The Best Man Page #3

of your little projects,

do me a favor.

What would that be, Shelby?

Don't.

Julian, honey, drive

me to Saks, would you?

I can't decide on what I

should wear for the wedding.

I thought

you were wearing...

No, no.

I decided against that.

Urn...

I thought I told you

I had plans.

Plans?

What kind of plans?

I told you I'm hanging out

with the guys tonight.

Oh, honey, that can wait.

You have all weekend for that.

This'll only take a few hours.

Come on.

Urn...

Oh. I see.

It's "Gang up on Shelby" day.

Fine.

If you'd rather be with

them than me, that's fine.

Here it comes.

Am I being that unreasonable?

No.

Honey, no.

No, no. I'm sorry.

Murch, we'll catch up

with you later, man.

Yeah,

I'll see you guys later.

Baby, you're the best.

She be giving him drama.

Seven years

of the same old sh*t.

She makes it

hard for sisters.

I know she gotta

have a LoJack on him.

Harper!

I'm watching you.

Damn, Lance.

That contract is fat, huh?

Obese, player.

Hey, now.

Hey!

Hey, mama.

Come here.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

How are you? I'm good. You

look really great, girl.

So do you. Damn, baby,

how can you tell?

You got the boy all

hemmed up and sh*t.

Lance, shut up. Don't pay

him any mind, Harper.

I won't.

I don't see why you

love this fool so much.

He ain't sh*t.

You ain't sh*t, dawg.

Aw, it's because

he's a true friend.

And he dedicated

his first novel to us.

Hmm, so you read my book, too.

No,

but I heard great things.

Oh, that's good.

When's that girlfriend of yours coming?

I can't wait to meet her.

You've been keeping

this one under wraps.

And for good reason.

Bringing her around y'all

might taint her image of me.

She's coming on Sunday.

You're always so secretive,

Harper.

Oh, no! Look at

the size of this rock, girl!

I'm gonna go blind

just looking at it.

She's got to do finger curls

just to hold that mug up.

Stop it, y'all.

Don't be jelly.

Nothing's too good

for my little Mia.

I love you, baby.

I love you, too.

Aw, damn. Would you cut it out

with that Leave It To Beaver sh*t?

What happened, Mia? You called me earlier.

What happened?

Oh, girl,

the caterer's tripping,

the florist screwed up

the order

and Mama still hasn't

found a dress.

Girlfriend, don't worry about it.

Superwoman is here.

All right.

Let's go.

Y'all hurry. We ain't got all night.

Got men stuff to do, right?

Lance, go away. Show Harper

the rest of the house.

Come on, cat.

All right, man.

It's great to see you,

Harper.

You, too, sweetie.

This is where we're gonna put

the big screen with that DVD system.

Yeah, front page, kid.

We were gonna use the one with

you dragging those five dudes

over the goal line, but we

thought this told it all.

I'm surprised you

took the holy road, bro.

You're not the most

spiritual person I know.

You know I'm not into that mess.

It's just about the story.

Someday you're gonna believe

in my God, bro. Our God.

Whatever, man.

What's up?

You got to tell me, man.

What happened in Pittsburgh?

Dawg, twins. Two sets.

Shut up.

Oh, yes. They were waiting for

me in the hotel room, right?

This agent sent them. They had these

big-ass titties, like punching bags.

Four of them?

Four was nice.

It was nice.

Praise the Lord

and pass the panties.

Words to live by, dawg.

Harper?

I'm sorry. I don't mean to

interrupt, but here are the ads.

And I even convinced

Friday's to place one,

provided that they get the one

next to Lance Sullivan's photo.

You got Friday's. Cool. Okay.

Thank you. Thank you, Mia.

Oh, pardon me.

I'm Mia Morgan.

The pleasure's all mine,

baby.

How nice.

But what is your name?

This is Lance Sullivan.

Oh, you're Lance Sullivan!

I apologize.

I didn't recognize you.

You look much bigger

on television.

Um, Harper,

I gotta get to Econ,

but I can take those deposits

to the bank if you want.

Thank you, Mia.

Oh, that was

a great game on Saturday.

Okay.

So, you've seen me play.

I love the game.

She's seen me play.

I think that

you'd get more yardage

if you used

your offensive line more.

And you would want to stop

planting so hard on turf.

Your knees won't last through

junior year if you keep that up.

Uh...

Just think about it.

- Okay. See you.

- Bye, Mia.

Uh-uh-uh. Who is that?

Is that you, player?

No, man.

We're just friends.

Word has it,

she's saving it.

A virgin?

Yeah, man.

Really, man?

You got to hook me!

Oh, hell, no.

Oh, hell, yes.

She's a good girl. She comes to

work on time, she's dependable. No.

Come on, Harper.

She could be Mrs. Sullivan.

So could those four

freaks from Pittsburgh

with the saddle-back titties,

bionic dick.

I got you. I got you.

You gonna pay for that though.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

There you go.

We'll let the station

buy us lunch tomorrow.

I'll pick you up

around 11:
00.

Splendid, Ms. Armstrong. That

fits very well into my schedule.

I'll call to confirm.

So, what, a sister

can't be professional?

Here we go. I guess

some things just never change.

Change is overrated, Harper.

All you had to do was ask me

for a copy of my book.

What for? You wouldn't

have given it to me.

True. But at least I would have

known that you were interested.

Don't play yourself, Harper.

I want the exclusive, okay? You can

save the sloppy seconds for Oprah.

If that's the case, how come you

can't look at me in my face?

Harper, Why'd you really leave

your girl at home this weekend?

'Cause I wanted to hang out with the guys.

You know, cut up with the boys

before she came, that's all.

It's been a while. You know?

Mmm-hmm.

Good night, Harper.

Damn.

Come on, Harp! Let's go!

I'm about to run a Boston on you n*ggers.

Y'all about to be set.

Do you always have to talk trash?

Come on. It's just a game.

That's what all

punk-ass losers say.

Easy, Mojo,

leave the boy alone.

"Mojo." I haven't

heard that in a clip.

"Mo" to the "jo."

That's what I'll be putting on

my ladies when I do my thing.

Got them

turned the hell out.

They be making breakfast for

this fool, buying him jewelry.

Then they try

to figure out why,

'cause they really

hate his yellow ass.

Then he drops them

like a bad habit.

Hold up, man.

I know damn well

you ain't talking

about a n*gger

leaving a ho strung out.

Yeah, that is true, player.

You are the serial monogamist.

What? Serial what?

Yes.

N*gger, you be

having these girlfriends.

Better yet, these jive-ass

public relationships.

Talking about,

"This is my queen" and sh*t.

And the first moment

that she steps out

of your little boundary,

she's gone.

Dismissed with the quicks.

That's because none of them have

ever measured up to Jordan.

Oh!

Excellent point,

Counsel Murchison.

There it is right there.

Sustained.

- Get out of here!

- You know that's true.

Jordan's the best girlfriend

you never had.

Wait. Did you guys know

that they kissed in undergrad?

Up in the newsroom.

I remember that sh*t.

You knew about that?

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