The Big Gay Musical

Do I look fat?

I'm serious.

Do l?

Yes.

Yes, you look fat.

As big as a house.

I cannot believe you just said that.

And here I am, carrying your baby.

How do I know it's my baby?

Do you know what your problem is?

You've got a chip on your shoulder.

Yes.

Just can't.

And it's as big as a boulder.

I can't take it.

I can't take it, excuse me.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Sir, are you okay?

Is there anything you need?

Yes.

I need a musical.

A BlG

GAY:

MUSlCAL!

I love being OFF Broadway!

Ladies and gentleman,

welcome to the first preview

of "Adam and Steve -

Just the Way God Made 'Em."

Before the show begins,

we need to let you know that

the show was rated "FLAMlNG"

by the Coalition of Christians.

But that doesn't mean it's

about homosexuals.

It just means, that if

you enjoy this show,

you'll end up burning in

hell, right next to us.

[Applause]

Hi!

I'm Adam.

And I'm his husband, Steven.

And this is our story.

In the beginning,

God created the Heavens and the Earth.

Wait a minute!

That's not how it's supposed to begin.

You grabbed the wrong book.

Sorry.

In the beginning,

God was... bored.

He was all alone in the universe,

and the thought of

being alone forever bothered Him.

He realized what he needed were

beautiful beings to entertain Him.

So, God created the angels.

And they were hot.

Each angel was hot...

and sexy...

and male.

God loved the angels, but soon

realized that He wanted more.

So, God created the Earth.

? He made the Earth full

ofbeauty and wonder. ?

? He made the skyfull

of stars like no one could. ?

? He made the oceans

and rivers and mountains. ?

? And He knew ?

? it was good. ?

? One day God came down to Earth

and summoned all His might. ?

? He took one look at

the darkness and said ?

Why the f*** is it

so dark down here?

Oh, that's better.

Aren 't they great?

Let's show 'em angels!

? It's God.

He's the one creator. ?

? It's God.

He's the entertainer. ?

? It's God.

He's the great orator. ?

? It's God.

He's the mastur... ?

[Gasp]

What?

He is the master.

? I am God. ?

? I created the plants

and the trees. ?

? I made all the animals -

the birds and the bees. ?

? I made everything that you see, ?

? but none of it satisfied me. ?

? I needed interaction and drama. ?

? I needed something

entertaining to see. ?

? I loved all the stuff

that I created, ?

? but it's like a nature show on TV.. ?

So God created a man.

Adam was just what God wanted.

A man to do the gardening,

take care of the animals.

But, Adam was lonely.

And, God wasn't very fond of what

Adam was doing with the animals.

[Baa...]

So God created Eve, a woman for Adam.

And they were happy.

For a while.

You couldn't even make

me something to eat?

Don't you start with me!

But the sh*t hit the fan when

they ate God's favorite fruit.

Here!

Eat this.

Jesus Christ!

Yes daddy?

Nothing.

Go back to bed.

It wasn't my fault. I swear.

It was a serpent.

Yeah, a serpent.

? And so I threw them both

out of my garden. ?

? What else was there for me to do? ?

? But then the garden

just seemed so empty, ?

? and I was depressed

and I was so blue. ?

Hey God.

Why don 't you try two men?

What the hell!

Let's try it!

? I made another Adam for my garden, ?

? but I didn't make another Eve. ?

? I made another man

a bit more sensitive, ?

? and I called him Steve! ?

? And that is how it all began, ?

? the story of Adam and Steve. ?

? Though it's not written

in the Bible, ?

? it's the truth from

above so believe. ?

? And now here's Adam and Steve. ?

? God bless Adam and Steve. ?

Just the way I made 'em!

Really good show guys.

Yeah, for a first preview, it

was actually pretty good.

Where are you rushing off to?

I don't do stage doors.

What do you mean?

There's nothing I hate more than

people at the stage door.

They feel like they have to

tell you how good you are.

It's fake and awkward

and I just don't do it.

Oh look, Patti LuPone.

Do you always beat

the audience?

So far so good.

What about your fans?

My "fans"?

Yeah right.

Oh, I'm working at

'Mostly Sondheim' later,

so if you wanna stop by, let me know.

I cant wait to hear some fat

guy singing "All that Jazz."

Or some flamer singing "And

I am telling you, Sophie."

Show tunes and booze kids.

That's what keeps me happy.

I'll see you guys later.

Yeah later.

Oh, I'm sorry!

No problem.

See you tomorrow.

Hey babe.

Great first preview.

See you soon.

Smiley face.

We are so proud ofyou.

You're gonna be such a

big starin New York City.

It's just Off-Broadway.

Just Off-Broadway?

People would sell their souls

to be starring in an Off-Broadway

show, and don't you forget it.

We just wanted to call and tell

you how proud we are of you.

And congratulations.

Thank you.

We have a surprise foryou.

We're coming to your

opening night.

Hey, we weren't going to

miss your big night, huh?

Hey, we've been to all the others.

How could we miss your first

New York City opening night?

The first of many.

Oh, great!

Hey, we should let you go

and enjoy your success.

Oh yeah, God bless.

We love you honey.

God bless.

I love you too.

Hi everyone.

Welcome to 'Mostly Sondheim!'

We have one hell of a crowd here.

'Mostly Sondheim' is like

an open mic night for show tunes.

Every song you sing has

to be from a show

or from a songwriter that

has written a show.

Oh, actually you can

sing whatever you want

if you tip twenty dollars.

We don 't care.

And I couldn't imagine beginning

Mostly Sondheim

without hearing my gorgeous co-host,

Kate Pazakis' gregarious,

fabulous vocal chords.

Gregarious?

I don't know. I just

made up the word.

So, hit it Jack! And

don't forget to tip.

? Fridaynight. ?

? I spend the whole week

waiting for Friday night. ?

? Anticipating all the

lonely hearts. ?

? We all play parts on Friday night. ?

? 'Cause that's when

the party starts! ?

? And the party isn 't

over 'til the bar runs dry, ?

? and the next one too,

where you catch my eye. ?

? No the party isn 't over 'til we

hail a cab and I go home with you. ?

? See, the party isn't

over 'til I've seen your face. ?

? And I know it's you,

from outer space! ?

? And the party isn 't

over 'til I find the one. ?

? 'Til I fall in love with you! ?

Alright!

Well, it's four AM, and you know

what that means, folks!

You 're gonna finally play

some f***ing Sondheim?

No, it means you have to go home

and don't forget to tip!

'Mostly Sondheim' my ass!

They should call it

'Mostly Jason Robert Brown.'

Goodnight everybody.

Get home safe!

Goodnight!

You're ready to go?

I'm ready for a lot of things.

Hmm, I like the way that sounds.

Look!

The homosexuals lifestyle is the

biggest threat our nation has,

even more so than terrorism.

And they call themselves Christians.

Didn't Jesus say

"Do to your neighbors as you

would have them do unto you"?

Well, that sounds

like a good philosophy.

Wait!

What?

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