The Big Lebowski Page #12

WALTER:

(patronizing)

Okay Dude. Have it your way.

The Dude unclips the phone from the battery pack.

WALTER:

But they're amateurs.

The Dude glares at Walter. Into the phone:

DUDE:

Dude here.

VOICE:

Okay, vee proceed. But only if there

is no funny stuff.

DUDE:

Yeah.

VOICE:

So no funny stuff. Okay?

DUDE:

Hey, just tell me where the f*** you

want us to go.

A HIGHWAY SIGN:
SIMI VALLEY ROAD

It flashes by in the headlights of the roaring car.

DUDE:

That was the sign.

Walter wrestles the car onto the two-lane road.

WALTER:

Yeah. So as long as we get her back,

nobody's in a position to complain.

And we keep the baksheesh.

DUDE:

Terrific, Walter. But you haven't

told me how we get her back. Where

is she?

WALTER:

That's the simple part, Dude. When

we make the handoff, I grab the guy

and beat it out of him.

He looks at the Dude.

WALTER:

...Huh?

DUDE:

Yeah. That's a great plan, Walter.

That's f***ing ingenious, if I

understand it correctly. That's a

Swiss f***ing watch.

WALTER:

Thaaat's right, Dude. The beauty of

this is its simplicity. If the plan

gets too complex something always

goes wrong. If there's one thing I

learned in Nam--

The phone chirps.

DUDE:

Dude.

VOICE:

You are approaching a vooden britch.

When you cross it you srow ze bag

from ze left vindow of ze moving

kar. Do not slow down. Vee vatch

you.

Click. Dial tone.

DUDE:

F***.

WALTER:

What'd he say? Where's the hand-

off?

DUDE:

There is no f***ing hand-off, Walter!

At a wooden bridge we throw the money

out of the car!

WALTER:

Huh?

DUDE:

We throw the money out of the moving

car!

Walter stares dumbly for a beat.

WALTER:

We can't do that, Dude. That fucks

up our plan.

DUDE:

Well call them up and explain it to

'em, Walter! Your plan is so f***ing

simple, I'm sure they'd f***ing

understand it! That's the beauty of

it Walter!

WALTER:

Wooden bridge, huh?

DUDE:

I'm throwing the money, Walter!

We're not f***ing around!

WALTER:

The bridge is coming up! Gimme the

ringer, Dude! Chop-chop!

DUDE:

F*** that! I love you, Walter, but

sooner or later you're gonna have to

face the fact that you're a goddamn

moron.

WALTER:

Okay, Dude. No time to argue. Here's

the bridge--

There is the bump and new steady of the car on the bridge.

The Dude is twisting around to pull the money briefcase from

the back seat. Walter reaches one arm across Dude's body to

grab the laundry.

And there goes the ringer.

He flings it out the window.

DUDE:

Walter!

WALTER:

Your wheel, Dude! I'm rolling out!

DUDE:

What the f***?

WALTER:

Your wheel! At fifteen em-pee-aitch

I roll out! I double back, grab one

of 'em and beat it out of him! The

uzi!

DUDE:

Uzi?

Walter points across the seat at the paper-wrapped bundle.

WALTER:

You didn't think I was rolling out

of here naked!

DUDE:

Walter, please--

Walter has flung open his door and is leaning halfway out

over the road.

WALTER:

Fifteen! This is it, Dude! Let's

take that hill!

Walter rolls out with his parcel, giving a loud grunt as he

hits the pavement. The car swerves and lurches and the Dude,

cursing, takes the wheel.

OUTSIDE:

Walter tumbles onto the shoulder and--RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!--muzzle

flashes tear open the wrapping paper.

INSIDE THE CAR:

The car rocks and the Dude wrestles with the wheel.

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