The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas

It was the nicest little whorehouse

you ever saw.

It lay about a mile outside the city limits,

so everybody could feel real friendly.

Sheriff Jack Roy Wallace picked it out

for Miss Wulla Jean in 1910,...

...and she moved there with her girls from

over the hardware store on main street.

# Oh, the little house lay

# In a green Texas glade

# Where the trees were as coolin'

# As fresh lemonade

# Soft summer wind

had a trace of perfume

# And a fan was turnin' in every room

# Twenty fans were turnin',

they were turnin'

# Twenty fans were turnin' in every room

# Fevers were a-burnin',

they were burnin'

# And they had to have

a way to cool down

Right from the beginning,

the little house was special,...

...like a home away from home.

Miss Wulla Jean put a Pianola

in the parlour to sorta help break the ice.

A fella could ask a girl to dance

or, if he held back a little, she'd ask him.

And pretty soon they'd get

a little business goin'.

Two dollars' worth.

Yahoo!

It wasn't long before it became one of the

better-known pleasure palaces in Texas.

So much so that the fellas

who visited during World War I...

...sent their sons back in World War I I.

The hospitality and friendliness

never changed,...

...and neither did Miss Wulla Jean's

strict set of rules.

She liked her ladies, as she called 'em,...

...to treat her customers real good,

but never in an unladylike way.

And she insisted that each girl

check her gentleman for the clap...

...and wash him off

with soap and warm water.

Some of the fellas claimed that

that was the best part!

Oo-ee!

It was only durin' the Hoover Depression

that the little house had tough times.

Miss Wulla Jean put in a jukebox

to spark up business.

But it wasn't always easy in them days

to come up with hard cash.

Well, you just keep that in the bag...

...and I'll take it out back

as soon as we're finished.

So for a while, as the story goes,...

...the girls began acceptin'

poultry in trade.

One bird, one lay.

And that's how the place got its name.

The Chicken Ranch.

Course, if you grew up

anywhere in Texas,...

...you knew at an early age

they was sellin' somethin' out there,...

...and it wasn't poultry.

# Twenty fans were turnin',

they were turnin'

# Twenty fans were turnin' in every room

# Fevers were a-burnin',

they were burnin'

# And they had to have

a way to cool down

# Twenty fans were hummin',

they were hummin'

# Twenty fans were hummin'

in every room

# Customers were comin',

they were comin'

# And they had to have

a way to cool down

# Twenty fans were turnin',

they were turnin'

# Twenty fans were turnin' in every room

# Fevers were a-burnin',

they were burnin'

# And they had to have

a way to cool down

# Twenty fans were hummin',

they were hummin'

# Twenty fans were hummin'

in every room

# Customers were comin',

they were comin'

# And they had to have

a way to cool down

Y'all come back now, you hear?

Yahoo!

# Twenty fans were turnin',

they were turnin'

# Twenty fans were turnin' in every room

# Fevers were a-burnin',

they were burnin'

# And they had to have

a way to cool down

# Twenty fans were turnin',

they were turnin'

# Twenty fans were turnin' in every room

# Fevers were a-burnin',

they were burnin'

# And they had to have

a way to cool down

- # Hallelujah

- # Hallelujah

For three generations, the Chicken Ranch

went peacefully about its business...

...while the people in Gilbert

went about theirs.

That is, until about seven years ago.

I was a deputy back then,

workin' for Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd.

You wanted me to remind you

about your appointment.

That was right after I had lost

the fried chicken franchise,...

...while Ed Earl had been sheriff

ever since old Jack Roy Wallace retired.

Everybody liked Ed Earl,

especially Ed Earl.

Course, he sure did know his job,

and he was a big influence on me.

Taught me everything I know.

He used to like to run a quiet town...

...with plenty of time off for socialisin'

and coffee over at Dulcie Mae's Caf.

Oh, now and again there'd be a problem,

and we had some tough ones.

Like the time the mule

sat on Miss Modene's car.

He just buckled up his legs

and sat down.

She was really havin' a hissy fit,

but it didn't faze Ed Earl.

He just walked over to that jackass

and laid down the law.

You see, Ed Earl always

believed in talkin' first.

Cool reasonin', he used to tell me,

could solve any problem.

Course, he did have a bit of a temper.

Anyway, just about the time he became

sheriff, Miss Wulla Jean passed on.

She left the Chicken Ranch to her

favourite workin' girl, Mona Stangely,...

...who saw the little house

as a Texas institution...

...and aimed to keep it that way.

# It's just a little-bitty

pissant country place

# Ain't nothin' much to see

# No drinkin' allowed

# We get a nice quiet crowd

# Plain as it can be

# It's just a piddly, squattin'

old-time country place

# Ain't nothin' too high-toned

# Just lots of goodwill

# And maybe one small thrill

# But there's nothin' dirty goin' on

# Nothin' dirty goin' on

# We get simple farmers,

local businessmen

# Congress folks from Austin,

young boys lookin' for sin

# Now, we used to get

a lot of roughnecks

# When the oil boom was high

# But payday'd get a little rowdy

# Thank God the field run dry

# It's just a little-bitty

pissant country place

# Nothin' much to see

# No drinkin' allowed,

we get a nice quiet crowd

# Plain as it can be

# It's just a piddly, squattin'

old-time country place

# Nothin' too high-toned

# Just lots of goodwill

and maybe one small thrill

# But there's nothin' dirty goin' on

# Keep your language clean, girls

# Keep your bedrooms neat

# And don't hang around the town caf

and say hi on the street

# Mind your p's and q's and manners

# And you don't need no other tools

# Cos every girl that lives here

knows my special no-no rules

# Yeah, every girl that lives here

knows Miss Mona's no-no rules

- Ruby Rae, start 'em.

- # Beds are not to be wallowed in

# That's the kind of thing

that big fat lazy hogs do

- It don't make money. Beatrice?

- # And I won't tolerate

# No tyin' up my telephone

with other people's business

Eloise, honey?

# And please don't show us no tattoos,

no hearts and flowers on your thigh

It's downright tacky.

# Brands belong on cattle

# And that ain't what

we're sellin' at Miss Mona's

Do you catch my drift?

# I pay the food and the rent

and the utilities

# You keep your mind on

your work responsibilities

# Don't let your mouth

overload your capabilities

# And we can get along

Dawn?

# Any bad habits you come in with,

get rid of right now

# I can't stand no chewin' gum,

it looks just like a cow

# Anyone takin' sick leave

oughta be real sure they're sick

# And every time you hear that bell

# You better get here double-quick

# And as for pimps

# Pimps are somethin' you don't need

to get your daily business done

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