The Battle of Shaker Heights Page #3

- "Fanta." That's what I meant.

Actually, Infantas are Spanish.

Michelangelo was Italian.

Spanish, yeah. Well, uh, exactly.

You know.

- One world, one people,

just like Jesse Jackson envisioned.

- [Phone Ringing]

- Smart guy.

- Hi, sweetie.

I'm just running errands

right now.

I should be home

in about an hour.

- See ya later.

- All right.

What the hell did I just say?

What the hell did I just say?

Jesse Jackson.

Dad?

Dad?

- Dad, get up.

- Aaah!

Sorry.

- Hey, Pop.

- Keller.

You know,

a funny thing just happened to me.

I thought you were

dead on the couch.

Oh, you mean Emmett. They didn't have

any empty beds at Care House.

- Emmett?

- Uh-huh.

So you bring him

to our house?

Why don't you ever think about... Maybe

he might be dangerous to me and Mom.

- Hmm? Or steal all of our furniture?

- He needed a place to sleep.

Well, havin' him here makes it

feel more like home, anyway.

Hey, I've been straight

for five years, almost six.

That's a third of your life.

Big deal.

I've been straight the whole time.

[Man]

That there's actual sand from Iwo Jima.

- Or your sister's fish tank.

- Well, it don't come with no

certificate of authenticity...

Actually, I'm in the market

for an Airborne cap for my friend here.

- I got one. Can't sell it to ya, though.

- Sure?

- It has a lot of sentimental value.

- Yeah? How much?

A lot.

What's this?

General Ulysses S. Grant's

field flask, my friend.

And if that's the collected

works of Baudelaire...

throw it in.

We'll call it even.

Listen, Bart.

I don't need it that bad.

No worries.

You got it all wrong.

War is just failed diplomacy.

If you hate it so much,

why do you keep going to the battles?

Mmm.

It looks good

on college applications.

- You goin' to college?

- I got no choice.

- Mmm.

- What happened to your face?

Oh.

- Remember that guy, Lance,

I told you about?

- Same guy?

He's one pissed-off

little munchkin.

What are you gonna do about it?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

What do you mean, "nothing"?

On the battlefield, you were running

around like Rambo on steroids.

That's different.

I mean, that's just playin' around.

So? Haven't you ever heard of

the 193rd Special Operations Wing?

- Never.

- Wanna get this guy?

- [Bart] Target?

- [Kelly] Lance Norway.

- Objective?

- Humiliation...

rage, despair.

Easy enough. 'Nam's probably

our go-to war for that sort of thing.

I got the declassified briefs from

the Phoenix Project around here.

I knew my dad's crap

would come in handy.

Hey, guys. I've got some

stretcher bars out in my car.

- Do you think one of you

could help me bring 'em in?

- Of course.

We'll drop what we're doing,

because what you're doing

must be more important.

- It is.

- Sure.

- I mean, I'll help.

- Thanks.

- What is your...

- I'll find those reports!

Perfect. Thanks.

It's the waterfront.

No, as a viewer,

I get to decide what it is...

and it doesn't look anything like

a waterfront to me.

It's the light.

I was playing with diffusion.

Put it away when you're

done with it, all right?

Very funny.

This is really nice, though.

Must be nice to have a place

like this to get away to, huh?

Yeah, it is.

It's great.

So, what about Farmer?

- Farmer?

- Yeah, the boyfriend.

- Miner?

- Miner. I'm sorry. Miner. Okay.

Well, w-w-what about h...

Is he an artist too?

So, you said your mom

was a painter?

Ah, she used to be.

She still is, I guess.

She had to turn it into a business,

'cause my dad stopped working.

We got this family of Chinese immigrants

living in the house making them for her.

Kinda like Andy Warhol's factory?

Not his factory. More like...

More like Andy Warhol's tool shed.

It's nice, though.

I'm not dissing it.

- I used to have my playpen

in her studio.

- Huh.

So, why'd your dad

stop working?

He's a VH 1 documentary

without the music.

Damn it, Kelly.

I can't plan your revenge by myself.

- Come on!

- Have fun, boys.

Ha! Fun. If only war were fun.

War is deadly serious, ma'am.

You know, I'm kinda worried about you

playing with diffusion unsupervised.

- Are you?

- Yeah.

I might have to come by and show you

some proper safety procedures.

I don't think I have room

in here for a playpen.

[Kelly] Hey, Sarah! Wait up. Wait up.

Do you have the math homework?

- [Sarah] Why? So you can cheat?

- Well, yeah. Can I?

No, but I'll tell you what.

I have an extra ticket

to Aerosmith on Friday night.

Is that gonna be loud?

Yeah. It's gonna be loud.

It's music.

Yeah.

It might be really good for you to get out,

mingle with some normal people.

Something could rub off on you,

I hope.

Well, we'll talk about it

on the night shift. Yes? Okay.

[Bart] Citizens, this is the emergency

broadcast notification system.

This is not a test of the system.

This is an actual notif... Damn.

- That was pretty good, except the end.

- Nah.

Don't you love being a minor? There's no

consequences for illegal activities...

you're not responsible

if the economy goes bad.

No drinking, no credit,

no freedom.

- At least not at my house.

- You talk about it, but I never see.

My parents do their best work

without an audience.

Oh, yeah?

- Like what?

- Do you think I picked Dartmouth?

- You didn't pick it?

- No.

- What about Tabby?

- Tabby, she got to go where she wanted.

Sarah Lawrence, six years.

She's goin' to grad school, though: Yale.

She goes to Yale? Wow.

I didn't think people went to Yale.

Well...

she drives off in her car

in September...

but for all we know, she pulls over

in Albany and sleeps there until May.

What do you mean?

Joke.

[Makes Nasal Noise]

- That was a joke?

That's what they sound like?

- Yeah.

- For some reason,

I always thought they'd be funnier.

- Well.

- Wait. Isn't Sarah Lawrence

a school for lesbians?

- [Sighs]

How's their football team?

[Woman]

Vermont.

Oh, remember the Milbet's place

in Lake Champlain, darling?

[Mr. Bowland] And what was that

wonderful cheese that we had there?

- Gouda.

- Yes, Gouda.

- Are you sure?

- Yes. Gouda.

Anyway, the great thing

about Middlebury is that

the French department is awesome.

French. What are you gonna do

with that? Write poetry?

You know, they predict

China is going to be the largest market

of the 21 st century.

Maybe I should take

Chinese, then.

Mandarin is the most spoken dialect,

but the Chinese speak

hundreds of distinct languages.

Speaking of which, Tabby,

honey, have you finished

the seating arrangement yet?

Mom, can we just talk about

something else for once?

Well, darling, we have to take the list

to the calligrapher.

Mmm. Tabby?

Well, you know, uh...

speaking of calligraphy

and the Chinese...

the...

the Chinese peoples

invented calligraphy.

They did.

But I tend to stray away

from saying "invent" too often...

just because it reinforces

patriarchal stereotypes...

as we all know.

Exactly. Men invent,

women give birth.

Although, women

invented babies.

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