The Bank Dick Page #5

the milk train at 4:00 in the morning.

- We have three drugstores. One actually sells medicine.

- Stop.

Stop, I'm dying.

Could you direct me to a culvert?

Why don't you wait till you get

to the hotel? It's only six blocks.

We pass the Spanish Americo

Chili Parlor on the way up.

Maybe you've eaten an oyster

in a month that had an "R" in it.

Don't let these people know.

It's a very respectable place.

That's all right.

Come on.

Equilibrium's the thing.

If your friend is drunk,

don't bring him into this hotel.

He's already registered.

J. Pinkerton Snoopington.

Little case of

ptomaine poisoning.

- Something he ate.

- Get him out of sight as quickly as possible.

- He's in room five.

- Room five. Come on, old boy.

Come on.

This won't last forever.

Come on, look out!

Look out!

That's it.

Now, you're all right.

You'll be fine...

or I'll fix it

so you will be in due time.

I shall make it my business to see the

Lompoc Ladies Auxiliary will be informed.

- I thought this was a family hotel.

- Yes, indeed it is.

Uh, Mr. Snoopington

has a touch of ptomaine.

Hmm. Didn't smell

like ptomaine.

Well!

Drat, drat, drat, drat!

Come on.

Here you are.

- Okay, okay.

- What are you trying to do?

Fill this hotel full of delirium

tremens? We've a reputation to uphold!

It's the same man.

Just fell out the window.

- Friend of mine caught him on the first bounce.

- Oh, yeah?

- Face up.

- I'll see that he doesn't bounce again.

Come now, Mr. Snoopington.

Let's pull ourselves together now.

Here we go.

Up, up, up.

- Oh, yes, he's blotto. Isn't he...

- Oh!

When you hear the tone,

it will be 22 and

one half minutes till 7:00.

Listen,

I'm calling Dr. Stall,

and as a matter of fact,

when I hear the tone,

it'll be 22 and

one half minutes till 6:00.

- Give me Dr. Stall.

- I'll give you information please.

I don't want information please,

or Professor Qiz, or calling all cars.

- I want Dr. Stall.

- Louder, please.

"Louder, please. " If I spoke any louder,

I wouldn't need a telephone.

Gimme Dr. Stall.

Hello.

Just a moment, please.

The first thing you've got to do

is cut out all health foods.

That'll be $ 10.00. The nurse will return

your clothes with the receipt.

Hello.

This is Sous speaking, Doc.

How are ya?

I'm here at the

New Old Lompoc House.

There's a bank examiner

in town, an old friend of the family's.

He's evidently been on a bender.

He's full of nose paint.

Hello, Snoopy, old boy!

How do you feel?

I feel as though I've been poisoned.

You look the picture of health.

Ooh.

Shame. Agony.

My poor wife.

Little Doret.

I forgot to telephone them last night.

Why don't you let me

get you something to eat?

How'd you like some breaded veal cutlet

with tomato sauce?

- Ooh!

- A chocolate clair with whip cream?

Poor fellow hasn't had

anything to eat.

Oh.

I guess that's the doctor.

Hello, Doc.

How are ya?

- How's business?

- Oh, fair, fair.

I don't suppose we'll ever get another

whooping cough epidemic again.

No, I don't suppose we will.

This is the eminent, uh, Dr. Stall.

Diagnostician,

our town's leading physician.

- What's the name?

- J. Pinkerton Snoopington.

- Business?

- Bank examiner.

- Bank examiner?

- Yes.

Quite a lucrative occupation.

Do you mind, uh,

showing me your tongue?

You must eat more solids...

meats and sauces.

You need iron...

liver and bacon.

You lack vitamins A, B and C.

Skip the rest down to X and Y. If Z

is necessary, we'll give you that later.

What you need

most of all is rest.

Rest will do more for you

than all the doctors in the world.

- No exercise!

- No.

Now, you take two of these...

in a glass of castor oil for two nights

running, then you skip one night.

- But I thought you said I wasn't to take any exercise.

- You take me too literally.

What I should say is,

you take two for

two nights consecutively.

- And then you, uh...

- Refrain from taking them one night.

Yes.

That's absolutely true and

they're tasteless. Good with goulash.

With the proper rest,

I'll get you out of here in three days.

- Yes, sir, I'll get

you out in three days.

- Three more days and you'll be outta here.

- Fore!

Careful waving that cane.

You might hit something.

Yeah, I might hit

that globe up there.

That'll be just one day before

the boys at the bank get their bonus.

Yes, sir, I'll have you out

in three days.

- Unless, of course, complications set in.

- Oh, yes.

- That'll naturally take an extra day.

- Yes!

Now, leave everything to me.

I'll do the worrying.

Be happy and gay!

I'll have the management

send you up a radio.

Come on, Doc.

We better be going.

Toodle-oo!

Gonna have the missus bake you a nice

coconut custard pie with Savaloi pudding.

You haven't a thing

to worry about.

I've got Snoopington down at the

New Old Lompoc House. He's still in bed.

Oh, much obliged.

I gotta put on my work clothes now.

Okay, go ahead.

Uh, what do you mean?

Ha, yeah.

I thought I lost it.

How-dee-do, Mr. Skinner?

Mr. Sous, we appreciate

the capture you made...

and the manhandling

you gave those criminals.

Oh, nothing at all!

Nothing really.

They were a couple

of tough fellows.

One of them pulled

a knife on me.

Pulled a knife that

was really... It was...

It was about that...

It was about that long.

It was really an assegai.

Doesn't anyone ever pull

a short knife on you, Mr. Sous?

A little one...

about that long?

Oh, yes!

Yes, yes.

Major Moe one time, a little

colored midget, pulled one on me.

It was just about that long.

Wasn't really a knife. It was a razor.

We're grateful to you for

retrieving the bank's funds.

Oh, that was in

the line of duty.

And we feel we've shown our gratitude by

giving you a position as bank's officer.

But when you caution

Mrs. Muckle's little son...

about carrying a toy pistol

into the bank, that's going too far.

I cannot impress upon you

too firmly,

the Skinner Bank is

a dignified institution.

Yeah, that's the way

I always figured it.

I guess you figured it the same way,

working here the same as I do.

Furthermore, I've been informed

that you are a frequenter...

of a cafe known

as the Black P*ssy.

Oh, yes, say,

that reminds me.

- One of the customers gave it to me. Smoke it at your leisure.

- Thank you.

By the way,

accept this silver-plated napkin ring

with my compliments.

- I won it over at the bowling alley last night.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome.

- Why, Mr. Snoopington!

Aaah!

I beg your pardon.

It's an unexpected pleasure

to see you in Lompoc.

It's no pleasure for me.

I'm a very sick man...

but I'm also a man for duty.

If you don't mind, I'd like

to look over your books.

Aaah!

Of course we don't mind.

This bank is always ready

for an audit, yessiree.

Mr. Sous, our special officer,

will give you every assistance you wish.

Come in.

- Not feeling well, Mr. Snoopington?

- No, I'm not feeling very fit.

Well, I'll leave you

to Mr. Sous.

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