The Best Man Page #5

The girl's got taste, huh?

What about you? You got

any social life going on?

No, not really.

My professional

and personal life,

they cross over so much

I don't know where

to draw the line anymore.

But I'm fine with that, because

sacrifice is the name of the game.

You can't let

work consume you.

What?

Please, Harper. That doesn't

even sound like you.

Maybe I'm maturing.

No. Maybe you're

full of sh*t.

I know how badly you want

that limelight. I see it.

I recognize it in myself.

And besides,

you made that

painfully obvious

in your depiction

of Kendall.

I call it like I see it.

Then you must not

see yourself too well,

Jackson, because you

are exactly the same.

Two peas in a pod, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

You know, your girl, she must

be real patient or real dumb.

Robin deals with it.

She understands

that I had dreams

in my life way before

I had thoughts of her.

She is starting

to get that itch though.

Ooh.

The "M" word, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

You got a problem

with that?

I mean, yeah!

Marriage, you know.

Moving in together.

The last person you

ever have sex with. Ever.

That's pretty deep.

At least you're getting

some on the regular.

What?

You ain't getting none?

Jordan!

Listen,

six months and counting.

And longer than that, if

you're talking about good sex.

You know what they say,

all work and no play makes...

Jordan a horny nut basket.

Okay. I'm gonna go with the pasta

bowls with the serving utensils.

Okay.

Thank you. Right?

Good choice.

Have you ever had Mia's shrimp

scampi with the linguini?

Yes, it is a bomb.

She used to cook at the drop of a

hat, and good stuff, too. Remember?

Oh, hell, yeah.

Girlfriend can throw it out.

Oh, that she does.

Little Mia.

Yeah, that

girl's got talent.

Oh, my God!

What's wrong with you?

You scandalous dog.

Jordan.

Oh, Harper,

don't walk away from me.

This whole thing,

it makes perfect sense.

Do you take Visa?

Yes, sir.

We just switched places.

Mia's Kacey, you're

Jackson and I'm Kendall.

You're bugging

the f*** out.

I'm Kendall.

Jackson sexes me crazy. Except you

and I, we never actually had sex.

And all Kacey and Jackson do is

sleep in the same bed together,

like you and I used

to do all the time.

The pressures of this wedding

are getting to you.

Oh, my God! The forehead kiss.

That is a dead giveaway.

What are you talking about,

forehead kiss?

The forehead kiss!

It's endearing.

Sh*t, it's damn near erotic!

You almost got me with it.

It's...

It's bullshit, okay?

We're talking about

fictitious accounts

of experiences that

I've gone through,

friends that I've known.

Ooh!

What? Now what?

You actually dedicated

that book to them?

Harper, are you crazy?

Do you want to be found out?

Harper, that is sick!

You're right, okay?

Because what you're suggesting to

me is sick and ludicrous. Okay?

So take a step back,

use your head and think.

If Lance finds out

what went down,

you better use

your feet and run.

That's cute. First off,

you need a sedative.

All right?

Secondly, Lance has got

a million important

things to do

to keep his mind

from wandering

on outlandish flights of fancy

from my little book.

As a matter of fact,

he won't have time to read it.

"White boys admired his

prowess on the hardwood

"and his reputation

with the ladies.

"They secretly deemed him

'The Ebony Humper."'

This joint is hilarious, boy!

Whoo! Oh, man.

I'm gonna see you

at the church.

I see you've been reading.

Yeah, man, I've been reading.

That's funny. I figured you

wouldn't have enough time.

Me neither, man.

I had insomnia last night

and, player,

lam on edge, man.

Quentin's right. It's a

page-turner like a mug, man.

Quentin said that?

Yeah. You know what?

It's a good thing you changed

this dude to a hoop star, man.

I'll have to disassociate myself from this sh*t.

This dude banged many ho's.

You know what?

I'm flattered, right,

but was I really that bad?

Yeah, you were.

You're right. I can't deny it.

Oh, man!

Harp, open up, man!

What's up, man? I need your help, man.

I need your help.

I've called her, man. I haven't

talked to her in a week.

I went by her house,

she wasn't there.

Lance, Lance, Lance.

Okay, she's just upset.

I know she's upset.

Especially when she found out about

those honeys at the Cotton Bowl.

I know! I know! Damn it!

Lord, please forgive me

and my wayward dick.

What the f*** is

wrong with you?

I got to make

this right, Harp.

I cannot lose her over

this foolishness, man.

I love her, and I am so sorry

for what happened, man.

I'm sorry.

Then just say that, man.

Say it. Tell her.

Just tell her, "I'm sorry."

Yeah.

Isaiah 1:
18?

Oh, Lance, man, you know I can't

get down with the religion.

All right.

1:
18.

1:
18.

Okay. "'Come, let's talk

this over,' says the Lord."

Ow, ow. My hand.

Uh. "No matter how deep

the strain of your sins

"I can take it out and

make you as clean as..."

"The freshly fallen snow." Yes,

Lord, please take it away, Lord.

41:
13, Harp.

Quentin, look, I think if you

just try to read some of it...

I'm reading right now. Quentin.

I'm reading.

Quentin.

I'm reading,

baby.

- Thank you so much.

- Bye. See you.

I know what

you're gonna say, man.

They were throwing their panties

at you Teddy Pendergrass style.

You better take notes,

player.

You're gonna have to beat random

honeys off with a stick soon.

Who, Harp?

Hell, no.

Hell, yeah. Once he does

Oprah, man, it's gonna be on.

Harp ain't gonna never have to

work for the quality ass again.

Panties gonna drop without coercion,

cuddling, caressing, or...

Or what?

Or kissing them on the

forehead to get them moist.

What?

Harp be kissing the babes on the forehead.

Panties drop with the quicks.

Is that true?

No, man.

It doesn't work that way.

I never did it to get ass.

Bullshit, n*gger.

You ain't slick.

Yeah, n*gger, you ain't slick.

Another secret,

huh, Harper?

Honeys love that sensitive, paternal tender stuff.

Mia's the same way.

Oh, Mia, too, huh?

Here it is,

right here.

I tried that sh*t one time.

It didn't work for me.

I guess I ain't as authentic

as old Harp here.

So?

So, what?

"So, what?" Mia.

Jordan,

good girls never tell.

B*tch, don't make me hurt you.

What?

What we shared was

as sweet and as endearing

as a forehead kiss.

It was what I needed.

It was what I wanted.

He was a gentleman

and a friend.

And I will always

love him for that.

It's just tight.

That's cause bohos

like you was never

meant to wear fine

European tuxedos.

Now, a handsome gentleman

player like myself,

I'm gonna pimp

this baby right here.

You know, I have my own style.

Never mind.

Yeah.

What's up, dude?

Mojo's on the prowl again, huh?

Yeah, see, you don't stop till

the panties come tumbling down.

You know how many single

honeys be at weddings?

There's about to be a

"hoasis" in that baby, honey.

That's funny. If you put half the

effort into your future as you do...

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