The Big Wedding Page #8

Neither of us are

particularly close to being stupid.

And you know what, you can hate me

for the rest of your life,

if that's what you need.

But l'm gonna tell you

what l need as your father.

l need as your father

to be able to give my little girl

the best chance at a happy life.

Because ultimately, and we're all selfish,

that gives me

the best chance at a happy life.

Even if you hate me for it.

- l don't hate you.

- Let me finish.

Let me finish.

l know you love me, sweetheart,

even if you don't.

l do know that.

And l know that when Mom and l split up

you felt that you had to pick a side.

And l was okay with that.

Because, you know,

she needed you more than l did.

And l understand that.

The day you were born,

l went out and l got blasted,

and l left your mom alone.

l just drank my face off.

You know, you had these swollen little eyes,

and these pink little hands.

You were so...

l couldn't rectify how something

so incandescent could come

from an old douchebag like me.

Same with the boys. You know,

but for a few mistakes along the way,

l did the best l could

to earn my place in all of your lives.

You know, you can be mad at me,

not mad at me.

lt's never gonna change

how l feel about you.

And, look,

l know these are just words to you now.

But trust me, you'll understand what l mean

when your daughter is born.

How do you know it's a girl?

l don't. l'm just hoping you'll be that lucky.

And l'm sorry that l'm so late, by the way.

l actually wasn't planning on coming.

You didn't miss much.

My mom's a part-time lesbian.

l don't have a response for that.

That's okay.

Hi.

Hey.

You look beautiful, honey.

l'm not the one who invited you.

Okay.

He said that you had something to tell me.

We're just gonna go.

No, no, no, no, no.

You are my sister now.

This involves you as well.

You never called me.

Well, you did say that

you never wanted to speak to me again.

You said terrible things to me.

l know.

We were in a... l was... l'm sorry. l am sorry.

l...

l'm pregnant.

That's why you barfed on Dad.

Sorry.

Are you serious? l don't believe this.

Andrew, l won't bring this baby

into an unhappy marriage.

l agree. l agree. We can work on that.

Okay.

Can l...

Beatrice. l know you're still here

because l just

threw your car keys in the pond.

And into the kitty litter.

- Beatrice?

- l love it.

- Beatrice.

- Oh, my God.

l think that's for you.

Get your tight little ass out here,

toute de suite.

Beastrice Masrthas McBride,

you come out here now

or l'll huff, and l'll puff,

and l'll blow your house...

And you'll give everybody here a migraine

if you don't shut the dilly up.

What do you want?

Okay.

Here you go. Sorry for cutting in.

l just want to tell you something.

Well, okay. We're all listening.

lf l've learned anything about life,

it's that it's all but a dream.

- Brilliant.

- And there's no wizard

pulling levers behind a curtain,

which means, as far as l can see,

the only real use in loving someone

is that it makes your life better.

And my life would suck infinitely more

without you in it.

That's it?

That's the truth.

Okay. Okay. l just have one answer for you.

No, no, l did not ask you a question.

The answer is yes.

l did not ask him a question.

Yes. Yes. Yes, l am a horse's ass.

Yes, l will ogle,

but never again, other than perhaps

mentally, fondle another woman.

And yes, l will embarrass you,

and shock you, and often cause you

to question every last reason in the world

why you would

ever love me in the first place.

- Yes.

- You...

- Yeah?

- Think that l still love you?

Really, you don't?

- Keep going.

- Right, right. And yes,

l would rather gouge out my eyeballs

with hot spoons than cause you pain again.

And yes, l will keep you

on an alabaster pedestal.

Words.

And yes,

l will love you and only you

for the rest of my life,

if you will allow me

the honor of becoming your husband.

Where the f*** did you get that ring?

l've had it around for a while,

six years or so.

Six years?

So, what do you say?

What the hell.

That's the spirit.

Okay then.

By the power still vested in me,

l now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Wait a second.

You'll always love me.

May l have this dance?

Yeah.

- Some wedding, huh?

- lt's my first two-fer.

- Yeah. Congratulations.

- You, too.

Yeah. You know, you were right.

About what?

There are different kinds of love.

Which one are you feeling now?

All of them.

Welcome to the family, baby Jane.

Lesson one, your grandmothers are all nuts.

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