The Battle of Shaker Heights Page #4

Right, but babies

gave birth to man.

[All Chuckling]

What an unusual conversation.

Do you have discussions like this

at home with your family, Kelly?

My family, uh, they're similar.

A little different.

He does know how

to talk about art.

- Do you?

- You do?

My mother's kind of an artist, so I

pick up very quickly on that kind of stuff.

Oh, you come from

a creative family, do you?

I do.

Well, I wish I could get my boys

to talk to me about any of my passions.

Just try to get them

near the subject of my garden.

- Oh.

- Speaking of, Mrs. Bowland...

I saw your magnolias.

Very fine specimens.

- Oh, thank you.

They are fine, aren't they?

- They're gorgeous.

I just think that flowers are so... sen...

Sensual?

[Kelly]

Yeah. It looks empty.

Lance must be out torturing

puppies or something.

Lemme see.

So, you have a thing

for my sister?

- What? No.

- Everybody does.

I don't.

Bart, I don't.

All right. The coast is clear.

Let's get a closer look.

Come on.

Tabby and I just have

a few things in common.

Oh, really?

Like what?

Like what? I can't tell you about that.

It's my feminine side.

You don't wear

women's clothes, do you?

Hey. Feeling pretty's

not a crime. All right?

Whatever.

Bart. Bart, why?

- What? Bart. Bart!

- [Bart Grunting]

Bart!

Bart!

Can I help you, young man?

- Uh, what? What?

- Kelly?

Mr. Norway!

I was looking for my "merlnds".

Your what?

I had a box of purple "kiffnits". My

friends threw it over. Little purple box?

- Pardon?

- You haven't seen it?

Yeah, I'm coming!

Will you excuse me for a second?

[Whispering]

Bart!

Sh*t.

[Softer]

Bart!

[Car Alarm Beeps]

- Are you crazy?

- Yes, but now we know the layout

of the entire house. Come on!

[Bart, Slurring]

Dunkin said he'd get...

- like, 10 guys to help us out.

- [Kelly] Cool, cool.

And one of them's gonna

videotape the whole thing.

And I'll tell ya something, Bart.

Once we get that tape played

on the school TV station...

it's gonna be all over but the shoutin',

you know what I mean?

Only a few more days till the field trip

and Operation Mincemeat.

- [Coughing] To Mincemeat.

- To enemies!

To enemies too.

Oh, man.

[Blowing Air, Sucking]

You know what's funny?

It's funny. It's like everything was good

for a while, you know?

Everything was fine.

And then, uh...

I got angry, you know.

At my dad, mostly.

And then I just started... I started saying

whatever popped into my head...

and now I can't stop.

Know what I mean?

Bart?

[Muttering]

dd [Man Singing On Radio, Indistinct]

Hey!

I warned ya I'd come.

- All right. I'm gonna go, then.

- What do you want?

Um, inspiration.

I had this idea for a painting. Thought

maybe I could come in here and paint it.

Okay. You can grab

a canvass in the corner.

There's paintbrushes

in thejar.

- Paint's on the shelves.

- Okay.

[Rattling]

- Oh, I don't have much time.

- Am I messing up your concentration,

me being here?

No, it's fine.

So, um,

when's your wedding happening?

Ah, next week.

I'd rather not

talk about it.

Why? Something wrong?

No.

What are you painting?

[Sighs]

What am I painting?

Really, there's just so many layers

of imaginistic symbolism here...

that I wouldn't feel comfortable

summing it all up.

All right.

It's this reoccurring dream I have

of a mermaid riding a rocket ship.

A rocket ship. How?

Well, she's riding it sidesaddle.

She's a mermaid.

She's got a fishtail, for Chrissake.

Okay.

The most important thing,

of course, though...

is empathy.

Just 'cause you want the viewer to feel

like the mermaid understands them.

You know.

Do you have any idea

what you're talking about?

Does it matter?

Sometimes people say

what they really think.

Okay, smarty. Well, what if people

don't know what they really think?

Doesn't matter.

You just be yourself.

That sounds boring to me.

No, it's not boring.

It's scary...

and wonderful and exciting.

- Really? What's so exciting

about being yourself...

- [Man] Hey!

- [Tabby] Hi!

- There you are.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hi. Miner Webber.

- Webber Miner.

- [Tabby] Kelly.

This is Kelly.

Kelly Ernswiler.

It's a pleasure.

Uh, so, what have we got,

a little painting class goin' on here?

He's one

of Bart's friends.

- He paints.

- That's great. Listen, if we're

gonna be on time for dinner...

- we gotta get going.

- Okay. I'm gonna grab my coat.

All right.

- So you paint, huh?

- Yeah, you know, just started.

Right.

So what do you do in your spare time?

You a hobby man?

[Chuckles]

You're still in high school?

Yeah, I am.

But I also moonlight as a stock boy

over at the Shop-Ease...

and President Don Kaminski

says ever employee's part-owner.

So I guess you can say

I'm a captain of industry... in training.

Sort of, um, a capitalist larva.

Wow. That's... quite an image.

Only if you see the most magical part.

Do you see it?

No. What is it?

One day, I'm gonna be

a beautiful butterfly. Right?

But first, I have to be a pupa.

And pupas don't really go out much, so I

don't think I'm gonna be going out much.

Pupa...

the awkward adolescence

of the insect world.

- All set!

- Uh, about time. Let's go.

- Kelly, if you want, you can...

- Yeah, no thanks. I gotta go to work.

- You know what this is right here?

- What?

Eighteen volts

of pure freedom.

Have you been in

the cough syrup aisle again?

Perhaps.

Hey, have you thought

any more about that concert?

Um, yeah. Sarah, I don't

really think that's a good idea.

Why not?

It's kind of a date,

isn't it?

Um, I don't know.

'Cause if it is,

I'm not gonna be able to go...

'cause I'm kind of

seeing somebody at the moment.

- You're seeing somebody?

- I'm not...

I'm not seeing her, but, uh...

we're about to see...

I'm about to see her.

Yeah, well, who... I mean,

if you don't mind me asking... who is she?

Shhoo... She's, uh...

You don't know her.

She's not, you know, somebody you know.

Is she a mail-order bride

or something?

[Sighs]

[Beeping]

[Crashes]

Okay, that's good.

You're on the right track.

Hey, numb-nut.

Trying to do a project.

Why don't you pull a little weight?

Oh, I think you can color

inside the lines by yourself. Don't you?

You know, I think so, but actually,

I forgot my nontoxic crayons.

So, why don't you do it

for me, diaper-baby?

[Laughs]

[Cackles]

[Bart] My dad has this friend

who's a director...

- He's shooting a documentary

for the History Channel.

- Oh, that's cool.

He needs some guys to reenact a battle

from the Allied defensive for him.

We're gonna be on

the History Channel?

- I haven't asked you yet.

- Well, ask me then.

- Stop. Seriously, put it away.

- Come on. Ask me!

Ask me.

Well, if you want to

next week...

but you have to

take it seriously.

Of course, I will.

I always take it seriously.

From what I've seen, you play fast

and loose with your characterizations.

I'm fast and loose?

You're fast and loose.

I play the emotional truth.

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