The Bank Dick Page #3

standing in front of the hole.

Where's his office?

Is he in?

Mr. Skinner's office

is right over there.

- Good morning, Mr. Sous.

- Good morning, good morning.

- Mr. Skinner's expecting you.

- Is he? Oh, thanks. I'll go right in.

- We want to show our appreciation of your gallantry and daring.

- Thank you.

I wish to personally give you

a hearty handclasp.

Oh, thanks.

Hearty handclasp. Yes.

And to present you,

with the company's compliments,

one of our 1940 calendars...

made especially for this bank,

entitled "Spring in Lompoc. "

Oh!

Doesn't look unlike

the Mona Lisa.

Won't you be seated? I've been

in consultation with our director.

We've decided that what has been needed

in this bank is a special officer.

Or to revert to the argot

of the underworld, a bank dick.

In lieu of your heroism,

your dauntless courage,

- I have the honor to offer you this position.

- Oh, thank you.

The remuneration at first

will be very small.

We're a growing concern.

We're young.

But there are a great

many chances for advancement.

Who knows? Within a short time,

you may become my vice president.

My first and only vice!

Very good.

- Uh, what time in the morning?

- The bank opens at 10:00.

Oh. Well, that's all right.

If I'm not here on time, just go ahead

without me. I'll catch up with ya.

And, oh, yes, we will deduct

a certain amount from your salary...

which will go to pay off the interest

of the mortgage on your home.

Otherwise, it will

necessitate our foreclosing.

And in view of what has transpired,

that would cause us heartfelt contrition.

You took the very words

right outta my mouth.

I'll see you here Monday.

And I'll bring

my detective disguises with me.

Listen, Og, there's more to this

detective business than meets the eye.

It requires cunning

and resourcefulness.

And I have both.

I have a thousand disguises at home.

I'll come in with one

of those disguises on.

If you recognize me, you go...

- Oh, like this?

- Not up high. It's too blatant.

Down there. Just give me

a little one like that.

If you don't recognize me, go...

Well, if you don't recognize me,

you won't know what to do.

And you won't recognize me!

I'll be in later.

You gotta keep in practice

for this game.

You never know

when you're gonna...

have to use your gun.

I really have a reason

for a snort this morning.

After that bout I put up with

those two crooks, I'm still arm weary.

President of the bank called me in.

He says, "Sous?"

I said, "Yes?"

He says, "I want you

down here for our bank dick.

We've wanted a bank dick

for a long while. "

He says,

"In your Christmas box,

will in all probability

be the vice presidency of this bank. "

What'll it be?

Depth bomb.

Keep your hat off there.

Very tasty. I think

I'll have another one.

Um, some fresh water.

And a towel.

Thank you.

Never like to bathe

in the same water twice.

Neat little trick, isn't it?

Pardon me. I couldn't help

overhearing your conversation.

- Pardon me, pardon me.

- It's quite all right.

Waterbury's my name.

J. Frothingham Waterbury.

- Very glad to know you. My name's Sous.

- How do you do?

- Accent grave over the "E."

- Oh, so?

I'm in the bond

and stock business.

I have 5,000 shares of the Beefsteak Mines

that I want to turn over to your bank.

I like this little town, and I want to get

some contacts. I think you're the very man.

- These shares are selling

for ten cents a share and...

- Ten cents, eh?

- Oh, that's terrible.

These shares are selling

for ten cents a share.

- A telephone company once sold for five cents a share.

- Five cents?

These shares are twice as expensive,

therefore they'll be twice as valuable!

- Sure, they will.

- Naturally you're no dunce.

The telephone is now listed

at $1.73, and you can't buy it.

$3,460 for every nickel

you put into it.

The point I'm trying to make

is this...

- Huh?

- The point I'm trying to make is:

These shares sell for ten cents.

It's simple arithmetic.

- If five will get you ten, ten will get you 20!

- Sure.

Sixteen cylinder cars. A big home in

the city. Balconies upstairs and down.

Home in the country.

Big trees. Private golf course.

Stream running through

the rear of the estate.

Warm Sunday afternoon

fishing under the cool trees.

Sipping ice-cold beer.

I can almost see the foam.

- Ham and cheese on rye.

- With mustard.

- Yeah.

- We have plenty of mustard at the house.

And then this guy comes up the shady

drive in an armored car from a bank.

And he dumps

a whole basket of coupons...

worth hundreds of thousands of dollars

right in your lap.

And he says, "Sign here, please,

on the dotted line. "

I'll have a fountain pen

by that time.

And then he's off

to the soft chirping...

of our feathered friends

in the arboreal dell.

- That's what these bonds mean.

- They do, eh?

I'd rather part with my dear old grandmother's

paisley shawl or her wedding ring...

than to part with these bonds.

It must be tough to lose

a paisley shawl.

Thank you.

That's fine.

- Gosh! Oh, pardon my language.

- It's all right.

- I swear sometimes myself.

- I feel like a dog.

But it's now or never.

It must be done, so take it or leave it.

- I'll take it.

- Fine, fine, fine!

- Meet me down at the bank in about an hour.

- Certainly! My card.

Thanks.

I got you set for life.

I don't hang around

that Black P*ssy Cafe for nothing.

I met a poor fella

who's in trouble.

Something the matter

with his grandmother's paisley shawl.

He has 5,000 shares

in the Beefsteak Mine,

and you can buy them

for a handful of hay.

Hay? And they're worth...

Ten cents a share.

Telephone sold

for five cents a share.

How would you like something better

for ten cents a share?

If five gets you ten,

ten'll get you 20.

Beautiful home in the country.

Upstairs and down.

Beer flowing through the estate

over your grandmother's paisley shawl.

- Beer?

- Beer!

Fishing in the stream...

that runs under the arboreal dell.

A man comes up from the bar.

Dumps $3,500 in your lap...

for every nickel invested.

Says to you, "Sign here

on the dotted line. "

And then disappears

in the waving fields of alfalfa.

Gosh. Do you think

he was tellin' the truth?

You don't think a man

would resort to taradiddle, do you?

Why, he sobbed

like a child...

at the very thought

of disposing of these shares.

How does a bank

make its money?

- By investing.

- That's the point.

You don't wanna work all your life.

Take a chance!

Take it while you're young.

My uncle,

a balloon ascensionist,

Effingham Hoffnagle,

took a chance.

He was three miles and a half

up in the air.

He jumped out of the basket

of the balloon,

and took a chance

of lighting on a load of hay.

Golly!

Did he make it?

- Uh... no, he didn't.

- Oh.

Had he been a younger man,

he probably would've made it.

That's the point!

Don't wait too long in life.

I've never done anything

like this.

And another thing,

I haven't got the money.

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