The Big Sick Page #5

- You know what?

You didn't tell me about

your divorce until recently.

So, you were hiding

f***ing something, too.

My divorce does not mean

that our future is impossible.

It actually means

the direct opposite.

I'm not hiding anything

from you. Okay?

I'm an open f***ing book.

You want to know what's

in my cigar box?

Stickers.

Stickers and stamps.

Aren't you a therapist?

Aren't you supposed to be good

- at handling this kind of...

- Where are my f***ing shoes?!

Aren't you,

supposed to be, like,

able to deal with this better

than you are right now?

I am expressing myself!

You know what we call arranged

marriage in Pakistan, Emily?

Marriage.

Okay? We just call it marriage.

There's another type

of marriage.

It's called love marriage

and that's bad.

My cousin, Rehan,

married an Irish woman

and he was kicked

out of the family.

Nobody is allowed

to talk to him.

Why didn't you tell me

any of this?

Because I didn't think

you'd f***ing understand,

and I was f***ing right.

You don't think that

I could fathom your life

- in any f***ing way? -Oh, you

think you could understand me?

I'm fighting

a 1,400-year-old culture.

You were ugly in high school.

There's a big

f***ing difference.

I'm sorry.

I can't lose my family.

Can you imagine a world in w...

In which we end up together?

I don't know.

I have to go.

Don't f***ing call me.

Multigrain, pumpernickel,

pita bread, hot dog bun,

croutons.

I can't eat any of it.

I don't want kids.

People say, "Sam...

You're gonna love it.

"This kid,

you're gonna have a kid,

he's gonna be your best friend."

A best friend that-that pukes

on you and shits everywhere

and is constantly screaming.

I already have friends

like that.

People say, "Sam..."

I know you're bummed,

all right, but, like...

Emily's a good person.

I'm not saying she's not.

All I'm saying is this

is the universe telling you

seize your moment, be a little

selfish and pursue your career.

Bob Dalavan's gonna be here

on Thursday.

If you get the Montreal

comedy festival,

it would change things for you.

You don't want to get stuck

in Chicago, right?

You don't want to end up

like Sam Highsmith,

who's been doing the

"people say Sam" bits since '03.

I don't like kids.

- People say, "Sam..."

- See?

- Is that, is that what you want

for your life? -It's amazing.

- Is that what you want?

- It's like...

And it's the same material.

- What do people say?

- Sam.

- People say what?

- Sam.

I'm Sam Highsmith.

Thank you very much.

- You know what, I'm gonna tell him.

- He's a hack.

I'm gonna tell him how

I actually feel about him.

- I'm gonna tell him.

- It's f***ing bullshit.

- F***ing tell him.

- Never writes anything new.

- Great set, dude.

- I'm feeling it, bro.

- Crushing. -Killing me, man.

- Love the new stuff.

We should be ashamed

of ourselves.

We're weak. We're weak.

I wouldn't call it an obsession,

but I'm pretty good at magic.

- What?

- Yeah. -Magic?

Can you make

his belly disappear?

Come on. I'm too happy

with my belly.

- Oh.

Does anyone have a dollar?

- I will give you something.

- Okay.

- 20? Big spender.

All right. Andrew Jackson.

Don't you think he would look

cool with a pair of sunglasses?

Yeah, I really...

- Okay. Mm.

- Okay.

- Oh, he's... okay.

- Right.

- Okay, stylish.

- Mm-hmm. Yes.

Okay.

And now we sprinkle

the magic dust on.

Yeah, yeah, you can't do it

- without the magic dust. Yeah.

- No, yeah, I need it.

All right.

Abracadabra.

Okay. Watching carefully.

Mm-hmm.

Oh!

That is amazing.

And he does look better

with glasses.

- Right?

- Yes.

How did you do that?

Oh, no, a magician never

reveals her tricks.

Here's your 20 back,

Mr. Nanjiani.

Do you think I can use this

$20 bill now to buy something?

It look better now, right?

I was watching this

monster movie with my friend.

And he turned to me,

and he was like,

- "what would you do

in that situation?" -

I'm never gonna be one

of the last guys alive.

I'm gonna be

the first guy to die.

I die so the other characters

get to find out

that something weird's going on.

I go off alone to find the cat.

I never even find out

that there were monsters.

To me, the plot of the movie was

we're at a research facility

and the cat's missing!

- The end.

Denise, this...

Is your name in Urdu.

Wow, that is so cool.

Kumail?

Hey.

- Hey, Bob Dalavan.

- Yeah.

I know you.

Some very interesting premises

in your...

Set tonight.

- Oh, thanks. -Yeah.

I just wanted you to know.

I'm about to take off.

But you made it to the finals

- for the Montreal showcase.

- Oh, my god.

Thank you.

- You, too, Mary.

- Oh!

- Okay.

- Okay.

So we'll see you guys up there.

- Yeah. -Yes.

- We'll be in touch.

Well, what about c-dog?

Who's that?

Uh, me. What about me?

Oh, you know what?

Funny stuff, okay?

I'll walk you out.

Hey,

do you want to go somewhere?

Yeah, let's go somewhere.

Hello?

Kumail, it's Jessie.

Hey. Who?

Jessie.

I'm in school with Emily.

Listen, Emily's in the hospital.

She has a really bad flu

or something.

What?

Could you just go, please?

We need someone there.

We have exams tomorrow,

so nobody else can go.

She's still in the E.R.

Could you just go

and sit with her

and then drive her home, please?

I was there

for as long as I could,

but I had to leave.

Hi. I'm looking

for Emily Gardner.

Um... Emily Gardner.

She was checked in...

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Um, Jessie called me,

and wanted me to make sure

you were okay.

- So how are you doing?

- Fine.

I'm totally fine.

Never been better.

A thousand percent fine.

Just, like, fainted a little

at work.

Didn't have breakfast

this morning.

Breakfast... the most important

meal of the day. You know that.

Ms. Gardner, your room

- will be ready soon, okay?

- Oh, no, no, actually,

- I would just love to go home

and sleep in my own bed. -Sir,

can you step outside

for a moment, please?

If you want to stay,

you have to go

- to the security desk and get a pass.

- All right.

Where is the security desk?

It's downstairs...

Exactly where you walked in

at the security desk.

The security desk is

at the security desk. Got it.

Can I get you something?

Water? Juice? Coffee?

May I speak

with you for a second?

I'll be right back.

There's a massive infection

in her lungs,

and all her vitals are elevated.

Does she have HIV?

What? No.

I mean, she...

- Are you her husband?

- No.

Oh, we need to intubate her

immediately.

I need a family member

to sign this, so

I'm gonna ask you again...

Are you her husband?

- What does, uh, "intubate" mean?

- We have to put her

on a respirator, and to do that,

we need to put her

in a medically-induced coma.

- Coma?

- Yes.

To stabilize her so we can work

on the infection.

And it needs to happen

right now.

So, I'm gonna ask you

one last time...

Are you her husband?

What's going on?

- What's going on?

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