The Big Sick Page #2

my abilities at the moment.

F***. No.

What are these scars?

Oh, they're, uh,

smallpox vaccination.

I thought only old people

had those.

Well, I'm from Pakistan,

and we're still fighting

some battles

- you guys have already won.

What were you like

in high school?

Were you, like, super funny?

- And were you really smart?

Were you...

I was very shy.

They called me Chashmullee.

What is that?

It roughly translates

to "dweeb."

I'll show you a picture.

Of you in high school?

Oh, my god.

- Boom.

- No.

And I'm thinking

I'm killing it right now.

What inspired this haircut?

Hugh Grant.

- No.

- Yeah.

- Oh, no.

- Big fan.

And you're so serious, too.

Okay. I read in an interview

with Hugh Grant

- he said he doesn't smile.

- No. That's not real.

'Cause it makes his face

look fat, so I didn't...

I didn't smile in pictures

- for many years.

What were you like

in high school?

Um...

Were you, like, voted, like...

- Most sexy?

- No.

I was voted most noticeable.

That's good.

No, it's really not good.

I, uh, had acne and

I was a goth, and...

I had this terrible perm.

Um, yeah, the kids

called me Beetlejuice.

I don't know why.

Actually, I do know why.

It's because they thought

I looked like Beetlejuice.

I think I'm done

with this subject.

In fact,

I think I'm gonna go home.

Wait, wait.

We haven't even

had sex again yet.

Yeah, I'm just not

that kind of girl.

I only have sex once

on the first date.

- Wow.

- Plus a hand job.

Okay, well,

I haven't had that, so...

You don't get that

because you made fun of me.

What is happening?

What are you doing?

I'm changing under this blanket.

I've seen everything.

Do you remember?

We were just having sex.

Yeah, but we were,

like, in the throes of passion

then, and...

Listen, I had

a really nice time.

Thank you very much.

I'm just gonna, like,

call an Uber, go home,

and I hope...

- Just...

Your driver will be ready as

soon as he puts on his pants.

Were you available for rides

while we were f***ing?

Yeah, but I only looked

a couple times.

So, maybe I'll, uh, run

into you at the club sometime

and we can grab a drink?

Um, I'm not...

I know this sounds like a line,

but I'm not really, like,

I'm not really dating right now.

I just... I've got a lot

of school and work and...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- There's just a lot on my plate.

Yeah, no, I get it. Totally.

That's perfect 'cause I'm not...

Dating right now, either.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

And I actually have

a pretty strict two-day rule

where I can't see someone

more than two days in a row.

So, since we hung out

for two days,

even if I were to see you again,

which I won't 'cause

you're not dating,

I'm not dating,

I wouldn't be able

to see you till Monday.

We haven't hung out

for two days.

We've hung out

for about five hours.

- Yeah, but... -Just to,

like, be totally clear.

Yesterday and today

'cause it's after midnight.

So, today is actually tomorrow,

earlier tonight was yesterday,

so two days.

You see,

I don't date time nerds,

so that really takes you

off the table.

That works out

'cause I-i am

a hard-core time nerd.

- Yeah, I can tell.

- I'm, like, very strict

about a.M./p.M. Stuff and...

So, wait, so just to establish,

what did we decide?

We decided we aren't ever

gonna see each other again.

Great.

I'm glad we're on the same page.

Look at my jeans, Kumi.

They're from

citizens of humanity.

- That's the brand's name.

- Oh.

They're so soft. Touch them.

I don't want

to touch your jeans.

They're like sweatpants,

you know.

Come on, touch them.

- I'll touch them, Abbu.

You should be stylish

like your father, you know.

It's not very difficult.

Just observe me.

- Get some daddy style.

- Yeah.

Kumi, why don't you

grow a beard?

- Not like Naveed's, just a small one.

- Yeah.

Maybe like mine,

small, cool and stylish.

You know, why you don't

enroll for LSAT now?

Kumi, I've been thinking.

Yeah, sorry, ma,

I haven't done it yet.

I like that you bring it up

as if you've never

brought it up before.

How's the stand-up coming, bhai?

It's going fine. Thank you.

Yeah, since when

are you someone to stand up?

You know who I think

should stand up is Malala.

- She has something to say.

- Malala, yeah.

- Ooh, I love Malala. -She has

something to say. -Malala.

- Malala.

- She's... -Yes.

I know. She does open mics

and she crushes.

A lot of ethnic material,

which I think is a crutch,

and that one story gets

a lot of play, but...

- You should be on that show

Saturday night live. -Snl.

That's a great idea.

I should e-mail them.

I don't know why

I hadn't thought of that.

You know, you know, I-i hacked

into your cousin Rehan's

Facebook account.

- You hacked into it?

- Oh.

Yeah, they were not accepting

my friends request,

- so I had to hack into it,

- okay.

And I discovered that he

and that white woman

that he's living with

are having a baby.

- They're married.

- Yeah, whatever.

And then I hacked into Tumblr

and I discovered that

they have named the baby Da-v.

- Can you imagine?

- Dave.

- Dave? -Dave.

- It's probably Dave.

- Oh, oh, d-d-Dave, Dave.

- Nobody's name is da-v.

- It's very, very, very sad.

No one is going to visit

that baby and that baby,

mark my words,

will grow up without a family.

It's like he's dead or worse.

It is very sad. Kumi.

- Go and pray now so then we

can eat ice cream. Go. -What?

- Go. Please, go. -Yeah, yeah,

ma, I just need to finish.

Hurry up, bhai. Ice cream.

And then we'll eat ice cream.

Stop, stop.

Janamaz is downstairs. Go.

- Go.

- Stop.

What is this?

- I don't know, I think... -My

mother used to make best kulfi.

- You-you... your grandmother.

- Oh, yeah?

I think ice cream

is better than kulfi.

- Thank you.

- No, no, no.

- Oh. I wonder who that could be.

- Yeah.

Let me check. I don't know.

I'm guessing it's a young,

single Pakistani woman

who just happened

to be driving by our house,

which is on a cul-de-sac.

- Well...

- And I'm also guessing

that the phrase, "dropped in"

will be said

in the next ten seconds.

- Ten.

- Ten. Nine.

- Eight. Seven.

- Eight. Seven.

- Quiet.

- Everyone...

This is Zubeida.

- She just dropped in.

- Salaam.

Wa alaikum as-salaam.

- Come, please. Sit.

- Mm.

Oh, here, Kumail,

for your files...

Thank you.

- Your x-files because...

- Thank you.

That's your favorite show, huh?

Thank you so much.

"The truth is out there."

- Uh-huh.

- It's from the show.

Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Bye. -Bye.

- Yeah. I hope you come back.

- Bye.

Kumi, there's not just going

to be a magic spark, okay?

You have to work at it.

You have to stay open.

- Okay, ma. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Okay. Good.

I just wish you were

better at it, you know?

I mean, you've had so much

practice and you're still, like,

- you're not that good at it.

- Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

- Very funny. -Put your a-game

with Naveed, but then with me,

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote