The Best Man Page #4

Yeah, we knew about that sh*t.

N*gger, you know damn well

you can't keep a secret.

That is so messed up.

Come on, man.

Is that the case there, bro?

You waiting for Jordan to slow

down from that career path

for the Harper Stewart

rest stop?

You're tripping.

Let's play the game.

I still can't believe

you ain't never hit that.

Ah, me, neither.

Hey, y'all, I'm in a very

fulfilling relationship, okay?

A virtually drama-free

two years tomorrow. Okay?

That's right. She's a

stand-up comic, right?

No, no. She makes jewelry.

No, she is a teacher.

She is a caterer,

God damn it!

For the last time.

It took her a while to find her creative niche.

She found it. She's a caterer.

I can definitely

relate to that one.

But she still don't

sound like Jordan.

That's 'cause she ain't Jordan.

She's Robin.

Man,

I'm glad she ain't Jordan.

Why you say that?

Jordan's too damn sassy

and independent.

And she might make more cheese

than you someday, bro.

Yeah? And?

I love Jordan.

You know that, right?

But let's face it, dawg. A woman

like that don't need no man.

She's one step from lesbian.

Ooh!

No, hold on.

That's a nice thought.

All I'm saying is that the

only way a relationship works

is if the man

provides the loot

and the woman

takes care of the home.

You're talking like you're from the Stone Age.

You're a caveman.

- Just admit it, man.

- Isn't that ironic though?

Brothers are always talking

about gold diggers,

yet you can't take an educated

sister who makes more money?

No, I can't.

Murch,

we know you don't care.

Your woman gonna run

your ass regardless.

Bite it, Spivey.

Okay? Bite it.

Grow it, Murchie.

When me and Mia get married,

man, her only job's gonna be

being my wife and

raising our kids.

She's gonna be content with that?

Are you kidding?

Mia's straight-up old school.

She can't wait to drop

this mandingo's babies.

Consummate mother-whore.

Word is bond, dawg.

Word is bond.

Every man wants one.

Right.

Let me ask

you a question, man.

What's that?

What made you decide to just

up and get married now?

'Cause you been dipping out on

Mia, no offense, for a while.

- And with the new contract...

- Oh, yes.

You're gonna need

a catcher's mitt to catch

all that new p*ssy

coming your way.

I done had all the ass 10 men can have.

My wild oats are sown.

Besides, how much ass

can one man have anyway?

A lot.

It's just time.

Marriage is sacred. My folks

have been together 35 years.

It means something to me.

I hear that.

Besides, marriage is gonna curb

that appetite for more women.

In case y'all didn't know, marriage

is the cure to promiscuity.

In what world?

I can't believe

you said that, man.

God damn, Lance.

You would have never known that

you graduated summa cum laude.

You say some dumb-ass sh*t.

Ah, there's a time

for everything, players.

We're in the real world now,

man.

The real world.

Real things.

Bang.

I don't give a damn

what y'all say.

Ain't nothing natural

about no monogamy.

God did not intend for us

to be with just one person.

If he had, he wouldn't have

given us all this sperm.

These b*tches would not outnumber

us the way that they do.

Okay, okay.

Are you

a philosophy major now?

He is a bullshit artist.

Thank you.

What, n*gger?

F*** y'all, man.

Y'all know as well as I do,

ain't nothing better

than some p*ssy,

except some new p*ssy.

He's got a point there.

Plus, you can't trust

these b*tches anyway.

They just as scandalous

as us n*ggers.

Oh, not all women, player.

Not all women.

Oh, so, you don't think that

Mia's ever got with other dudes?

I'm the first,

the last and the only.

Really?

Really.

How do you know this?

'Cause the p*ssy curves to my dick.

That's how I know.

Besides,

I know my little angel, man.

You mean to tell me

with all the sticking

and moving

that you've done,

you don't think that Mia's ever

tippy-toed out the door on you once?

No.

Quentin, just play.

If she did go out and

get a little swerve on,

don't you think she'd be

well within her rights?

It's karma, baby.

Gotta take a piss.

Why did you

have to do that?

Whose hand is it?

Honestly, have you

ever fooled around with a girl?

What do you mean?

Yes, you have.

That night I met you,

you was talking...

Hold on a second.

What's up?

The book. I don't know, man.

I'm talking.

Go on, man.

It's in there.

Yeah, I'm back.

You didn't mess

around with a girl.

Ever mess around

with two guys at once?

Not even in high school?

Phew. Here we go.

Yo! You best get

your own copy, player.

I was just feeling a little

overprotective of my stuff.

It's too late for that. I

cannot wait to read this mug.

I know it's gonna be tight.

Well, you know...

Help yourself, man.

Look at you, man. You know

you're blessed, right?

The Lord is

smiling on you, bro.

Lance, dead that, man.

I make it happen.

Not some heavenly being

in the clouds possessing me.

Know what I'm saying? Me.

You're ignorant.

You know that, dawg?

How do you think we're as

fortunate as we are, man?

Any one of us.

We could be poor,

homeless, out on

the street with nothing.

Lance, tuxedo fitting tomorrow?

Yeah, man. We gotta

push it back till 5:00

'cause Mia's got a laundry list

of things for this brother.

Actually that's cool, 'cause I'm

supposed to link up with Jordan.

That's right. Jordan.

I saw how she was

looking at you tonight, bro.

What, man? What did you see?

I saw that she wants

to get with you, player.

Whatever, man.

Yeah. "Whatever, man." You'll be

smacking bellies this weekend.

What happened to

that talk about fidelity

and putting an end

to promiscuity?

Come on, man. I was talking about me.

That don't apply to you.

Look here, man.

You got your girl,

and y'all doing

that relationship thing,

and that's cool.

Bu? Harp, YOU my boy, right?

MY man. my ace!

Jordan is fine, dawg.

So for once in your life

go ahead on and

be a dog, dawg.

I'm getting a headache. Oh, now

you're getting a headache.

Later, man.

All right.

All right, Murch, man.

Coming, dear.

Hmm, that's not the

worst thing in the world.

They were gonna

read it anyway, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I just didn't think that they

would take it so literally.

I'm sure it'll be fine, baby.

Hey. I'm glad you called me.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. You're right.

It'll be okay.

Listen, did you

figure out what you're

gonna be wearing

to the wedding?

Not yet.

How about that little

beige number you got?

Strapless?

Harper, I know how to

dress for a wedding.

It's under control.

Okay. That's cool.

I'm not trying to...

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God,

look at the time.

I gotta get out of here.

Okay. I love you.

What?

I said, "I love you."

Uh...

I gotta go.

So, I'll see you, baby. Okay?

Morning.

Good morning.

I'm gonna be a second.

I'm gonna be a second.

Chop-chop. Time is money.

Okay.

Nice boxers.

I thought you were

strictly a briefs man.

They were a gift from Robin.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes