The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas Page #3

# I like lots of cash on hand

# And dirty jokes

about the Fuller Brush Man

# I like stuff I understand

like sneakin' around with you

# You know, I like a thrill

that has no strings

# Friendship that don't ever change

# And laughter from the joy of things

# And sneakin' around with you

# Sneakin' around with you

# Goin' a round or two

# Doin' what lovers do

# Whenever they're sneakin' around

# I like drive-in picture shows

# Kissin' long and lovin' slow

# The secret places lovers go

whenever they're sneakin' around

Whoo!

# I like the crazy things we try

# And the sexy things we fantasise

# Just a-makin' out

in the broad daylight

# And sneakin' around with you

# Sneakin' around with you

# Keepin' it all brand-new

# Gettin' the best of you

# Whenever we're sneakin' around

# Sneakin' around, that's all

# I'm gonna lay down the law

# Watchin' the rise and fall

# Of lovers sneakin' around

- # We're just sneakin' around

- # Oh, we're just

# Sneakin'!

Sheriff?

Sheriff!

- Deputy Fred.

- Fred.

Oh...

Hold that position.

Don't move. Be right back.

- This better be important.

- Well, I think it is.

I saw your car and I figured

your phone was out, because...

What are you wearin' that for?

- Takin' a shower.

- Oh, really?

I take my shower in the mornin'.

I read in the Reader's Digest...

I don't care! What do you want?

The mayor wants to speak to you. Rita's

been callin' all over the county for you.

- He wants a meeting right away.

- Can't it wait?

- You mean till after your shower?

- Mm...

You go to your radio.

Tell him I'll be there when I get there.

Nothing can be that important

that it can't wait.

Right, Sheriff.

Nice man, but dumb.

Mona?

Mona?

Ain't that funny? Miss Mona was

at the back, knockin' on the screen door.

She was in a hurry,

but just dropped by to give you this.

It's a Japanese slingshot.

Well, look at that! At last!

OK, Rufus. What's on your mind?

Something with serious implications

to the health of this town! Tell him, CJ!

I have this friend that works

in a TV station down in Houston.

He tipped me off that Melvin P Thorpe's

plannin' an expos on the Chicken Ranch.

- Who?

- Melvin P Thorpe.

He's that crazy consumer advocate.

Has a report on the late night news.

The Watchdog Report. It's on tonight.

The Chicken Ranch on TV.

Now, come on, fellas.

- Television is a family medium.

- But he's a sensationalist.

He shows up every time a consumer has

a complaint. He's a menace to business.

He's that fella that put the peanuts

back in the chocolate bar.

What?

He made the makers of

the Peanut Delight candy bar admit...

...that they put less peanuts in than

they said. He made 'em change their ways.

- Sounds like a tough customer.

- He has a lot of influence.

If he brings cameras

to the Chicken Ranch...

Come on, Rufus!

I'll make some phone calls.

I got a little influence

around this state myself.

Well, it's no use talkin' to me

about it, Sheriff.

Melvin P Thorpe is now the biggest

attraction at this station.

High ratings. Lots of letters.

He doesn't listen to anybody.

Hell, he wants to go national! Wants

to be watchdog for the whole US of A.

Love to help, but just like you don't

wanna mess with the Chicken Ranch...

...I don't wanna ruffle

this old bird's feathers.

Here in Houston, he's becomin'

a regular Texas attraction.

Now, wait a minute, Ed Earl.

I'd tread easy on this one.

Them TV boys can be mighty powerful.

And mighty useful, if you get my meaning.

Senator, roll call.

Excuse me, Ed Earl. I gotta go.

It's that damn bilingual bullshit again.

Let me give you a word of advice

from one elected official to another.

Be careful of the box.

What the hell's goin' on? This goddamn

Thorpe's got the whole state bamboozled.

This is serious, Ed Earl.

You gotta do somethin'.

I intend to.

Deputy Fred, I want you to

hold down the fort for a while.

- Me?

- Yeah, you.

- Where you goin'?

- To Houston.

I'm gonna take care of that

little peckerwood myself.

- This is it.

- Thank you.

Come in.

- Mr Thorpe?

- I know you.

- You do?

- Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd.

They told me you were here. Come on in.

I hope I'm not... interruptin' anything.

Oh, please! It's my pleasure, my honour.

What brings you to Houston?

Sit down. Anywhere over here.

I'm gettin' dressed. Sit down.

I've got my TV show to do,

and I'm runnin' a bit behind time.

It's your show I want to talk to you about,

Mr Thorpe.

- Melvin.

- Melvin.

- Please. You watch the show, Ed?

- Well...

Last week was the best ratin' we ever had.

The city planning commissioner

was drivin' a city car...

Hold that for me, will you?

...while he was on vacation.

Caught him dead to rights.

That pitiful putz.

Would you just pull that up?

Just pull that up.

And we broke a 30 share. It's affectin'

my pieces on the late night news.

Up, up, up.

They just love my little report.

- I hear you're very popular.

- The power of television...

...of public exposure,

is so great it scares me.

I swear, I could get the mayor's

own children to throw rocks at him.

Which show did you like best, Ed?

I think the one about

the... nuts in the chocolate bar.

That's one of my favourites.

Threescore means 60, like the Bible says.

So if it says "60 nuts" on the wrapper...

...I wanna see 60 nuts inside.

And I'm talkin' full nuts.

I'm not talkin' a half-nut...

...or nut bits or nut chips.

I'm talkin' a full nut.

I can see that.

Thank God we still live in a society...

...where anything that's phoney or

dishonest can't stand the light of day.

- Sock.

- Beg your pardon?

Sock. Thank you.

Yeah...

Most corporations

involved in false advertisin'...

...would just laugh at a $50 fine.

But you show up with your TV camera

and give them a little bad publicity...

...and they shape up faster than

goose sh*t slides through a tin horn.

Melvin, it's that bad publicity I want to

talk to you about. That could hurt people.

You take that report you're doin'

on the Chicken Ranch.

That place is older than rocks and water.

I expect your granddaddy

took your daddy there...

...to learn about the birds and the bees.

I'm from New Jersey. See, I moved

to Houston six years ago.

Texas suits my style.

Every schoolboy in the state knows about

it. Most of the politicians have slept there.

The mayor and the people of my county

want to keep things just the way they are.

Hm. You know somethin', Sheriff.

It just struck me.

- We are in the same profession.

- What's that?

Law enforcement. I'm out there fightin'

for the rights of the public, just like you.

Both of us are trying to protect the public.

You in the old way and me in the new.

- The new?

- Television.

I'm the electronic bounty hunter.

I use a camera. You use a gun.

Yeah. Melvin, everybody'd be happy

if you'd just drop the whole thing.

I mean, those ladies out there,

they perform a necessary function.

- Right or wrong...

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