The Big Wedding Page #2

her life" lectures down to one a day.

l can't wait.

See you, Jared.

Neither can they.

He's huge.

l remember.

Look at Jared.

Lyla. Look how tiny Alejandro was.

One of the workers almost painted over that

while we were redecorating.

l had my knitting needle to his throat

when Donald pulled me off of him.

Yeah. And now they're all grown.

Yeah.

You were so wonderful to them.

Well, they're not officially my kids,

but, you know...

God, you look stunning.

Cut the crap, Bebes.

l look a decade older and so do you.

Said the one of us not wearing control tops.

Wait until you see Muffin. Oh, my God.

l heard she had work done.

Really, like, somebody said it was scary.

Well, let's just say

most of her face is now behind her ears.

And she's completely mental.

She's driving me crazy

about the details of the wedding,

which is ironic

because we're hosting it here.

- Right.

- Right?

And l'm catering it. Organic, of course.

Oh, God, l was just so terrified to see you.

Oh, don't be.

l mean, look, it was a long time ago.

So...

Yeah. Well, now that you're here,

l realize how much l missed you.

Well. Hey, l want to say something.

- This house?

- Yeah?

lt looks absolutely incredible.

When were you two married, anyway?

We weren't. l don't need a ring.

l mean, maybe

l'd like to have a ring some time, but...

You should tell him.

He knows. He knows.

Doesn't exactly

back stroke through the deep end

of the sensitivity pool.

Hey. Look at you two.

Haven't seen this much tail around here

since the last poochie died.

Oh, well.

Welcome to the jungle.

l truly loathe this place.

ls that because you've hooked up

with, like, half the staff?

lt was high school.

And hand jobs don't count.

Thank God.

Hi. Look at you. You look gorgeous.

So do you. Oh, my God, your hair, l love it.

- Thanks.

- l'm so glad you're here.

- Sister.

- lmmigrant.

- Ambulance chaser.

- Partner.

Hey, good for you. Where's Andrew?

- Oh, God.

- Are you okay?

- l gotta sit down.

- Come. Come.

She's drunk already?

Mild concussion. This should be fun.

lt's, like, as soon as we got engaged,

it suddenly dawned on them

that he's not Caucasian.

Wait, you're not Caucasian?

Not at the moment.

Well, that's upsetting.

They're, like,

putting on this whole dinner theater,

PC act, pretending to be really cool,

but really they're freaking out

that they're gonna have beige grandkids.

lsn't that a little hypocritical,

considering your father's

being investigated for...

There's my little princess!

Darling. A wisp.

No, it's fine.

Sweetheart, you know the Corns.

- Hi.

- Hi. Good to see you.

And this is her friend Alejandro.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Hey.

- Al is fine.

- Good. Al.

- Well, hello, Lyla.

- Muffin.

How's Chicago?

Crawling with spics and Jews.

Mazel tov.

l'm shaking, l mean, it's been so long.

What the hell am l gonna say to her?

Don, you're gonna do fine.

l need a drink.

Babe, hey.

Thanks, babe.

- There she is.

- Okay.

Hello, sweetheart.

How are you?

Donald.

You look breathtaking.

You've packed on a few.

You know, only in the good spots. But...

Do you... Well, is it okay if l...

Actually, l'm just...

l'm not feeling so hot right now.

Hey. l miss you so much.

Oh, hey.

l wasn't actually kidding.

l really don't feel well.

l really wish we could spend some time,

- you know, just the three...

- Dad!

Oh, my God. ls she...

- You all right?

- Oh, my God.

Okay. So much better.

So give us the lowdown.

Rehearsal dinner tomorrow.

Saturday wedding at the house.

And where are we going

on our honeymoon?

Vietnam and Cambodia.

Yeah. We suggested Venice,

but we don't count.

Because it's safer.

But also, of course, because Venice

is Alejandro's native language.

Your name is Muffin.

Yes.

l love Cambodia.

And it's perfectly safe.

l know,

because l lived there for three months.

Mom found herself in Asia.

What?

That's absurd.

- What'd l miss?

- Mom.

Don't you know Tantra?

ls that how you say it?

You had a nine-hour orgasm once?

Seriously?

That's gross.

A little self-exploration

wouldn't kill you, young man.

Okay.

Or maybe a little less

self-exploration, in your case.

Right, virgy?

- So it's on.

- Oh, yeah.

One-nothing.

- Nine hours?

- Okay.

Doesn't that hurt?

Wait a second. Lyla.

Why isn't Andrew here?

Trouble in paradise?

You're a peach.

And they're all tied up.

Okay, l don't understand.

What's he talking about?

Andrew's moved out.

He's moved out?

ls he fooling around?

Because l'll tweeze his balls off.

Great idea.

Yeah, 'cause karmically

that would make a ton of sense.

What happened?

We can talk about this later.

You know what?

As long as it's come up,

let's just get it over with.

Because l'm sure Barry and Muffin here

are just dying to hear all about

the tests, and the injections,

and humiliation

l've so enjoyed the last four years.

No, we really don't...

Honey...

We were fighting. All the time.

And it just...

lt just got really hard,

and he couldn't take it.

And l knew that,

so l cut him loose before he did it to me.

Amen. So...

Who do you have to lynch

for a cosmo around here?

- Okay.

- l don't get it.

She can't have children.

Okay, could you please excuse me, just...

- No, no. No. l've got it.

- No, no. Don.

l don't think it's a good idea.

Before you end it all, you should know

they filled in the kiddy pond last summer.

So?

Let's just say, the grown-up pool

is a few degrees warmer this year.

Where are you?

Right behind you.

Same place l've always been.

ls it okay if l...

Yeah. Thought you were afraid of heights.

The heights are fine.

lt's the lows l'm not in love with.

How's it coming?

Spectacular.

l'll get there well before Christmas.

l know we're supposed to do this whole

father-daughter kumbaya on a stick thing,

but it just doesn't work that way.

l'm gonna sit down.

Okay.

l know.

Mom wasn't the only one you cheated on.

l know.

l still don't know how Bebe sleeps at night

in a house you and Mom built together.

And the decent thing would have been

to just sell it, or burn the place down.

l'm sorry.

For what?

That things rarely turn out

the way we want them to.

Yeah.

Listen, honey.

You know, this thing with Andrew...

Don.

Want my cosmo?

Down to my toenails.

No, thanks.

Mother-pisser.

My God, you must be so excited.

lt's been, what,

like four years since you've seen them?

Here, sweetie, have some vegetables.

l'm kind of nervous, actually.

Yeah. What? You don't have to be. Why?

Well, because my sister's

never even left Colombia.

That's plenty.

Really?

ls she as traditional as your mother?

l think so. She's extremely shy. So...

Well, listen to me.

We are going to make them feel

as welcome and at home as we possibly can.

Did you know that l have to promise

to raise our kids Catholic

or the priest won't even

perform the ceremony?

Come on. That's very 14th-century of him.

- Right?

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