The Barefoot Executive Page #8

Has the man from the Justice

Department arrived yet?

- Everybody's here, sir.

- Good.

That's good.

Gentlemen, television

has had problems before.

We can work this one out

if we keep cool heads!

"Keep cool heads. "

Your Wilbanks says you've

got a monkey picking programs,

and you want us

to "keep cool heads. "

- I was delirious.

- Don't give us that!

For ten years you've been

the third-rated network.

Suddenly, you jump to number one.

Now, there has to be a reason.

You don't have

the personnel to do that.

Just a minute.

I've plenty of personnel.

- I have...

- Oh, shut up.

Mr. Crampton.

We've had a tacit understanding

to share technological advances.

It seems to me that you've

betrayed that understanding.

- We have not.

- Just a minute.

I must speak

for the Justice Department.

We can have no understandings

between networks,

- tacit or otherwise.

- Oh, come on, Harry.

How can the Department call

a little chimpanzee a tech...

- So there's a chimp.

- Then there is a chimp?

Gentlemen, please.

Admittedly, there is a chimp.

And he does like TV.

And it seems he does

prefer the top-rated shows.

And he does go to the refrigerator

and get a beer during the commercials.

Gentlemen!

If the American people ever

found out that a chimpanzee

was selecting programs,

it would be the end of TV.

Gentlemen.

I have a simple solution

to the whole problem.

- Yes?

- We must destroy the chimp.

Oh, no, no.

I can't see it at all.

- We can't do that.

- Oh, no. We couldn't...

Why, we'd have those societies for the

prevention of things all over our backs.

That would be the end

of our dog food accounts.

- I think I have an idea.

- I hope it's better than the bananas.

It's practical and humane.

You see, a chimp belongs in a

jungle, not in a network office.

We know that, Dr. Schmidt.

That's the problem.

What we do is buy the chimp,

return him to the jungle.

He'll be happy, the networks

will continue on as usual

and we will be rid of

Steven Post once and for all!

Brilliant, Schmidt, brilliant.

Bravo! Beautiful!

That's the one.

We certainly have the money.

And every man has his price.

So that's what they think, huh?

Every man's got his price.

Well, don't worry. I don't.

Steve, why don't we take him

and blow this place?

Forget this whole rat race.

I don't want them

to put him in a jungle.

Jen, they can't get to me.

I can't be bought.

$500,000.

Right.

$500,000. That's a...

That's a lot of money.

Well, of course it's a lot of money.

How can you even hesitate?

- Well, I don't know...

- Your future is on the line.

Now you listen to this.

You turn us down,

you'll never work again.

Come on. Be smart, boy.

- I, uh... I have a problem.

- A problem?

Yes, sir. You see, someone else

is involved and I...

Son, no more bickering.

All right.

This will be our final offer.

Take it or leave it.

One million dollars.

One million dollars.

You did it.

- You took the money.

- One million dollars, Jen.

You know what they're

going to do with him.

It was take it or leave it.

Besides, maybe a chimp

does belong in the jungle.

- Not that one.

- Jen.

We can get married now.

We've got everything.

I thought we did for a while.

Now we have nothing.

I don't even think

I like you very much anymore.

Boss. What I don't

understand is why do you have to go?

Well, it's just

too important a mission

to trust to, uh, underlings.

Yeah, but all

the other networks are here.

Oh, I get it.

You don't trust each other.

Well, of course

we trust each other.

Where would you get

a ridiculous idea like that?

It's just that we're getting together

to have a little, uh, outing.

Yes. And you're in charge

while we're gone.

Me in charge?

You're kidding?

We've never been more serious!

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Absolutely nothing. If anyone asks a

question, you don't know the answer.

Anyone wants a decision, stall.

Don't do anything at all!

Do you think you can handle that?

Yeah.

Now what?

Uh, Mr. Wilbanks,

can I talk to you for a minute?

- About what?

- Well, uh...

You see, I was wondering

if maybe you'd reconsider.

I give you the million dollars back,

you give me the chimp?

Well, certainly not, Post.

Are you crazy? A deal is a deal.

- That's all there is to it!

- Of all the nerve!

All set, Uncle.

Mertons is in charge till we get

back. Help him all you can.

Mertons is in charge?

Now, open the door, Roger.

Gee, I'm sorry, Steve.

But I guess you

can't have everything.

Boy, I'd sure do it different

if I had another chance.

Boy, you gentlemen sure

picked an isolated spot.

I don't think this place

has ever been explored.

Well, uh, don't worry,

about the chimp.

He's used to

fending for himself.

Okay, if you'll clear this area,

I'm gonna open this and there's gonna

be suction. I don't want to lose you.

Right. We'll watch it from back there.

Okay, uh, take it easy

back there, huh, gentlemen?

And by all means, uh, don't

touch any of those levers.

Don't worry about that chute. It's

guaranteed to open in ten seconds.

Oh! Don't touch that lever. Oh.

That's a no-no. Ooh.

Don't do that. No, no, no.

- Are you comfortable, chief?

- Just fine.

As soon as the chimp is out,

we'll have lunch.

- Oh, that'll be nice.

- All right.

Here we go. Open up.

Out we go. Jump. Jump.

When you throw him out,

be sure you throw him far enough

so he's in the pictures!

Here we go. Out we go. No?

- Will you throw him out?

- I don't think he wants to go.

I don't think he wants to go.

Put your foot out. Here we go.

- Get rid of him!

- Foot up. Come on. Get out.

Oh, Mr. Crampton!

I think I can

explain this, guys.

We were cruising up there

at 2,000 feet, and the wind...

Hello? Oh, Steve!

Yeah. Yeah. I...

I seem to be calling

for a friend of yours.

Say, uh, this is gonna be

hard to believe

but you remember that chance

you were talking about?

Well, ya got it!

Yeah!

It was that simple. I gave Mertons

the million, and he gave me the chimp.

It must have been tough

to give up all that money.

Mertons needed it to finance a force

to find Wilbanks and the rest of them.

You know, when you think about

it, it wasn't even my money.

It was yours. He's your chimp.

You mean, I gave up

a million bucks?

Yep.

You know what, Steve? I don't

even think we're gonna miss it.

And now an exclusive.

Steven Post,

television's man of the year,

resigned his position today

as vice president of UBC,

and took as his bride,

Miss Jennifer Scott,

his private secretary

and childhood sweetheart.

Their honeymoon destination

is unknown,

but wherever they go,

their many friends

wish this storybook couple

the storybook ending:

That they live

happily ever after.

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