The Back-up Plan Page #3

And l'm okay on my own.

Are you gonna see him again?

Yeah, l think so.

No.

Not gonna happen, Nutsy.

Hello.

Oh, Stan.

Go away.

Stop it! You're making me nervous.

You're early. l'll be a minute, okay?

Three to five minutes, actually.

-You want a beer?

-Yeah, sure. You want one?

-l'll let you know.

-Okay.

Oh, my God. Is he okay?

He's fine. Happens all the time.

Go.

-l'm sorry. Can you give me a minute?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, good.

Damn it, Nuts.

Give me that. Give it to me.

Let go.

Let go right now!

-Zoe, everything okay?

-Yeah.

You know, just showing him

who's the pack leader.

You idiot!

You better not swallow that thing.

Give it to me. Nutsy.

Open. Open.

-You look really pretty tonight.

-Thank you.

I mean, you always look really pretty,

but tonight you look especially pretty.

And that dress is--

It's really something.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

Did you buy a new dress

for our date tonight?

-Don't flatter yourself.

-l'll take that as a yes.

-l guess you'll never know.

-l guess not.

-Except you left the price tag on.

-What?

Allow me.

I got it.

I've had this dress for a long time.

It's just l haven't worn it yet...

...so that's why the tag was still on.

You're not that special.

Really?

Look at this place.

-l don't know what to say.

-Finally.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-lt means, "Good, don't say anything."

You don't have to say anything.

Just come over here, sit down.

-What, you think I talk too much?

-l did not say that.

-What did you say?

-Just you're very quick.

You always have a response

for things, which I like.

But tonight, just, you know,

be surprised.

Surprise.

You're good.

You worked for an lnternet

company? I don't see that at all.

I was very important.

You would've been impressed.

Really?

How did you get the pet store?

Actually, it was through my dog,

Nuts.

I bought him at this fancy pet store

near my house.

Cutest puppy you have ever seen.

Six months later, he almost dies.

Turns out he was from

one of those puppy mills...

...where dogs are so inbred,

he was kind of falling apart.

What did you do?

Did you sue them?

I thought about it. Then I thought:

"What good would that do?

They'll still sell inbred dogs."

So l quit my job...

...and l took the stock-option money

over to the pet store...

...and l bought it.

I know how to milk a goat.

Does that do anything for you?

No, not really.

Can l ask you a serious question,

Zoe?

What?

Did you buy that dress

to wear for me tonight?

I will never tell.

Really? Because...

...l have ways of making you talk.

-Let me get that. Let me get that.

-My dress! I got it.

There's a hose over there

behind the fence.

You see it? Get the hose.

-Okay, this is war.

-What? No!

Okay, hand it over. Hand it over!

-lt was mean.

-You weren't even pointing at the fire.

-You just soaked me.

-You were pointing at my face.

But l wasn't trying to soak you.

I swear!

Oh, whatever!

I looked into your eyes...

...and l saw you had this crazy look,

like a crazy person.

-That's not true.

-lt is true. You know what else?

I think I owe you another dress. And I

definitely owe you another date.

I'd like that.

Why don't you come to the farm

with me next weekend?

I'll call you.

I'll wait by the phone.

What?

Holy sh*t!

-l know.

-Are you sure?

If l'm not, then my dog is.

You're not making any sense.

You're definitely pregnant.

-Congratulations! How are we feeling?

-We're freaking out!

-What she said.

-Why?

We performed an inter-uterine

insemination...

...using sperm that you purchased.

This isn't exactly

what we call an accident.

It's just happening so fast.

Keep breathing. Pump those arms.

What did you all eat last night?

-Hey, Arthur.

-Well, hello, my dear.

Oh, no, no, no,

don't get up. lt's okay.

I can't get up.

-Came to see my lovely fiance?

-Yes.

Oh, she's looking fine today,

let me tell you. Just fine.

-Hi, sweetheart.

-Hey.

-Baby.

-Hey. l need to talk to you.

-Sure.

-Alone.

Shirley.

Don't worry about them.

They can't hear anything anyway.

-l'm pregnant.

-What?

-l'm pregnant.

-l can't hear you, darling.

Oh, Jesus, Judy! She's pregnant.

Turn up your hearing aid.

I'm confused.

You said this is what you wanted.

But this guy, he's special. And now

the whole thing's gonna fall apart.

What makes him so special?

I don't know. He's very real.

And funny.

And different.

I like him, Nana.

What should l do?

Zoe.

You always get ahead of yourself.

You barely know him.

Spend some time with him.

See what he's really like.

He could be a total douche bag

and then the whole thing is moot.

Yeah. Yeah.

-Maybe he is a douche bag.

-Oh, come on.

You think he'd ask you away for

the weekend if he had a girlfriend?

There's no way he's dating

that muffin b*tch, Zoe. Trust me.

Who can say?

Maybe he's looking to get laid.

Oh, well,

don't have sex with him, okay?

That will really complicate things.

-l know.

-lt'll be hard...

...with three times the amount of

blood coursing through your body.

-Excuse me?

-Oh, yeah.

That's why pregnant women

are so horny all the time.

Is that what it is?

I thought it was me.

Oh, no. When l was pregnant,

my whole body was so sensitive...

...l could have an orgasm

sitting on a bus.

-l think l'm gonna be sick.

-Me too.

Why? It's a happy story.

-All right, I'm just gonna go up there...

-Disgusting.

...and tell him that I'm pregnant.

Just lay all my cards on the table.

Okay, good.

Just don't lay on the table.

Okay?

Because you cannot have sex.

Don't look at me like that.

I know. This is a big mess we're in.

I'm gonna fix it.

Sh*t. Here it is.

Watch out for that tree.

Yeah, thanks.

-Hi.

-Hi.

The tree should not be there.

All I'm gonna say.

Whatever, Mrs. Magoo.

-Come on. I'm glad you're here.

-Okay.

Me too.

Stan.

There's something l need to tell you.

I'm pregnant.

Yes, pregnant.

Okay, maybe like:

I'm gonna have a baby.

I'm with child.

Sh*t.

Stan.

Stan. Stan.

I've been inseminated.

Yes, inseminated.

I'm gonna have a baby!

Stan?

Spoon, spoon.

Would you like a plate?

A napkin? Trough?

-These are for you.

-That's so sweet. Thank you.

You're welcome.

You're good.

Okay.

It's just that stew was so delicious.

I knew you'd like it.

So, what's the next step

for a cheese farmer?

Very funny.

I want to start

a sustainable gourmet shop, okay?

Cheese, wine, bread,

prepared foods, but everything local.

Nothing from farther than 30 miles.

All based on the farmers' markets.

-That's a good idea.

-Thank you very much.

I'm good at ideas.

I'm just not good with follow-through.

I wasn't good at marriage.

I wasn't good at running

a bed-and-breakfast.

Thank God we didn't have kids.

-You don't want kids?

-l don't think so.

Well, l don't know.

For years, l never thought about

the future. l just lived in the moment.

But maybe l'm different now.

I really want to take the next step.

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