The Battle of Shaker Heights Page #5

I make it real.

- Like back in the dining room?

- [C*cks Gun] What was that?

"I've noticed your magnolias.

Very fine specimens."

[Scoffs]

That was real?

What the hell does that

have to do with anything?

You seem to have your own agenda.

That's all.

Well, Bart,

I do have my own agenda.

What other reason is there

to do anything?

I'm just saying, I know the difference

between fantasy and reality.

Oh, okay. So you're saying that

I don't know the difference?

I don't... I don't know.

You don't know what, Bart? You

don't know if you just said that to me?

It's just... It's just nervous energy

before a big mission.

It's natural.

Right. Nerves.

See you at 0400.

I'll be there at 0400.

And if I don't sell them there, I'll

set up on the corner of Stevenson Lane.

That's a good location.

- Are you listening to me?

- [Sighs]

Did you put more red pepper

in this than usual?

No, it's the same as always.

- Honey, you should eat.

- Nah, I'm not hungry.

[Footsteps Approaching]

- Kelly! You want some dinner?

- I ate.

[Footsteps Departing]

One day, we'll all be happy.

[Laughs]

I won't know what to do with myself.

- [Laughs]

- [Snorts]

- dd [Cartoonish Music On Television]

- [Snoring]

[Beeping]

[Man On Television]

Of Shaker Heights... We're

under attack. I repeat, under attack.

This is not a test or a drill.

This is an actual emergency.

Enemy troops are fanning out,

and we're not sure where

they're coming from yet.

In fact, very little is known

about our invaders at the present time.

What little we know is that

they're ruthless, organized...

and we strongly urge you to stay inside

and do not try to defend yourselves.

These people are easily pissed off

and extremely dangerous.

[Man #2]

That's correct, Bill. We've received word

the police force has been overthrown.

Just the sheer size of

this invasion is staggering.

Also, we've been told by a reliable source

that aggressive action...

- [Helicopter Whirring]

- towards the attackers

will be promptly punished.

- [Man #2] They're everywhere!

- [Bill] Please! Don't risk any action.

[Bill] There's really little that

anyone can do to stop these people.

Get under a table! Cover your heads!

[Continues, Indistinct]

[Screams]

[Man #2]

They're in the building!

- [Gasps]

- Get him!

Bring him down here! Come on!

Carry him outside!

Let go of me!

Let go!

Go! Come on!

- Please!

- Put him down! Right there!

- Where are the purple "kiffnits"?

- What?

- Give us the "merlnds"!

- What?

- Cooperate, or die like a dog!

- Please, don't hurt me.

- Please, don't hurt me.

- [Chuckles]

- You know too much already.

Look, please, I w... I prom...

I'm not gonna tell anybody.

- Your whimpering sickens us.

You die now!

- Please, don't do...

- Now!

- [Whimpers]

[Sobs]

- [Dispatcher, Indistinct]

- [Sobbing Continues]

- Oh, damn.

- Mission accomplished, I'd say.

- Oh, man.

- Can't ask for more than that.

Move out!

Go! Go! Go!

- [Siren Wailing]

- [Whimpering]

[Siren Clicks Off]

- We have to talk.

- Not now. I gotta go to school.

Your father's

in the hospital.

Again? Unbelievable.

Which junkie is it now?

It's him.

[Mr. Norway] They called the western

front the "Sausage Factory."

And not in a...

in a positive sense.

Sure, we-we all like hot dogs...

but this had a decidedly

negative connotation.

Anything to add,

Mr. Ernswiler?

- Uh, no, sir.

- Good.

Now, uh, on to the...

the offensive weaponry.

Um, mustard gas...

[Chuckles, Clears Throat]

So, filming on Saturday.

You excited?

He's got an explosives expert coming.

It's gonna be awesome.

They want you to come

dressed like Wonder Woman. That cool?

What's the matter with you?

Well, he hasn't been to school

in two days.

You know, I'm starting

to worry a little bit.

I'm sure he's fine.

You're sure he's fine?

How are you so sure?

[Clears Throat]

- [Dialing]

- Who you calling?

[Ringing]

- [Mr. Norway] Hello?

- Lance, please.

- Just a minute. Lance!

- Cut the phone... Give me the phone.

- Give me the phone.

- [Lance] I got it, Dad.

See that? He's fine.

Maybe you should think

about something else, like...

what are you gonna do

after graduation?

Well, nice segue.

You sound like your dad.

All right, you can joke,

but he was talking about helping you out.

Wanna go to Dartmouth?

- Are you serious?

- He was. He could pull some strings.

[Sighs] I don't know, man.

I don't know if that'll work for me.

You know. I'm not socially ready for that.

You know what I mean?

Well, tell that to my family.

They're like you're little fan club.

- Even Tabby likes you.

- She say that to you?

- You read it in her diary or somethin'?

- She invited you to the wedding.

But you probably wouldn't

wanna do that, so I'll...

What're you... Weddings?

Bro, I love weddings.

Me and weddings... Right here.

Like this.

In fact, every time I'm at weddings

I usually get wasted

and-and dry hump someone's aunt.

Well, good. I'll, uh,

call my mom's aunt, Maureen...

and, uh, tell her to expect

a little action.

Maureen, huh? Pretty name.

Yeah. A little advice, though...

Don't look right at the goiter. It's... Mmm.

Tabby?

So you invited me

to your wedding?

There isn't going to be

a wedding.

Wh-Why? What happened?

Miner kissed this woman

he works with.

[Sighs]

Honestly, I didn't think you guys

were right for each other anyway.

You didn't, huh?

[Sniffles]

Like-Like this painting,

for instance.

You see this painting?

If you were to stare at this for too long,

you wouldn't know what it was.

But for somebody who just

comes in and sees it, they know

exactly what it is. You know?

I don't need any bullshit

right now.

Couldn't understand you, Tabby.

I'm not as complicated

as you think.

Well, I didn't...

I didn't say you were complicated.

I'm really sorry, Tabby.

Come on. Don't cry.

- [Sobs]

- No, don't cry.

Please.

Here you go.

[Laughs]

You like me, don't you?

Of course.

No, I mean...

you like me.

[Softly]

Oh.

I think you're amazing.

[Engine Starts]

[Mr. Bowland]

Bart? What are you doing out there?

Mom?

- [People Chattering]

- Some peoples were supposed to

show up and we know... showed up.

- You look perfect.

- You think so?

Yeah, it's been seasoning under my bed

for a little bit. Put a little work into it.

Uh, some of the other boys

are over at craft service.

Okay.

[Sighs Deeply]

The snack table.

Oh, craft service is the snack table.

Okay.

Um, let me show... No...

[Continues, Indistinct]

- Is Bart Bowland here?

- I have no idea. Excuse me.

So, uh, I want a meeting shot

coming down here with whatever you...

[Chattering]

All right, everybody,

we're gonna start positioning.

You, you and you...

I want you over by that tree.

You and all of you guys...

you're up behind the hill.

- All right. Whose Jeep is that?

- That M.G.? She's mine.

Great. We're gonna need to use it.

Can you take it behind the hill?

Sure.

Um, did Bart Bowland

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes