The Big Sick Page #4

The walls are so thin

and Chris is right out there.

Please, stop laughing.

Please, please, please.

Okay. I have an idea.

Hey. How are you?

I do not want to talk about it.

Watch and learn, bhai.

It's all about shifting

the weight and the torque.

Ooh, Christ.

Oh. Okay.

Hey, you're like

a Pakistani Sammy Sosa.

There you go, honey.

Yeah. That's it.

He's pretty good.

Just do what he's doing.

Okay, great.

Mine.

- Come on, man, just let me...

- Mine.

- Wh-why do you get the Chana?

- You go on that... no.

Mine, mine, mine, thank you.

Mmm. This cookie's really good.

They're biscuits.

Listen to yourself.

You hardly sound Pakistani.

Cookies.

Sound like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Such a burger.

- I'm not a burger.

- Yes, you're a burger.

- I'm not a burger.

- You're a big, fat burger.

And biscuit is

actually a British term.

Oh, thank you

for all the information

I don't give a sh*t about.

And you should listen to mom

and grow a beard.

Gets really itchy. I've tried.

- It's all patchy.

- Oh, is it itchy?

- I know I sound like a baby.

- Well, try being a man,

and conditioning like I do.

What's the whole thing with

Muslims growing beards, anyway?

It's such an

arbitrary thing, right?

Like, who decided that,

oh, we have to have beards.

Oh. But you'll do...

So, there's a billion of us

and you're the only one

with the truth. Is that right?

So, the sun is just shining

down on you right now.

It's just parting.

You know, I have to tell

you something, bhai.

Here we go. Yeah.

I've been dating this girl.

Sure.

- She's white.

- Oh.

I thought you were gonna say you

were involved in a hit-and-run

or you got caught

forging some checks,

- but a white girl?!

I mean, that's such a clich.

It's okay,

and we hate terrorists.

- It's...

- Just... sorry.

Listen, I understand.

You're in America,

and you want to mow a few lawns

and see what it's like,

but eventually you have

to marry a Pakistani girl.

Like... like, I hung out

with other girls,

but then I married Fatima.

And we hardly spoke

two words to each other

in the first few months,

but now, Kumi,

she's like my best friend.

- I know. -You have to break up

with her immediately.

If I find someone who's as good

for me as Fatima is for you,

mom would understand, right?

I mean, she-she wouldn't

love me less.

Oh, she'd definitely

love you less.

Slowly, it'd sort of...

What's the word when guys

stop returning girl's calls?

- Ghosting?

- Yes.

You have to end it now

or mom will f***ing ghost you.

Now, come on. Batting.

I am getting, like,

a lot of bright fruit.

- I'd say it's very fruit forward.

- Mm-hmm.

- It tastes like grape juice

that's gone bad. -

- like...

- Yeah.

Why do you know

so much about wine?

Um, because,

uh...

I was pretty unhappy

in my first marriage,

and I drank a lot,

and, uh, one way to cover

drinking a lot is to just,

- like, know a lot about wine.

- Wait. I'm sorry.

That knowing a lot about wine

covers for drinking a lot.

What did you just say?

Uh, no, I mean

the huge piece of information

- that you're trying

to just blow right past. -Yeah.

Yeah, I was married.

- You were married?

- Um... I was.

I was married.

Do you want to talk

about something else or...?

- Yeah, 'cause I don't really

have any questions -no.

Other than,

when did you get married?

- When did you get divorced?

What's his name?

How tall is he?

Did you love him?

I guess I have

a couple questions.

Uh-huh.

Um, his name was, is Ryan.

We met in college.

Everyone I knew was getting

married super young, so...

We did, and, um, one day

I was at a restaurant,

and I saw this

couple making out.

And I thought,

"huh. I don't think

"about my husband like that.

But that's okay."

And then another part

of my brain was like,

"no, that's not okay.

This is your life."

I feel like this is

freaking you out.

Is this freaking you out?

It's not freaking me out.

I don't want to put

pressure on you.

And I know it's only been

a few months,

but I just wanted

to tell you, I...

Am overwhelmed by you.

It's the last thing

I was expecting.

This was also the last thing

I was expecting.

And I also feel completely

overwhelmed by you.

- That's a weird thing to say.

- Why?

I just said what you said,

exactly what you said.

Yeah, it wasn't weird

when I said it.

No...

It's okay.

So, listen, my parents are going

to be in town this weekend.

- Oh, that's great.

- Will you maybe want to come

and meet them for lunch?

Oh, we can't 'cause

of the two-day rule, right?

Well, you'll come to Mary's

party Friday night, right?

And then we'll probably

spend the night,

so I won't be able

to see you till Monday, so...

Okay. Well, I would love

to meet your parents.

They live in the city, right?

Well, they live in the suburbs,

and, uh, you know,

I don't really see them

very much.

Have they asked about me?

What do they think?

- Oh, um... -Do they,

do they want to meet me?

Of course, of course.

They're dying to meet you.

My parents want to meet you.

- Ow. Oh, my god.

- Whoa, you okay?

- Yep.

- What happened?

- Do you...

- Totally fine.

Do you need...

No, I think I just

tweaked my ankle.

I took this stupid hip-hop

dance class last weekend.

Assistance?

You should get it looked at.

Do you want ice?

- I don't need anything.

- I can get you a bag of ice.

Look, I'm walking on it.

I'm totally fine.

- I can carry you.

- Kumail, seriously, stop.

- I can carry you

the rest of the day. -Stop.

Hey, I liked your friends.

That Craig guy?

Or was it Greg?

You know, I can never tell

with those names.

I'm glad I like him 'cause

I don't want have to, like,

come up with excuses

to avoid him, you know?

Like... like, "oh, no.

I have kite-surfing tonight."

You know, in the U.K.,

Craig is pronounced Crayg...

Which is good 'cause that's

how it's written, right?

Anyway, he's a great guy.

I was gonna tell you about that.

Are you judging Pakistan's

next top model or something?

No.

- Seriously, who are these women?

- Okay, um...

You know how we have arranged

marriage in my culture?

These are those women.

These are women in Pakistan

who want to marry you?

They're not in Pakistan.

You've met these women?

Just with my parents and stuff,

but we-we haven't, like...

But you're not serious

about this, are you?

It's my mom's thing.

I just go along with it.

So, what does your mom

think about you and me then?

She doesn't know about me,

does she?

No.

- Emily, just, can you... just...

- F***!

Five f***ing months

of red flags.

Oh, my god, I'm so stupid.

You ducking my parents.

Oh, my god, the two-day rule.

- No, that had nothing to do with it.

- Seriously.

Red flag after red flag.

You're such a liar.

You lied to me.

You lied to your parents.

And those are just

the people you like.

Is there someone that

you're not lying to?

I'd love to meet them because

then I could tell them

- what a f***ing liar you are!

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