The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas Page #2

Are you listenin' good?

# Keep them leeches and bloodsuckers

off the back roads

# I know how to use a gun

and nobody messes with my girls

# And any questions you might have

about the way I run this place

# Don't gripe and whine behind my back

# Just tell me face-to-face,

I'm open-minded

# Say it all, then go upstairs and pack

# The door's thataway

# She pays the food and the rent

and the utilities

# We keep our mind on

our work responsibilities

# Don't let your mouth

overload your capabilities

# And we can get along

Well, howdy, boys. It's good to see you.

Nice to meet you.

Come on over here.

I'd like you to meet my girls.

# It's just a little-bitty

pissant country place

# Nothin' much to see

# No drinkin' allowed,

we get a nice quiet crowd

# Plain as it can be

# It's just a piddly, squattin'

old-time country place

# Nothin' too high-toned

# Just lots of goodwill

and maybe one small thrill

# But there's nothin' dirty goin' on

# It's just a little-bitty

pissant country place

# Nothin' much to see

# No drinkin' allowed,

we get a nice quiet crowd

# Plain as it can be

# It's just a piddly, squattin'

old-time country place

# Nothin' too high-toned

# Just lots of goodwill

and maybe one small thrill

# Just lots of goodwill

and maybe one small thrill

# Just lots of goodwill

and maybe one small thrill

# But there's nothin' dirty goin' on

- # Nothin' dirty goin' on

- Yeah!

Well, everything was goin' along fine,

just like always,...

...until that famous college

football celebration.

Some think that's when

the trouble started.

For years, the winning seniors...

...of the Texas Aggie/Texas U

football game at Thanksgiving...

...were treated to a night out

at the Chicken Ranch...

...by their alumni association.

But, actually, the real trouble started

brewin' about three days before.

I can't tell you how thrilled we are

with your contribution.

- Here's your receipt.

- Thank you, Rita.

Those kids'll be so excited,

and the mayor too.

The council will probably

vote you another plaque.

Lord, I hope not.

I got a closet full of 'em now!

Hello, Dulcie Mae. You know Miss Mona.

Oh, yes, of course! We've met.

Mornin'.

- Good mornin'.

- Isn't this wonderful?

Miss Mona has just capped the goal

for the Little League fund campaign.

Oh, how nice!

Well, on behalf of my son and

his team-mates, I wanna thank you.

You tell 'em I'll be well repaid when

they take the championship next year.

- Goodbye, Rita.

- I'm sorry the sheriff wasn't here.

He went to Meritsville.

He'll be gone all afternoon.

Well, you tell him I said hi.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Bye.

- Hey, Miss Mona.

- How are you doin', Deputy Fred?

- It's nice to see you.

- Keepin' an eye on my place at night?

The sheriff's real particular

about security there.

Well, one of these nights,

you drop in.

My girls would love to show you

a little appreciation.

Shoot, Miss Mona!

You know I'm a married man.

Fred, you think the cows

don't appreciate the time off...

...when a bull goes over

to another pasture?

Miss Mona!

- See you later, Miss Mona.

- OK. Goodbye.

- Damn it!

- What's the matter?

- You're in bed already.

- So?

So I told you a hundred times - watching

you get undressed is the best part.

The best part?

Well, maybe not the best part,

but in the top two.

Now, would I wanna disappoint

my little honey?

Whoo!

- I'm glad I was late.

- Me too!

You just hold your horses.

I got a surprise for you.

I went by the post office. I picked up

a package from Frederick's of Hollywood.

Just a little something sexy

I thought you'd like.

Little? It don't look little to me.

Well, it ain't a trainin' bra,

but I believe I can fill it out.

- I don't think you got any problem there.

- I'll be back with more.

You know, Mona,

I've known a lot of women in my life.

None of 'em have ever been

exciting to me like you are.

Really? Even after all these years

we've been meetin' like this?

I'll tell you something.

A year with you is like...

a minute of sheer happiness.

Well, now, that is just about the sweetest

thing anybody ever said to me.

I know.

You know, honey...

...you bring out the... romantic in me.

Ta-da!

Whoo! You did that real fast.

I've had a lot of practice

gettin' in and out of my clothes.

How do you like the outfit?

Hot damn. Makes me feel real sexy!

Whoo!

Well, you don't look real sexy.

- I look like I always look.

- That's just it.

It's them damn droopy boxer drawers.

I just hate the looks of them.

- I've worn boxer shorts for years!

- And they look like it.

These are a brand-new pair.

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

People tell me I have

a real sexy quality about me.

Well, you do,

but them boxer shorts don't.

But when I was gettin' me some

sexy things, I thought about you.

They have a his-and-hers department...

...and I thought you might

wanna try that on for size.

What the hell is it? A Japanese slingshot?

No, it's Jockey shorts

with little silver snaps on the side.

Mm. "Little" is the key word here.

They are real little.

A guy could hurt himself wearin' those.

I don't think so, thank you very much.

Ed Earl, I paid $20 for these, plus

postage, and I want you to wear 'em.

- You paid $20 for these?

- Yes!

Well, you got screwed.

- Come on, Ed Earl!

- No!

If they look half as good as I think,

you ain't gonna wear 'em but a second.

Maybe less.

- They're ridiculous.

- They're sexy.

No, no, no!

Well, fine! I'm gettin' dressed

and goin' home.

Well, fine! I'm goin' in the bathroom

and... put these on.

Be like puttin' two bowlin' balls

in a marble bag.

Braggin', braggin', braggin'.

- Well, I saw Dulcie Mae in town today.

- Oh, yeah?

I guess you'll be goin' there

for Thanksgivin' dinner.

- Don't I always?

- You better check that turkey of hers...

...because there's a hook in there that's

gonna drag your ass to a weddin' chapel.

No way.

I don't believe in matrimony.

It screws up a relationship.

Amen to that, Ed Earl.

- Ready?

- Oh, I'm always ready.

Well, hellfire! Is that it?

- How'd you like it?

- I didn't hardly get to even see them!

That's all you're gonna see,

cos I ain't parading around.

- Oh, come on, Ed Earl.

- No!

- For me.

- No.

- One itsy-bitsy peek?

- What are you doin'?

Now, that's what

the little silver snaps are for.

- Work, don't they?

- Just like a snap.

Come on over here

and give me a little lip-lock.

Oop. Gotta brush my teeth.

You know how I am about my breath.

Oh, Ed Earl, I like a lot of things, but

these afternoons with you top the list.

Yeah? Well, sing it to me, honey.

# I like fancy, frilly things

# High-heeled shoes and diamond rings

# Ragtime bands and Western swing

# And sneakin' around with you

# Well, I like beer and rodeos

# Detective books and dominoes

# Football games and Cheerios

and sneakin' around with you

# Sneakin' around with you

# Goin' a round or two

# Doin' what lovers do

# Whenever they're sneakin' around

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