The Big Kahuna Page #9

I wouldn't let wipe my dog's ass.

Others I can take or leave.

They don't matter to me.

But Larry matters

very much,

the reason being...

I can trust him.

I know I can trust him.

He's honest.

Is he honest,

or is he just blunt?

He's honest, Bob.

He's blunt as well.

That sometimes

is part of being honest,

because there are a lot of people

who are blunt but not honest.

Larry is not one of those.

Larry is an honest man.

You, too,

are an honest man.

I believe that somewhere

deep down inside of you...

is something that strives

to be honest.

The question that you

have to ask yourself...

is, "Has it touched

the whole of my life?"

What does that mean?

That means that you preaching Jesus

is no different...

than Larry or anybody else

preaching lubricants.

It doesn't matter whether you're

selling Jesus or Buddha...

or civil rights...

or how to make money in real estate

with no money down.

That doesn't make you

a human being.

It makes you

a marketing rep.

If you wanna talk

to somebody honestly,

as a human being,

ask him about his kids.

Find out what his dreams are,

Just to find out.

For no other reason.

Because as soon as you lay your hands

on a conversation,

to steer it,

it's not a conversation

anymore.

It's a pitch,

and you're not a human being.

You're a marketing rep.

Forgive me if I

respectfully disagree.

We were talking before

about... character.

You were asking me

about character.

We were speaking

of faces.

But the question

is much deeper than that.

The question is...

do you have

any character at all?

And if you want my honest opinion,

Bob, you do not,

for the simple reason...

that you don't regret

anything yet.

You're saying I won't have

any character...

unless I do something

I regret?

No, Bob.

I'm saying you've already done

plenty of things to regret.

You just don't know

what they are.

It's when you

discover them,

when you see the folly

in something you've done...

and you wish...

that you had it

to do over,

but you know you can't...

'cause it's too late.

So you pick that thing up

and you carry it with you...

to remind you

that life goes on.

The world will spin

without you.

You really don't matter

in the end.

Then you will attain

character.

Because honesty...

will reach out

from inside...

and tattoo itself

all across your face.

Until that day,

however,

you cannot expect to go

beyond a certain point.

May I go now?

Go ahead.

Thank you.

Good night.

Hello?

No, you just...

you just missed him.

What's that?

I love you too.

Yeah.

Enjoy the power and beauty

of your youth.

Oh, never mind.

You will not understand

the power and beauty of your youth...

until they've faded.

But trust me, in 20 years you'll look

back at photos of yourself...

and recall in a way

you can't grasp now...

how much possibility

lay before you...

and how fabulous

you really looked.

You are not as fat

as you imagine.

Don't worry

about the future,

or worry

but know that worrying...

is as effective as trying to solve

an algebra equation...

by chewing bubble gum.

The real troubles in your life

are apt to be things...

that never crossed

your worried mind,

the kind that blindsides you

at 4:
00 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day

that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless

with other people's hearts.

Don't put up with people

who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time

on jealousy.

Sometimes you're ahead.

Sometimes you're behind.

The race is long,

and in the end,

it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments

you receive.

Forget the insults.

If you succeed in doing this,

tell me how.

Keep your old love letters.

Throw away

your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know

what you want to do with your life.

The most interesting people

I know didn't know at 22...

what they wanted to do

with their lives.

Some of the most interesting

40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees.

You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry.

Maybe you won't.

Maybe you'll have children.

Maybe you won't.

Maybe you'll divorce at 40.

Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken

on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do,

don't congratulate yourself too much...

or berate yourself either.

Your choices are half chance.

So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body.

Use it every way you can.

Don't be afraid of it

or what other people think of it.

It's the greatest instrument

you'll ever own.

Dance,

even if you have nowhere to do it

but in your own living room.

Read the directions

even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines.

They will only

make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents.

You never know

when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings.

They're your best link to your past

and the people most likely...

to stick with you

in the future.

Understand that friends

come and go,

but with the precious few

you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps

in geography and lifestyle.

The older you get,

the more you need the people

you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once,

but leave before it makes you hard.

Life in Northern California

once,

but leave before

it makes you soft.

Travel.

Don't mess too much

with your hair...

or by the time you're 40,

it will look 85.

Be careful

whose advice you buy,

but be patient

with those who supply it.

Advice is a form

of nostalgia.

Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past

from the disposal,

wiping it off,

painting over the ugly parts...

and recycling it

for more than it's worth.

But trust me

on the sunscreen.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote