The Back-up Plan Page #2

bullshit teacher-appreciation day.

-You're gonna make muffins?

-Oh, hell, no.

But there's a place here

that sells them.

I pick out the worst ones

and l pretend I made them.

Come on.

Okay, which is the ugliest?

Seems like a lot of trouble

for something trivial.

Welcome to motherhood.

-There's that guy.

-What guy?

The one selling cheese. l know him.

He's hot.

-He sells cheese?

-You sell hamsters.

-Can l help you ladies?

-No. We're good, thank you.

Like what you see?

-What?

-Just talking about the muffins.

-Hey, you.

-Hey.

Hi. What a nice surprise.

How did you know l worked here?

I didn't.

Oh, okay.

Did you follow me here?

Follow you?

To the farmers' market?

Are you kidding me?

No, we came to buy muffins.

You were here. Tell him.

You better buy something.

You ate all my samples.

Well, it's really nice to see you,

but I never got your name. l'm Stan.

-Oh, Zoe.

-Zoe.

I'm Mona. So how do you two

not know each other?

-He stole my cab.

-She stole my cab.

Okay.

We should go.

-We should?

-Yeah, we have that important thing.

Can your thing wait

just a few minutes?

I'll give you a taste of my cheese.

I can rephrase that.

Okay. This is our basic chvre.

Probably our best seller and the

cheese that started it all, as they say.

These are our surface-ripened

cheeses. These are fantastic.

And these are the aged

raw-milk cheeses. Now--

This is really boring, isn't it?

-No.

-Yes.

This is Louie. He works for me.

-Hi.

-Hi. Zoe.

-Zoe.

-Mona.

-Can l give you a sample box?

-Oh, yeah.

-l'm okay.

-We're okay.

You're not lactose intolerant,

are you? l hate that.

Hey. You're still coming over tonight,

right?

Yeah. Yeah.

We should go.

-Are you ready?

-l want a sample box.

Okay. Well, I gotta go. Bye.

Bye.

-You said free sample box, right?

-Yes.

-Free? Okay.

-Absolutely.

In that case....

Okay, spill it.

Who is he, what does he do...

-...how do we know him?

-Who?

Stan from the farmers' market.

He's called twice already.

I'm gonna kill Mona.

Is he a farmer?

-He makes cheese.

-He's a Pilgrim?

Mona said his feta was incredible.

That makes so much

more sense now.

Who is this guy?

He's nobody. He's just some guy.

-Are you blushing?

-You're totally blushing.

Can we calm down,

get ready for the book signing?

-No.

-This is exciting.

I'm not calming down.

He's nobody. And even if

he was somebody, it doesn't matter...

...because I don't want

to be with anybody. Okay?

So let's just get back to work.

-Finding a relationship is work.

-l don't want a relationship.

Well, it is.

Yo, taxi.

So dogs have

an ingrained pack mentality.

If we don't assert leadership

over our dogs...

...our dogs are going to show...

...unstable behavior

or dominant behavior.

In other words, in the dog world...

...who you are is stable or

unstable energy, leader or a follower.

So when a dog introduces himself

to another dog, what do they do?

Exactly.

When a human wants to meet a dog:

"Oh, my God, he's so--"

So l mean, it's like, poor dog,

you know?

And so they're interacting based

on energy and also the nose....

Okay. Now this is getting weird.

I know. We keep running into

each other. lt's crazy.

So your being here

is just another coincidence?

-Oh, no. I love this guy.

-Don't you have someplace...

-...to be tonight?

-Not till later.

Do you even have a dog?

No. But I might get one

now that I can "be the pack leader."

The dogs would just shake it.

"Do you want to play again?"

-l'm really busy here.

-You have a boyfriend.

-Just tell me. I can take it.

-No.

You just know

you're not interested in me?

You're making a big mistake.

I'm very interesting.

I'm just not interested in men

right now, okay?

-Oh, you're gay?

-l'm not gay.

-Quiet.

-Hey, you two.

Would you please take it outside?

-Sorry.

-Okay, sorry about that.

-That was awkward.

-Yeah.

This is not a good time for me, okay?

I'm going through some changes.

Menopause?

Menopause? Seriously?

How old do you think l am?

Let's start over.

The more I think about it,

we'd never make it as a couple.

You're too skeptical.

We should be friends.

-l have enough friends.

-You can never have too many.

-What you doing tonight?

-Getting takeout, going to bed.

Clearly, you don't have

that many friends.

Okay, here's my proposition.

Don't freak out.

It requires very little commitment.

I'm getting takeout too. Let's walk

together to the same place...

...order and pay for our own respective

meals, and then we'll say goodbye.

Where do you want to go?

-Here you go.

-Thank you.

No fair. You chose this place

because it takes like two seconds.

No, I chose it because it's the best.

I want to see you take a bite of that.

I don't believe you're gonna eat it.

Fine.

There. Happy now?

You have no idea how good this is.

Lived in New York your whole life,

never gone to Gray's Papaya.

-What's wrong with you?

-l haven't lived here my whole life.

We moved out of the city

when my parents bought the farm.

No, not died. They actually bought

a farm and we moved upstate.

They retired to Phoenix five years

ago, and l run the place now.

What about your family?

Actually, my parents died

when l was young.

It's just me

and my grandmother now.

-l'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

-lt's okay. lt was a long time ago.

Look, l really have to go.

All right. But l can't let you

walk home alone...

...because this is

a very dangerous neighborhood.

What school did you go to?

Well, l kind of dropped out.

I met this Swedish girl

during my semester abroad and....

Let me guess.

You fell in love and got married.

-And started an inn in Vermont.

-Of course.

It lasted like three seconds.

I didn't know how to run an inn.

And she didn't know how not to sleep

with everyone who worked there...

...so we got divorced.

Yeah, she took everything.

I had to move back in with

my parents, work myself out of debt...

...and figure out how not to blame

every woman on the planet...

...for Ana's whorish ways.

-How's that going?

-Not so good.

Okay, l want to know everything.

First kiss?

Some jerk with a dirt bike

and chapped lips.

You?

Seventh grade. She wore braces

and headgear. It was terrifying.

Ouch.

Hey. Look.

-Here's one for you.

-That's weird.

Okay, best kiss?

That's a tough one.

Because if we weren't just friends,

I'd kiss you right now.

Then l'd be your best kiss.

How do you know?

I know.

Is someone looking for you?

Yeah. l have to go.

-Okay.

-Okay.

-Bye.

-Bye. I'll call you.

-You think it was the muffin girl?

-l guess. I don't know.

Why do l even care?

You like him!

Oh, God. What if l'm pregnant?

-Then it'll work out perfectly.

-What do you mean?

Because if you really like him,

as soon as that happens...

...you'll break up with him,

because you're pregnant.

You won't have to put

yourself out there, possibly get hurt.

Hey, that's your dream.

Be quiet.

Besides, l'm not pregnant.

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