The Big Wedding Page #3

- Just, listen to me,

cross your fingers behind your back,

and just say, "Hallelujah, Jesus."

That's what Missy keeps saying.

But it's the principle

of the whole thing, isn't it?

No, it's not. lt's marriage.

One compromise down, 2.999 million to go.

Speaking of compromises,

l have something

that l need to ask you guys.

Anything.

lt's just, it's... lt's kind of a big one.

Don? Oh, my God!

Do you know what your son just told me?

Oh, my God.

You know how the Catholics

have this thing about divorce?

Well, it turns out that Madonna

is under some sort of ridiculous impression

that divorce is a great big, fat sin.

Who's Madonna?

Al's biological mother! What are you, nuts?

l'm not listening.

And she's also under the impression

that of all the big, fat divorce sinners

in this whole big, wide world,

you and l are not among them.

Don? Can you even hear what l'm saying?

- Not remotely.

- We're not divorced!

- Got it?

- What?

For the next three days,

you and l are husband and wife.

- What?

- Yes!

Sh*t!

Don!

l feel terrible.

They're just letting anyone into Harvard

these days, huh?

And you never told her

about them because...

l mean, there was no way

she was ever gonna come here.

lt never even occurred to me

until that Pre-Cana.

Well, wait a minute.

What would happen if she knew the truth?

You told me what she put you through

during the adoption.

She gave up her only son

so that l could have a chance at a better life.

And now, she left Colombia,

which she swore she would never do.

On an airplane,

which she's petrified of,

only to find out that l've been lying to her

about being raised by heathens

for the past 15 years.

- No offense.

- None taken.

lt'd break her poor little heart.

Why don't we just fake it

for a of couple days? No big deal.

And what makes either of you

think you could pull this off?

Sweetie, there's just one little part

that l'm stuck on.

lf those two are still married,

then what does that make me?

My concubine?

l hadn't really gotten there yet.

l see.

All right.

More tea, anyone?

l thought my life was a sh*t storm.

l feel awful.

Well, then what the hell are you waiting for?

This is gonna go great.

Before we start shitting kittens,

why don't we just sit the old gal down

and lay it all out for her?

You and l are divorced.

lt's not like we moved

to a f***ing petting zoo or something.

She's from another country.

A very different country.

And her values aren't the same as ours.

So just pretend to be married

for the weekend.

What's the big deal?

Where would you like me to start?

Hey, listen. You were no Mardi Gras, toots.

What did you call me?

Let's get that straight.

And it's an expression. lt's an expression.

Of endearment.

So don't get all Jane Fonda about it.

Well, you know, the Tibetans

have a wonderful expression

for moments like these as well.

Yeah?

Loosely translated,

it means, "Go f*** a yak, Don."

That's the moment. l finally feel home.

So, she's leaving.

Some apology.

What is the matter with you? Why can't...

She won't listen to me.

She's not going anywhere.

Honey, this is all very dramatic.

- Can't we just...

- Put a sock in it, Donald.

Let me help you with this.

Let's go in the kitchen, let's have some tea...

- You hate my tea.

- l love your tea.

- Really?

- Okay, okay.

l do hate your tea.

But the rest of you is pure perfection.

- Just take the suitcase.

- Honey, please. Look...

Bebe?

Jesus.

l'll call Holly

and have her oversee the catering.

l promise, we can figure this out.

This weekend should be

about you and Missy,

and your happiness.

And if my presence means that

that doesn't happen...

But, Bebe,

you're a big part of that happiness.

l'll just...

No. Because then every time

you look back on your wedding day,

it's gonna be with pain and regret.

And l can't allow that to happen.

l love you, sweetie.

Ciao, baby. Just consider this

my wedding present, okay?

Oh, God, help your father

before he blows his bypass.

Pop, l got it.

That's it.

There. You be brave, and elegant.

Okay?

Don't take sh*t from any of the old people.

Bebe. Bebe!

Please, you don't have to do this.

Oh, pishposh.

l'm gonna go to The Plaza,

use Donald's platinum card.

Listen. Look, l need you this weekend.

l can't get through this without you. l can't...

Back off, Donald. You're already on thin ice.

What the hell did l do?

lt's not what you did.

Okay. Okay, what didn't l do?

Why don't you ask your wife?

Maybe she'll explain it to you.

Bebe.

- My fault.

- Yep.

My fault! Un-f***ing-believable.

Piece of wedding advice, kid,

stay single as long as you can.

- Will do.

- Trust me.

As long as you possibly can.

Hey, l'm sorry,

but may l just say something here?

The woman that you supposedly love

is devastated,

and all you've got, Don, is "stay single."

lt was a joke.

Right, l forgot,

you haven't laughed since the '60s.

Yeah. Not since l married you.

Yeah, well, promise to never do that again.

Believe me, not in a million years.

Well, but let's not

bring your mother into this.

Guys.

You just punched me in the face!

What are you doing?

l could tell you something,

l earned my green belt,

and you talk sh*t about my mother again,

l swear, Don...

- Guys!

- What?

l thought she wasn't coming until tomorrow.

That was yesterday. For God's sake.

You just punched me in the f***ing face.

l'm sorry. Here we go, dear.

What are you doing?

What do you mean, what am l doing?

l don't know. After what you just did?

- You're gonna hold my hand.

- lt's okay.

Thank you for inviting me to your home.

l pray that Alejandro and Melissa

are as wonderful together as you've been.

- Gracias. Gracias.

- Yeah.

No, no.

Whatever. Just whatever...

No, l've got it. l've got it, honey.

Oh, dear.

Thank you. Welcome.

Anyway.

She wants to know

why your nose is bleeding.

This? Well, no, it's... No English, right?

No.

Because my wife is

one of the great c*nts of the 1 9th century.

Yeah. There you go.

Mama. Here we go.

Hi. Hello.

This is my sister Lyla.

- Hi.

- And this is Jared.

The lawyer and the doctor.

Yes.

She said my son is lucky

to have such role models.

We're your role models.

That's a mistranslation.

- No, it's not.

- Yes, it is. This is Nuria.

Hi.

Hey. Really nice to meet you.

You see, it's not...

Excuse me. Sorry.

Sorry. lt's not...

We're in between interior decorators.

Yes, and there's a statue, too.

And oh, my goodness,

l have such wonderful taste.

- Yeah.

- Don, darling.

l think it would be a wonderful idea

if you showed her your studio, dear.

l don't think that's such a good idea.

Hey, you know,

l think that's a really good idea.

- Right.

- There you go.

Thank you, sweetie.

Right this way.

That's a commission.

Birthday present for some fat cat's wife.

lt's...

Yeah. Sucks being sober.

You like?

Well, that's weird

that Al's got a sister, right?

Yeah. And a mother.

Are you jealous?

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