The Big Sick Page #3

you're kind of just phoning it

in a little bit.

- Again with the comedy,

the comedy. -

all the time with the comedy.

Be serious sometimes.

I am serious.

I want to help you get better.

So, are you ever gonna

let me sit in the front seat?

No, I'm a professional

and you're paying for this ride.

I don't want to pay for this

ride. It's surging right now.

Yeah. Sorry.

You shouldn't have

typed in the number.

Okay, the year is 1969.

MGM has had

a string of failures,

so it turns to its most

bankable star, Vincent price.

Is this your compatibility test?

Like the way some people are

with Vonnegut or big Lebowski?

No, just watch the movie

and take it seriously

- because it's very serious.

- I'm gonna love it.

I love it when men

test me on my taste.

I just want to share

this movie with you,

- so I don't know why you're

reading into... -How many...

How many women have you

showed this movie to?

Zero.

How many women have you

shown a "b" horror movie to

on, like, a third date?

- This is not a "b" horror movie.

Okay, are you ready?

Just close your eyes

'cause when the menu comes on,

there's some spoilers

in the menu.

- Okay?

- I'm ready, I'm ready.

Okay, I'll hit play.

Okay, go.

Watch.

- I'm watching.

- Shh.

Watch this part.

- No.

- What?

- If you're tired, we can watch it later.

- Sorry.

Just have that weird, like,

yawning thing that happens

when you're watching

a really boring film.

It's not boring.

Just wait for it to kick in.

- The plot kicks in really soon.

- Okay.

Your loss. Nine times nine.

Nine killed you.

That was fun.

Uh, thanks for the ride home,

but we got to stop doing this.

- Yeah. -I know I've said that

before, but I really do mean it.

I can't be doing this right now.

I know, I know. Totally. 100%.

I agree with you.

- So don't call me again.

- I won't.

I promise.

Good luck on all

your future endeavors.

Oh, yeah, thank you.

Hey, can we have an awkward hug

before we part forever?

- Okay.

- Okay.

Uh...

- Bye.

- Bye.

Uh, you just promised never

to call me again, so...

It's really cold out here.

It's so cold.

You make a pretty good point.

It is a lot warmer in here.

It is warmer in here.

- You know, it's really nice upstairs.

- Is it?

Whoa. Whoa.

What are you doing? Okay.

Just trying to get comfy.

Oh, let me see.

Who could that be?

Oh, I wonder who that could be.

- Uncle.

Oh, let me see who is that.

Emily, so, has Kumail told you

that in addition

to being an Uber driver,

he also has a one-man show?

No, he did not tell me that.

- Do you really?

- Oh, it's really nothing.

It's just something

I'm fiddling around with.

How is

a one-man show different

- from stand-up?

- It's really not.

I guess it's because

there's lots of, like,

- wigs and

costume changes. -

- and there's a lot

of acting in it. -Mm.

And then, like,

at the end of it,

you've got this very awkward

conversation where you go,

"I really liked it."

But I thought

you really liked it.

I... really liked it.

I can't wait to see this show.

- Oh, yeah.

- Okay, you-you will never see the show

- because it's... -Oh, you have to see it.

- You have to.

- It's not ready. It's not...

- You have to... you will...

- You will love the acting.

- You have got to see it.

They're f***ing with you.

It's not really like this.

- It's actually very... -It seems

like they're f***ing with you.

- They're f***ing with me or with you?

- It's...

- Yeah, no.

- Significant.

I'm 12 years old and this...

This is home.

Feels like I never left.

Do you smell that?

That's my mom cooking

the Murgh Rogan Josh.

- F***.

- Do you hear that?

That's my father watching

cricket on the telly.

Do you feel that?

That's the weight

of Pakistan's history.

Pakistan was formed

when it separated

from its biggest rival, India,

on August 14, 1947.

Six runs.

Silly mid on. Short mid-wicket.

Mid-wicket.

Deep mid-wicket.

Mid on. Long on. Long off.

Bowler. Mid off.

- A googly is when a...

- -I have to leave

as soon as the show's over.

I can't stay.

- Okay.

- Okay.

So, if you get

a silly mid on fielder,

you know you're getting

a yorker soon.

So, to review,

Pakistan's biggest exports

- are cotton and...

- Concrete.

- Kill me.

- That's right.

Eid Mubarak,

that's our Christmas.

Except instead of the

traditional Christmas ham,

we serve Mithai,

which my Khansamah, Chris,

will serve to you right now.

Hasami is Urdu for servant.

If you want to make it at home,

the main ingredients are

condensed milk, sugar and love.

At least,

that was my mom's recipe.

Hey, you look like

a children's toy from Malaysia.

Now would you all please rise

for the Pakistani

national anthem?

Hey.

Hey. So, what'd you think?

- Um, I thought it was great.

- Yeah?

I never knew that Pakistan

had the world's largest

irrigation system.

Yeah, something like 14 million

hectares are being irrigated.

Like, as soon as I read that

I was like,

- oh, that's going in the show.

- Totally.

- Hi, Emily. -Hey.

- Hi, guys.

Hey. Dude, that was...

You were in the zone, man.

That was, that was

the best one we've seen.

Yeah, that was

so honest and good.

And you know what

I realized halfway through?

- You're from Pakistan.

Yes. -

- cool, good to see you, Emily.

- Yes. Okay, bye, guys.

- Great. Bye, guys.

- Keep up the...

They seemed to like it.

They're so nice.

So, really, what'd you think?

Like, it's a work in progress.

I really liked it.

I learned a lot about Pakistan

and cricket,

all those positions.

But I just wish that I had

learned more about you.

- Does that make any sense?

- Yeah.

Hey.

Oh, hi.

It's 3:
00 A.M.

Is that, uh, diner

around the corner open?

It's 24 hours.

Why, you want an old

lemon meringue pie?

You're so funny.

No, actually, um, I just,

I really need to, um,

get a cup of coffee.

I can make you coffee.

I love diner coffee.

I just love that burnt taste.

- All right, I'll come with you.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- No, why would you do that?

- It's a bad neighborhood.

I'm not gonna let you

go on your own.

Why? 'Cause I'm a woman?

- Okay.

- Seriously, that's the most

misogynous thing

I've ever heard.

- Why are you being so weird?

- F*** you. I'm not being weird.

- You're being so weird right now.

- You're being weird.

- You're being so weird.

- How am I weird?

- I want to sleep while it's sleep time.

- This is normal.

Girls go to get coffee

in the middle of the night.

Have you never had

a girlfriend before?

- This is what it's like.

- Are you okay?

Everything is not okay.

Everything is not good.

Hey, hey, hey. You could tell me

anything, you know that, right?

You could tell me anything.

I have to take a sh*t, okay?!

I have to take

a huge, f***ing Dookie.

I can't poo in your bathroom

because you don't

have any matches

and you don't have

any air freshener.

What kind of person

doesn't have any matches

or air freshener

in the bathroom?!

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote