The Big Broadcast of 1938 Page #4

My brother's yacht.

We are sinking.

They're stinking. They're

drinking evidently.

69 degrees, the Tropic of

Capricorn, 45 degrees west.

38 degrees and 14

minutes north.

Never mind the arithmetic.

Tell 'em where we are.

My daughter's own voice.

My little Jonah.

Mr. Brook, we're

changing course.

Set lookouts. A human

life is at stake.

My daughter cannot be

described as human.

Wherever she goes,

disaster follows.

Have you any proof your daughter causes

disasters? She's an unfortunate girl.

Seven years ago, she crashed an

airplane in a mirror factory.

Broke 9,831 mirrors.

Point three, port, point five.

Point three, port, point five.

Point wherever you want to.

I'm going up here.

We are making a left turn. Why didn't

you say so? I'll put my hand out.

Go ahead, boys, we'll

pass on the other side.

Heigh ho...

It's all black here.

Ah, move over to one side. You in the

habit of standing before a mariner...

when he's looking through

his barnacle... monocle?

- Looks like a sea serpent.

- That's what I thought. Gimme that.

Just relax. I saw

it all the time.

Inhale. You're going too fast.

Look! Look! A boat!

We're saved! I told you my

luck's changed. We're saved! Yahoo!

Never a dull moment.

Here they are, folks. Martha Bellows

and her shipwrecked party...

are coming up the

side of the Gigantic.

Martha's rescue by her father's ship

proves even to us who can see him...

that Mr. Bellows

is almost human.

What a moment, for a father

to snatch his daughter from

the gripping jaws of death.

Why, hello, Pappy.

Where you been?

Quiet, frog-mouth. I'm

on a secret mission.

Where'd you get the pickaninny? Oh,

it's just a little thing I dreamed up.

Can't be your child. It's got whiskers,

and it smells like an old gum boot.

Miss Bellows, the Gigantic is

honored to have rescued you. Oh.

The captain doesn't know what boat

he's on. This is the Colossal.

Quiet, scum! I know

what boat I'm on.

- But, Mr. Bellows, you can see for

yourself. - The boat's all wrong.

Can't read that. They put

the letters on upside down.

I can assure you

it's the Gigantic.

Great Caesar's goat... ghost!

T.F.'s own boat. Throw her

overboard before we sink.

But you can't throw your own

daughter overboard. Why not?

Let the sharks protect

themselves. But, Daddy,

you don't understand. My

seven years' bad luck's up.

I take no chances. Don't

look in that mirror!

Don't look in the

mirror, Martha.

And she broke 9,000 of 'em!

Hey, where've you been?

Hey, boss, here are the records.

Oh, that's swell, Mike.

Hey, maybe we can glue 'em together.

Maybe we can glue 'em together.

- Well, that's that.

- Are you upset?

What have I got to

be upset about?

I'm in the process

of losin' $50,000...

and a boat that would need a

handicap against a lame sardine.

I go on the air in two minutes, and

none of my performers will perform...

because you talked out of turn.

All I said...

was that you were losing $50,000 on

the race. And what did they say?

They said you didn't

have $50,000.

Oh, they did, eh? And what did

you say? I stuck up for you.

I said you had more than $50,000... ten

dollars of your own, and their salaries.

And what d... Their salaries!

Oh, never mind. Look, take

this portable mike...

and go around the ship and

see if you can pick up something

from the passengers.

I'll vamp till you're ready.

Pick up the passengers?

Yeah... go away, go away.

Ladies and gentlemen, in just a few

moments, we start our daily broadcast.

I want you folks to relax

and have a good time.

We have quite a few jokes here on the

program, uh, I think you'll enjoy.

There's one here about

a little schoolboy...

that used to take a big

apple to the teacher,

and now he takes the

teacher to the Big Apple.

That's the first joke. I

thought you'd like...

Big Apple's a dance.

Let's try another one. It seems there

were two fliers in an airplane.

And one flier did

a loop-to-loop,

and the other flier fell out.

So the first flier looked down,

and he said, "Pardon me."

Pardon me. Yeah,

that's what he said.

Well, how do you do.

Could you please tell me where

they have the entertainment?

The entertainment? Yes. You go

right down the hall, and you m...

This is the entertainment. This is where

the broadcast takes place, right here.

Oh, well, I'm Honey Chile.

I'd like to help you out.

Well, I don't need much help,

but, uh... what can you do?

Well, I'd like to sing. I want

to be a singer in the worst way.

Mm-hmm. Probably will be. What kind

of a voice have you got anyway?

Yeah, but when I sing, I cry.

When you sing, you cry?

Well, uh, why do you cry?

'Cause I can't sing.

Oh, well, that's grand.

We won't bother with that then.

I have another little joke

that I think you may...

But I want to sing "Way

Down South in Dixie."

You want to sing "Way Down South in

Dixie"? What time's your bus leave?

I want to sing it right now.

Well, you go ahead and sing.

Step right up. I'll stand over here

so they won't think I'm beating you.

Way down south in

the land of cotton

Old folks there

are not forgotten

Look away, look away

look away, look away

Go ahead. We're still safe.

Oh I wish I was

in Dixie So do I

So you want to help me out. Why

did you decide on helping me out?

Well, you see, I had a

fight with my folks,

- and I want to do somethin'

to disgrace them.

Well, you probably

came to the right guy.

I think this audience would appreciate

something of a legitimate nature.

Do you do any dramatics? Oh,

sure, I can handle that junk.

Oh, you do that

legitimate trash, eh?

You haven't got a piece of Claudette

Colbert hanging around, do you?

Oh, yes, I have a little playlet.

I play all the characters myself.

You play all the characters yourself.

I play all the characters myself.

Is there an echo in here? Well, what

is that like? Well, I'll explain.

This is the villain, this is the

heroine and this is the hero.

You play all those yourself.

Mm-hmm.

That's a nice, small cast. Let's see

that. We'd like to see that.

Is that part of the play? Yeah,

that's the curtain goin' up.

Heh, heh. Ahem.

Come, pay the rent.

Come, pay the rent!

But I can't pay the rent.

I can't pay the rent!

Come, pay the rent.

Come, pay the rent!

But I can't pay the rent.

I can't pay the rent!

I'll pay the rent.

I'll pay the rent.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

You took the words

right out of my heart

And it was like a

bolt from the blue

You took the words

right out of my heart

When you said I love you

And then there's the one about the

fellow that went to the dentist.

He only had a dollar, so

they gave him buck teeth.

Please don't cry

Ah, wait a minute.

Here it is. For I

felt that way too

It's Dorothy Wyndham

by remote control,

caught unawares, and that's no

joke. The moment I saw you smile

I had the words and

you in my heart

There wasn't room

enough for the two

You took the words

right out of my heart

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