this.

The northbound City of Seattle is

ready for boarding on track number 16.

Ladies and gentlemen, train 623...

has arrived at 5:49

on track number two.

The express in the station at 5:49,

track number two.

Do you have a second?

I just gotta say something to you.

You're not going to

propose again, are you?

You just really wouldn't want to let

a girl down for a third time.

I know, but today I was at

the Palace of Fine Arts, all right?

I was on the lake with this priest.

It was really romantic.

We were there a couple

of years ago, remember?

Suddenly I had this image of your hair

going into your eye...

and I remember I pulled it back

and there was this freckle.

Have you been crying?

Damn it!

This has been the worst day

of my life.

You obviously know about the money. What

you don't know is that I had to do it.

I would have been responsible

for closing down the whole company.

I don't even know if you know

I'm not married, which I'm not...

but I want to be.

- Would you please say something?

- Why didn't you tell me?

I guess I didn't trust you

to believe me...

that I wanted to marry you first...

and that the money was like

a really big wedding gift.

I've spent the whole night asking

every woman in the world to marry me.

"Every woman"?

You asked Buckley?

Every one but the one I want.

What was that that you were

saying about my freckle?

It's still there.

If you want to walk away,

I understand...

but I really got to tell you this.

Today I realized that the only thing

really special about me is you.

I can spend my whole life,

scared and alone...

rowing around with some priest...

or I could tell you

how much I love you...

that you make me so happy...

and if it takes our whole married life

to make it up to you...

I would be so honored

just to have that chance.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes