The Back-up Plan

I can't believe

I didn't get a pedicure for this.

How embarrassing. Look at that.

If I were with a real guy doing this,

I would've gotten a pedicure.

And a wax.

Oh, sh*t, that one's worse.

-Sorry I didn't get a pedicure.

-What?

My toes.

-l'm sorry.

-l'm not looking at your toes.

-l'm looking at your cervix.

-Right.

Now I kind of wish

you were looking at my toes.

-All done.

-That's it?

We'll elevate your legs for

First time l hear that ticking clock

and l'm not freaking out.

-Good. Just relax.

-l can't. l'm totally freaking out.

Come on.

Everything's gonna be great.

I have a feeling that you and...

...CRM-1 014 are gonna

make beautiful babies together.

Yeah. Thank you.

Oh, God, l hope this works.

I've wanted this for so long.

Maybe this isn't how

I pictured it exactly.

Thought I'd have

a little more support.

-No! You don't want kids. Trust me.

-Easy for you to say. You have four.

-And it's awful. They've ruined my life!

-Hi, munchkins.

What? No! Go away!

Have you seen my vagina?

I mean, have you?

Because I would show it to you.

I will show it to you just to prove...

...that you don't want to have kids.

I will show you my vagina.

I don't want to see that.

I want a baby.

I think you're tired of being alone.

Haven't met the right guy.

Not about a guy. l've dated hundreds

of guys over the past five years.

Not one of them's close

to being the one.

It's just not happening for me.

-Yeah, but doesn't mean that it won't.

-Doesn't mean that it will.

Is that my chicken?

What are you doing?

Give it back!

That is your dinner, not a toy!

I hate them. Do you smell pee?

So, l had to figure it out on my own.

I examined every possibility and

arrived at the most logical conclusion.

Will you be my baby-daddy?

What? No, l can't be the father.

Are you out of your mind?

What are you talking--?

No. I am in my sexual prime.

I have more women to bed before I do

something as idiotic as having a baby.

Clive, you're my friend.

Don't you want to help me?

We don't have to have sex.

You don't have to be involved at all.

All right? Just give me your sperm.

Okay. Okay,

you're feeling lonely, right?

Maybe a little dead down there.

I get it, I get it. Been a long time

since you've had, you know.

Just shut up, okay?

-Just forget it. Forget the whole thing!

-What?

Well, that was a bust.

So I took life by the horns...

...and I did what l had to do.

Yeah.

It's gonna be okay.

I have a plan.

Ding.

-You don't have to walk like that.

-What? Oh, okay.

By the way, l know an excellent

support group for single moms...

-...if you're interested.

-Great. Great.

Maybe we should hug. We might

have just made a baby together.

-Good luck.

-Okay. All right.

Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi!

-Get away from me!

Taxi!

Hallelujah!

Excuse me. This is my cab.

-What, you own it?

-No, but I'm about to rent it.

If someone hails a cab and it pulls up,

you can't jump in and say it's yours.

-l didn't see you.

-l saw you see me.

Sir. Sir, excuse me.

Who saw you first?

Look, maybe you're not

from around here, but there's a code.

-Certain rules that we try to follow.

-Fine! Forget it. I'll get out.

You're not right, but l'm in

a terrific mood and you're ruining it.

No, I'll get out.

-Now what?

-l don't know. You tell me.

-Hey, hey!

-Where's he going? Come back!

Well, that was stupid.

Why'd you get out, you stupid-head?

You said you were in a great mood

and l was ruining it. l felt bad.

I'm sorry,

did you just call me a stupid-head?

How's your great mood now?

Please, stop talking to me.

So why are you in

such a good mood anyway?

Not that it's your business,

but good things are happening to me.

Wow, that's great.

I hope it continues.

Thanks.

Well, have a nice life.

And try not to steal any more cabs.

Yeah, you do the same.

Hey, there's a penny right there.

Why don't you pick it up?

It's good luck.

Only if it's heads.

Now somebody else

can have good luck. Bye.

Bye.

Thank you for coming to

Hudson Mutts.

Hi, Nutsy!

Oh, my God. You're glowing.

-Hello.

-Oh, my God. She's glowing, right?

-Tell us everything.

-Not much to tell.

You got shot up with red-headed

freckle sperm.

There's something to tell.

He had red hair and freckles?

Why'd you do that?

-Tried to talk her out of it.

-Red pubes.

Never saw his pubes.

It was a vial of semen.

So come on, what happened?

I lay down,

put my feet over my head.

Five minutes later, it was over.

I barely felt a thing.

So basically,

it was like having sex with Clive.

-You wish.

-l'll be in the back, legs over my head.

-Red hair and freckles!

-You had your chance!

-What?

-l don't know. It's just weird.

Who is this guy

she was with anyway?

She wasn't actually with him.

Yeah, but l still want to kick his ass.

Is that wrong?

You're stupid.

Okay, all right.

Welcome to

Single Mothers and Proud.

As the name suggests,

we are all single, mothers...

...and proud.

Hey, all right.

Okay. Some of us have adopted.

Some of us have conceived

with a donor.

Every story is different, but

with the same common denominator.

We wanted a child,

and we made it happen on our own.

We sure did. We sure did.

Are you already a single mother

or are you trying to become one?

Oh, l was just inseminated

a few days ago.

Inseminated. Makes me feel

like a cow or something.

Well, we do what we have to do

when we don't have a penis partner.

-That's right.

-So let's hear about you.

Oh, okay. Let's see.

Well, l own a pet store.

Yeah. l used to work in the corporate

world, which was great for a while...

...but it just didn't feel like the life

that I wanted to live.

So now l'm happy on the work front,

but you know.

I don't know.

Even though l have more balance...

...it's personal.

I still haven't found "the one,"

so that's why l'm....

Well, the elusive one.

-Good luck.

-Yeah, right.

If l had a dollar for every time

I heard that.

I thought I'd be married with kids

by now...

...but that's just not happening...

...so l guess it's time for

my backup plan. So....

Well, Zoe, listen.

If you really want a baby...

...we here at

Single Mothers and Proud...

...can be your partners.

From inception to graduation,

everything in between.

We can be here for you.

Great.

Thank you.

Dakota was born right here.

In this very room.

-Right where you're sitting, actually.

-Really?

Right here?

Imagine that. Funny.

So how old is your baby now?

I'm 3.

So cute.

Why do you need a support group?

-You're not very supportive.

-What?

You just told me that if

I breast-feed...

...my girls are gonna wind up

looking like empty tube socks.

Hey, I'm just being honest.

Don't even get me started on

what childbirth does to your bladder.

What does it do to your bladder?

I think I just peed a little bit.

I don't think l'm pregnant anyway.

Doctor says it takes a few tries.

Something about frozen sperm

being lazy.

Oh, come with me for a minute.

I have to make some muffins for some

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