The Badger Game Page #5

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you up in bed for two days?

Taking out all his

twisted perversions on you?

Doing whatever he feels

like with your body?

No.

Have you ever had a cigarette

stamped out on you?

My God, Jane, I'm so sorry.

I don't need

your f***ing sympathy.

- What about Alex?

- What about her?

Did he do that stuff to her?

How the f*** should I know?

Why don't you ask her?

There you go.

That's it.

There you go.

Go back inside.

That's right.

Before you get cold.

Yeah.

Kip.

What?

I think there's somebody

watching us.

Is that why you've been

waiting by that window

for 10 minutes like a creeper?

I don't see anybody.

Well, when I went to the bar

there was a car

parked down the street.

And when I came back,

it was still there.

So?

So there's no other

houses around here.

So maybe somebody

had car trouble.

It wasn't there earlier.

Don't you find that

kind of strange?

No!

Siamese twins strange.

People who don't like

mustard are f***ing strange.

That's a coincidence.

Well, it wouldn't hurt

checking out.

How far is it?

Come on, kiddo.

Where is this thing?

I don't know.

I was driving.

It seemed closer.

Wait. There it is.

Where?

Holy sh*t.

- What?

- You said that there was a car,

but you didn't say anything about

it being a f***ing Chevelle.

Oh-ho-ho. Come on. Tell me I can

hotwire this thing, please?

Please, please, please?

Come on.

Yeah, totally. Let's add grand theft

auto to the list. That's fine.

- Oh-ho-ho.

- Is that anyone in it?

Not at the moment.

Although, it does look like

somebody lives in here.

Look at that f***ing pigsty.

They could do worse,

I mean, it is a Chevelle.

Wait, wait. Here, look.

What is it?

It looks like camera equipment.

Still find this coincidental?

I'd love to say "I told you so,"

but this would not

be the right time.

No, it wouldn't.

- You like that? You like that?

- Kip, ow. Stop.

Hey, wait, wait. Here, look.

- What?

- F***.

Ow. Window's open.

Here.

Give me your hand.

Do it.

Come on.

Go, go, go.

- Come on, come on, come on.

- Ow!

You got it, you got it.

- Ow! Hold on!

- It's fine, it's fine.

You got it,

you got it, you got it.

Jackpot.

- Whoo.

- Okay, ow.

It smells like sh*t in here.

Here.

- Got it?

- Yeah.

Okay, so, who carries

this many cameras?

There's like...

Someone on a stakeout.

Oh, my God, Kip...

these are pictures of us.

Hey, mister.

You gotta help me.

You gotta get me outta here.

Listen...

help me out of here, man,

you don't understand.

I've been kidnapped

by these crazy people.

I'm wounded really bad.

I'm wounded.

I gotta get to a hospital.

Get me out.

Get me out of here.

Listen, you gotta help me, man!

Help me!

Penis patrol on parade.

Penis patrol on parade.

Penis patrol on parade. Penis...

Shh.

Help is on the way.

Help me now!

Hey! Get down!

"Clive Lewis, Private Dick."

That's disgusting.

Get it?

It's like, you know...

A woman makes a joke

about a man's penis

being so small

that she needs

a magnifying glass to find it.

Well, this penis

has a magnifying glass

and he's looking for clues.

Do you actually get work with this?

Why don't you ask

Liam's wife about that?

She hired me

to follow him around.

So she knows.

She was suspicious

of his fidelity.

And then I noticed you were

doing your own investigating,

so I became suspicious of you.

At first I thought,

well, maybe she hired you, too,

but, well, that didn't add up.

Why would she hire

both of us, right?

Hey, hey, girly, there's a lot

of expensive stuff in there.

What were you

doing in the garage?

Well, I was going to untie him,

set him free, be a hero.

The guy's loaded.

I thought that he'd give me

a reward or something.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, there, sailor.

I barely know you.

- Don't you don't carry a gun?

- No, I'm a pacifist.

That's someone who's

strongly opposed to violence.

I know what a pacifist is.

- I bet you wish you carried a gun now.

- Not really.

You just patted me down.

You would've found it

and now you would have the gun.

I will admit,

it is pretty brave of you

to go charging into battle

without one.

I told you, I'm a pacifist.

All right, so which is it? You

can't be a hero and a pacifist.

Gandhi.

If you went in there

to untie him,

why isn't he untied?

Get in here!

Well?

There's a camera

between the paint cans.

- Is that it?

- Yeah.

There's no more?

You're sure?

Yeah, there's another camera

up above the blue bucket.

And a recorder next to

the visor over there.

You're f***ing

scary in those masks, you know?

All right, you got me.

Fair and square.

What's a guy to do, right?

You guys got a good thing

going here.

Let me get this straight, Clive.

After we blackmailed

this a**hole, then what?

You were just planning

to blackmail us?

- Is that it?

- Well, a guy's gotta eat, right?

- You'd have done the same thing.

- Oh, no, I'll give it to you.

- It's very clever.

- I thought so.

Yeah, if it would have worked.

Obviously it didn't work out.

Look, I didn't put any more

surveillance in, okay?

You know, do whatever you want.

It's worth money.

Sell it, use it, I don't care.

I can always get more.

I'll just get out of your hair.

Not so fast, Clive.

You're already in our hair.

You ever get gum

in your hair, Clive?

Actually, I have gotten

bubble gum stuck in my hair.

Well, then you know.

It gets sticky.

Well, I used peanut butter

to get mine out.

Actually, I've heard that works.

So, um, I'm the gum, right?

Get the tape.

Get the tape!

The tape, the tape!

Get the tape!

Sorry, Clive, we're

all out of peanut butter.

You're not taping me up,

goddamn it.

- Whoa! Jesus Christ, Clive!

- Come here!

- I thought you were a f***ing pacifist.

- Well, I lied.

Now, here's what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna take the b*tch

and then you're gonna call me

after you got the money

from this guy, all right?

- The number's on my card.

- Or what, huh?

Or you're never gonna see her again.

I can promise you that.

Huh?

And what if I said, "I don't

care if I see her again," huh?

I'd say you're liar.

And then I say "I got pictures of

you breaking into this guy's house"

that people might like to see

after this is all said and done."

- Bullshit.

- You hear that? He doesn't believe me.

Well, why don't you

give me your address,

a**hole, and I'll send you

copies in the mail?

Ah!

What the f*** did you just do?!

What the f***?

I didn't mean to.

I... I swear.

I was trying to knock

the saw away.

What was I supposed to do?

He had a saw to her

goddamn throat.

Jesus, somebody

f***ing say something.

Come on!

It was an accident.

You were all there.

I wasn't trying to kill him.

This woman's husband

was in a coma

for several months,

yet she stayed by

his bedside every single day.

So when he started to come to,

he motioned to her

and he said, "Honey..."

She sat by him.

"You know,

through all these bad times,"

you've been here with me.

When I got fired,

you were there supporting me.

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