The Bank Dick Page #4

'Course my bonus comes due

in four days. That's $500.

I could buy 'em then,

and with all that money,

I really might be worthy

of your daughter's hand.

Women really appreciate

the fine things in life.

- You don't wanna die and leave your wife and children paupers, do you?

- No.

Borrow the $500 from the bank.

- You intend to pay it back when your bonus comes due, don't ya?

- Oh, sure.

Surely! Don't be a luddy-duddy.

Don't be a mooncalf.

- Don't be a jabbernowl. You're not those, are you?

- No.

I guess there's no way you could

confuse it with stealing, is there?

Ha. Nothing

could be more absurd.

All right,

send him in.

He won't be here

till 11:
00.

- Got him! Back, back!

- Oh, what do you mean?

The idea!

- Is that gun loaded?

- Certainly not. But I think you are.

Mommy, doesn't that man

have a funny nose?

You mustn't make fun

of the gentleman, Clifford.

You'd like to have a nose like

that full of nickels, wouldn't you?

I'll throw him in the wastepaper basket

the next time he comes in here.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

I'm the officer.

Can I help you?

I'd like to see Mr. Skinner,

the president of the bank.

Oh, yes, he'll be very glad

to see you, I'm sure.

Very glad.

J. Pinkerton Snoopington,

bank examiner, is that right?

- Yes.

- He'll be...

He'll be very glad

to see you, but...

he's gone out to

the golf course on business.

Probably won't be back

till midnight.

If he does return,

where can he call you?

I'm stopping at the New Old Lompoc House

down the avenue.

Oh, New Old Lompoc House!

Frank Cridellhoffer, the management.

I know him well.

If you need anything during the night,

- Just mention my name.

- Yes, yes, I will.

That's fine. Yes.

Got some bad news for ya. Can you

take it now, or shall I hold off?

That was the bank examiner,

wasn't it?

- You guessed it the first time.

- Oh, I knew this would happen.

I was a perfect idiot

to ever listen to you.

You listen to me.

There's nothing in this world

that is perfect.

It'll be four days before I get

my bonus, and can replace that money.

Oh, was I a dope!

I've sacrificed everything:

my job, my marriage

to your daughter.

Keep my daughter's name

outta this.

Don't you ever tell me again

I'm not a jabbernowl and a mooncalf!

Please get out of the office, Mr. Sous.

This is terrible.

I reiterate.

Leave everything to me.

Don't worry about a thing.

Hello! Hello.

Give me the

New Old Lompoc House.

Yeah, the New Old.

Is Charlie

on the desk?

- What's a six-letter word

meaning embezzlement? - Prison.

I'll bet that's Og.

He's got her bettin' now.

She never gambled 'fore she met him.

- Hello, Og.

- Hello, dear.

Still working on

your crossword puzzle book?

Uh-huh.

I'll tell you one on Grandma.

I asked them to give me

a six-letter word meaning embezzlement,

and she said, "Prison. "

Isn't that a hot one?

Huh?

- She's right.

- What's the matter with you?

I've got something to confess.

Our engagement is off.

Og, what are you saying?

Oh, well, it's only off

for a while, dear.

That is, if you're willing

to wait until I get out of prison.

Og, don't scare me!

Oh, stop fooling.

- What do you mean?

- Oh, I don't know. I can't think straight.

Your father brought a man

into the bank who sold me...

his grandmother's paisley shawl

with a beer river running through it.

I don't know

what it was!

Are you sick? Let me feel your head.

You've got a fever.

I don't know what I've got,

but your father got me...

to take $500 from the bank funds

and invest it and...

- Og!

- Shh. Not so loud.

I don't want your mother

or grandmother to hear.

And he got me to invest it in telephone,

telegraphs, an electric light company...

No, it wasn't a telephone or telegraph.

It was a Beefsteak Mine.

A Beefsteak Mine...

Og, have you been drinking?

I'm going to tell my mother that my father

got you to drink and steal money from the bank.

- No, listen...

- I'm going to tell my mother right away...

that my father got you to steal money from

the bank and invest it in a Beefsteak Mine.

Oh, now, Myrtle!

It was very nice of you

to call me, Mr. Sous.

Not at all. I knew you were a stranger.

I wanted to make your stay happy.

I work for the Chamber of Commerce

when I'm not on my regular...

- Would you like to weigh yourself?

- No.

I know the manager here. He'll let

you weigh yourself for nothing.

This Lompoc is noted

for its beautiful girls.

- I imagine you've noticed them.

- Yes, I have.

I'm a married man with a grown daughter,

18 years of age.

Oh, I'd like to meet her.

I'm very fond of children.

Girl children

around 18, 20.

I have a young daughter of

marriageable age. Also a small daughter.

Nice wife, and a mother-in-law

that loves me like her own son.

Would you like to give the town

a double-o?

A little constitutional

couldn't possibly hurt.

No. Ah! The Black P*ssy Cafe

and Snack Bar.

Hello. How would you like to go in

and have a little spot?

No, no,

I never drink during business hours.

Just a little spot, and we'll find out

how Gumlegs came out at Del Mar.

This... this place

isn't crowded, is it?

No. If it wasn't for me,

the place would starve to death.

- I'll dawdle for about ten minutes.

- We'll dawdle together.

Oh, after you.

Thank you.

Nice little place here.

Could we find a secluded spot

where we won't be observed?

Oh, surely. Sit right down there.

Nobody'll see ya.

Just a couple of

local beer guzzlers.

Could we pull the shade?

You can pull anything you want. It's

a regular joint. I know Joe very well.

- What's your pleasure?

- Rye highball.

Rye highball.

- Make it light.

- Light rye.

Mr. Sous, what'll it be?

I want two highballs.

One very light.

You can double up on mine.

Has Michael Finn

been in here today?

No, but he will be.

That's good.

- How'd Gumlegs come out in the fifth?

- He ran sixth.

The dog!

- You ever bet on the races?

- No, I never wager.

You never wager. That's not a bad idea.

It's a good system.

I bet on that Gumlegs once.

He won, but the jockey

got off at the three-quarters,

and had to carry him

across the tape on his back.

He's a beetle. The jockey

was a very insulting fellow.

He referred to my proboscis...

as an adsatitious excrescious.

I had to tweak his nose.

I was compelled...

That's fine, thank you.

Well... no one's lookin'.

- Down the hatch.

- Down the h...

I feel deathly ill.

Well...

Fill 'em up again, Joe.

No, no, please.

I've never had such a feeling

in all my life.

Probably it's something

you've eaten.

- I haven't eaten anything.

- There you are! You haven't eaten anything!

Come on. I'll get you

some nice chili con carne.

Or it may be the altitude.

Come on.

Don't worry about a thing.

You're all right.

It may be the altitude.

This town has an altitude of 500 feet.

Population is 4,500.

Schools, churches, public library.

Three blocks of paved streets.

Two trains a day, not counting

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