The Badger Game

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1

F***.

He broke up with me.

Out of the blue.

No reason, just nice knowing

you, have a nice f***ing life.

I spent a week trying to

get a hold of him

and eventually I found out

where the prick lived.

You were dating him for six months

and you didn't know where he lived?

And now I know why... he's married

with two kids in Calabasas.

Not only that,

he's been f***ing other women,

besides me, besides his wife.

- Does she know?

- She doesn't have a clue.

- How do you know?

- Because I know.

She's raises the kids.

He brings home the bacon.

Very "Patty Duke" type.

That really sucks,

Alex, I'm sorry,

but what does this

have anything to do with me?

Which leads me to my plan.

So you gonna tell her?

- Not exactly.

- What, are you gonna kill him?

I'm gonna blackmail him.

Like, for money?

Yeah, money.

He's loaded.

He works at some

big time ad agency

owned by "Patty Duke's" father.

She finds out, he finds out,

bye-bye posh lifestyle,

hello alimony.

You know, that is

big time illegal.

I'm not just

blackmailing anyone.

I let him f*** me in the ass.

Seriously? Come on.

And besides,

he makes steady income.

He'll make what we take

in a year.

We? Who is "we"?

You know...

I knew that there must be

some f***ed-up reason

why you called me over here.

Shelly, you are

the only person I trust.

That's real sweet, Alex...

but I don't trust you.

- Shelly...

- And actually, I'm not that surprised

that you didn't have

anybody else to call.

I just... I find it

sort of ironic

that you would call me considering

you f***ed my boyfriend.

You're not still mad

about that are you?

It's not like you two were

getting married or anything.

You know, honestly,

Alex, I came over here

because I thought you

might be ready to apologize.

Okay...

I don't even remember his name.

It's Kevin. Kevin.

Fine.

I'm sorry I f***ed Kevin.

I did you a favor by the way.

Not a whole lot

going on down there.

You know, that is the shitty

apology I've ever heard.

This is more

than an apology, Shelly.

I know that you and your

daughter live in Shanty Town.

What?

You don't think I know what

my best friend's been up to?

Ex-best friend, okay?

And it's not called

"Shanty Town" anymore.

Shelly, it's called Shanty Town.

That's what we called it

when we were kids.

That's what it's called now.

Just 'cause you live there

doesn't change the fact

that it's called Shanty Town.

We're doing just fine.

We might not have

a hacienda like you here,

but, you know, we're getting by.

Don't you want more

than to just get by?

It's not like I'm asking you

to rob a bank.

No, but you might as well be.

I'm pretty sure the prison

term's the exact same

- for blackmailing.

- And kidnapping.

Don't forget

the kidnapping part.

Kidnapping?

Just to insure that

he doesn't go to the cops

or try something clever.

Liam's pretty resourceful.

Kip, can you put on a shirt?

You remember my brother, right?

This is Shelly.

- Val High?

- Yeah.

Did we f***?

Um, no,

but thank you for asking.

Mm, that's a shame.

She the bait?

- Bait?!

- Don't call her that.

- What the f*** do you want me to call her?

- Call her Shelly.

Okay, you can

call me "offended,"

and you can

call me "leaving."

And after I walk out that door,

Alex, don't ever call me again.

Two million dollars!

That's what he's got.

I know all of his hot spots.

The idea is for you to

simply show up at one of them

and flirt with him, that's all.

Well, how... how do we

even know that I'm his type?

Because you'll be wearing that.

He's got this thing

for polka dots.

Don't ask me why.

Maybe he's got a Minnie

Mouse fetish or something.

You'll definitely catch his eye.

And then what?

And then you stir up

some conversation...

- About what?

- Uh, whatever.

- TV, sports, movies...

- Sex.

And then you invite

him out to your car,

where Kip will be

waiting with the...

Chinese food's here.

Finally.

Sorry, it took

for-f***ing-ever.

What's the point of

calling in an order

if it takes 20 minutes

to get your f***ing food?

- Is this the bait?

- Uh-huh.

Shelly, this is Jane.

Jane, this is Shelly.

- Hey.

- Nice to meet you.

Oh, sorry,

my hands a bit sticky.

I got f***ing duck sauce

and soy sauce sh*t all over it.

Uh, yeah, Jane is another girl

Liam's sleeping with.

I went to her work

to b*tch her out, um...

- we kind of became friends.

- Hoes before bros.

Are you hungry?

Uh, no, I'm cool.

Thank you.

You're a good friend

for doing this.

Alex says you two

go way back in high school.

- She's not in yet.

- Well, it's not like that.

- It's just like a lot...

- It's okay, it's okay.

I wasn't into at first.

But this guy is a manipulative,

narcissistic, sociopath,

and I've met all kinds.

Well, if he's so terrible, then why

were you dating him in the first place?

Can't you tell

by looking at her?

She makes poor life choices.

All right, if I make

poor life choices,

I would've slept with you.

There's two types of guys

in this world, Shelly.

There's the type

that seem like a**holes

and then turn out

to be all right.

And then there's the type

that seem all right

and then turn out to be

total f***ing a**holes.

Liam being the latter of course.

Uh... how much

would I stand to make?

Four-way split.

Half a mil each.

Not a bad day's work.

All right, I'm in.

Shelly, thank you so much.

Thank you.

All right, this does not

mean that we're friends.

And also, I still think

that you're a big b*tch.

That's fine.

You won't regret it, though.

I hope not.

Man, they f***ing forgot

my lo mein.

All right, Kip, let's get this

over with, since we're all here.

Oh, yeah.

Wait, what are you guys doing?

We need to know

how long Liam will be out

since we need to transport him

from A to point B.

We need to figure out the exact

amount of chloroform to give him.

- Um, how much was it last time?

- 12 minutes.

Well, okay,

that's just not enough.

So...

the goal will be 20.

We don't want him waking

up during the trip.

Jesus Christ!

You did that like three times.

What, is the goal

to f***ing kill me?

Okay, we also don't want to give

him a fatal dosage either.

That's good.

- You ready?

- Yeah.

- Just don't let me hit my head again.

- Okay.

See you soon.

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to melt your lover's heart.

So what are you

waiting for, lover?

Why don't you come?

How was that?

Nailed it.

Certainly made me want to come.

Charming, Liam, very charming.

Come on in. I need to get

your "Jen Hancock".

Just like reading Shakespeare.

- Who writes this copy anyways? You?

- I help.

I took a creative writing

class in college, so...

What, you don't like it?

It's very you.

Hey, uh, Dave.

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