The Battle of Shaker Heights Page #2

- Two, 23, hut hut!

- Hey, G.I. Jane. You disrespected my dad.

- Gimme a break.

- I think you need to apologize to him.

- To that chump? No way.

Why are you dicking with me,

you little dick? You wanna play, dick face?

Wait. You just used "dick" as a noun,

adjective and a verb.

- That's pretty impressive.

- Thank you.

Okay, let's see...

- what little Beetle Bailey

keeps in his knapsack...

- [Grunting]

that makes him

so intelligent.

- Yard sale! Crap.

- Stop!

Hey, Private.

Thanks for the hat.

- [Girls Cheering]

- [Boys Grunting]

- [Girls] Woo! Go!

- dd [Rock]

[Man]

Ready? Go! Go! Go!

- d Today is gonna be a beautiful day d

- [Engine Stalling]

No! Come on!

Hotsie, it's me. Please?

Don't do this to me!

d Now I know it's not

a usual thing d

d Don't dare waste your time d

- [Honking]

- [Shouting]

- [Tires Screeching]

- d Don't dare waste your time d

d No more runnin'

from the usual things d

- [Honking]

- Keep moving, a**hole.

There's nothing

to see here.

Nice one. They should transfer

you to the Signal Corps.

What happened?

Oh, man.

Where do I start?

[Bart]

I can't do anything about yourJeep...

but I can probably

find you another hat.

Oh. What?

Very impressive, man.

My dad's really

into collecting.

What the hell?

- What's this?

- That's Grant's field flask.

Never went into battle

without it.

You know what? Your dad

should really meet my history teacher.

That guy sent me

up the river today...

for questioning his G-rated

interpretation of the Civil War.

Here. Take this.

That'll shut him up.

- Stonewall Jackson's.

- What?

My dad's got so much junk

crammed in here he doesn't even notice

when it's missing.

Before this it was

antique duck decoys.

Ah, here it is.

[Clears Throat]

I think it was

Montgomery's.

- It's yours now.

- You're serious?

- Yeah.

- [Man] Bart? Bart?

- Hey, Dad. I was just, um...

- Hmm.

showing Kelly

some of your pieces.

- He's really into this stuff.

- Oh.

Yeah.

Is-Is that a field stool

from the New York Third?

- My great-great-grandfather

was in the New York Third.

- That's amazing.

Kelly.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

It's a pleasure.

- Knowledgeable young man.

- That's right.

You know, I used to share

your fascination for all things military.

Yeah, I can see.

Lately, though, I've been exploring a

somewhat lighter side of human culture.

Come on.

Um, I know I don't have to tell you,

but put everything back as you found it.

The origin of nesting dolls

is shrouded in mystery.

Some say the oldest

are from China.

Still others say Japan.

I don't have any of those,

but the ones I do have are from Russia...

and the Russians perfected

the art of nesting dolls.

This particular one here,

this is the crown jewel of my collection.

It has 13 levels...

going all the way down

to the teeny tiniest...

the baby, Ruby.

Ruby. Huh.

Yeah. It's silly. I call her Ruby, because

if you look closely at her two little eyes...

they look like rubies.

My little Ruby baby.

Whoa!

Oh, good God.

We should have just taken the damn hat.

We'll get you one.

Ah. I got...

I have to get a flashlight.

- So why'd you let someone take it?

- My hat?

Oh, I didn't let anybody take it.

I just mouthed off to the wrong person.

- Sounds like your mouth

gets you in trouble a lot.

- It does.

Is Mom here?

I need to go over the music with her.

Does it look like Mom's here?

Your mom went shopping.

She'll be back in about an hour.

- Tabby, have you met

Bart's new friend, Kelly?

- Hi.

- [Mutters]

- Whatever you do,

do not give him any money.

- Hey, shut up.

- Hey, you shut up.

He's wanted in three states.

That's funny. We're paying attention

to you now. Ya happy?

I'm really happy.

I'm gonna go take a bath.

Will you tell me when Miner gets here?

Thank you.

- Who's Miner?

- Fianc.

Aha! Ruby.

[Girl] You know that frozen food lady

came in today with her kids.

- Oh, yeah?

- They must eat out of

those cardboard trays every day.

I think one of her kids

even looks like a piece of cardboard.

You know we have more flavors

of cat food here than we do baby food?

- Really?

- Yeah.

What do you think

that says about our culture?

I don't know what it says.

What do you think?

Mmm, I think working here

is very depressing.

Then you should quit.

You could get any job you wanted to.

- You think so?

- Heck, yeah.

Come on. You're smart,

you got a good eye...

- and you do the best promo stuff

in the store.

- Well.

The thing you do

with juice boxes...

- It was genius.

- Thanks.

What are you gonna do?

Enlist?

In the army?

- And lose this? No way! Are you crazy?

- Hello? Hello?

- No way. Nuh-uh.

- Not happening.

- Hello?

If the store is closed, it shouldn't have

a sign that says, "24 hours."

- Okay. I'll be right there.

- I don't wanna be here

when my coupons expire.

Okay.

dd [Rock]

Mornin', Private Ryan.

Like my new hat?

Yeah, actually. I got one just like it.

It's just mine's infested with lice.

Really? You're just

a regular Carrot Top, aren't you?

- [Grunts]

- [Chuckling]

Oh, my God.

One day, me and you

are gonna be alone.

- Won't that be nice?

- Too bad my mom won't let me date yet.

That's a good one, buddy.

Ya got dental insurance?

- Why do you mess with him?

- You're right.

- I should give him a break.

- I mean it.

[Man]

The Allies launched a counter-offensive

two days before the new year.

Kelly, you're home.

Thank goodness.

Move. I need you to go

to the art supply store for me.

I'm not goin'.

Get Abe to do it.

Abe was going... He had to lead

a meeting at Care House.

- What do you need?

- I phoned in the order.

- Is it a big order?

- No. Thank you.

It better not be

a big order.

- [Cash Register Beeping]

- [Woman] Is that it? That one?

- [Woman #2] Yeah, yeah. Third row.

- Thank you.

- [Tabby] Kelly, right?

- Hi.

Uh, so they're having

a glitter sale, it looks like.

- What happened to you?

- What happened... Oh. My eye.

I had a tennis injury

a while back. No big thing.

- So, you paint?

- Oh, yeah. You know.

That's a weird

question to ask.

- How so?

- I don't feel comfortable

calling anything done...

since the Renaissance

"painting."

We might have more experimental

interaction with the picture plane...

but as far as skills go,

we're suffering a great deal.

Okay.

So, I got a question.

- I see you're working with acrylics?

- Mm-hmm?

Why? Isn't oil much richer?

- Oh, not another oil snob.

- I'm not an oil snob, it's just,

isn't acrylic a bit jejune?

- Jejune?

- Yeah, it means...

I know what it means.

- How old are you, anyway?

- Older than my years.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- And... you paint?

- Well, my mom's an artist,

so I kind of pick...

- Oh, that explains it.

- That explains... What does that explain?

W-W-Wait. Doesn't anybody believe

in innate knowledge anymore?

You know, Michelangelo was 15

when he painted the, uh, f..."farnas."

- Infanta.

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