The Big Wedding Page #7

Hey. Hey, wait.

Of course. You look amazing.

Thank you.

- There's no chance that you've...

- No. No.

...changed your mind?

Yeah, l didn't think so.

- Sorry.

- That's okay.

Well, you have to admire the symmetry of it.

Hey, Donald, sit down.

Although, l guess

if we were really being sticklers,

you'd have to put your dick in Muffin.

What?

l dig the vulgarity,

but why would l ever want

to bang Muffin O'Connor?

Well, l'm just saying,

if you want to go for true symmetry.

What are you talking about?

Eleanor?

Would somebody

just please punch me in the face again?

Because l don't know...

What are we talking about?

She cheated on you first.

What?

l...

What. Wait. Well, wait a second.

Well, there was... lt was like a...

Mistake. Honey...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

lf making it even

means that l'm supposed to boink Muffin,

that would mean that you boinked...

Barry.

- What?

- What?

- Why?

- What do you mean, why?

What's the rumpus?

Wait, wait, wait.

You slept with Missy's father today?

No, no, no. Not today.

lt was years ago, when we were married.

He must have read you a ton of poetry, huh?

How could you?

l was really very unhappy at that time.

- What about me?

- Well, l don't really care about you.

- l know you don't!

- Listen, l don't know what to say.

lt was practically an accident.

And l never told anyone.

Never. Not one person.

Except, of course, my very best friend.

lt was a long time ago. lt was.

And now you all have a wedding to go to.

l'm gonna call the movers.

- No.

- Wait, no.

Just for the record,

whatever happens, no way am l ever

bumping uglies with Muffin O'Connor.

l beg your pardon?

What the hell did you just say?

Just because you porked my wife

doesn't mean l have to return the favor.

Excuse me?

All right, that's it.

- Oh, God.

- What are you doing?

You look amazing, by the way.

Please. Okay.

Look, l... Barry, Barry, it wasn't me.

Okay, so l did the thing with you.

l mean, l didn't do that.

l did the... Whatever you do.

l'm sorry about it. lt was a mistake.

F*** you. F*** you, f*** you, and f*** me.

Where is he going?

Overseas, l imagine.

So you're the one.

And l'm so sorry, Muffin.

You have to understand

that it didn't mean one single thing.

l feel so used.

Don't even worry about it.

Barry and l have an understanding.

l occasionally look the other way,

and he doesn't harp on my fetishes.

What fetishes?

Your wife, for example.

Which one?

They're both equally delicious.

And that's the ballgame.

Wow. l did not see that one coming.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Yeah. You guys might want to step out here.

Good idea.

Oh, God. This is humiliating.

- What?

- What do we do?

- About which one?

- You know, Bebe.

Can't live without her, right? Right?

Okay. So, you've gotta think

about what you're gonna do.

Right.

- Where are the children?

- l don't know.

Dying of embarrassment somewhere?

You think they might call it off?

Oh, man, Muffin, get over it.

Okay. lt's okay.

You're gonna have

beige grandkids that are bilingual.

We'll see about that, won't we?

We will see about that. Yes, we will.

Sure you're okay with this?

You kidding me?

Just get this over with

before anybody sees us.

- Father?

- Everybody ready?

Just give us the Cliff Notes version.

l'm sorry, but l have...

Oh, come on, please,

before anything else happens.

Okey dokey.

Melissa, do you take...

Yes, l do.

Do you, Alejandro Soto Griffin...

Yes.

l do.

On your marks...

Get set...

l'm pregnant.

Surprise.

Look! Lyla!

Oh, God, they're eloping on the dock!

No, no! No!

- Stop! Don't do it!

- Holy mother.

Alejandro...

You put the ring... Yeah.

The ring on her finger.

You put the ring on his finger.

- No, no! Don't!

- Blah, blah, blah.

l now pronounce you husband and wife.

- You may...

- Please. Stop!

- ...kiss the bride.

- No!

- Now can we elope?

- Definitely.

- Now, now, Muffin.

- How could you do this to me?

She can't swim.

Really?

Hey.

Look, l know

we might never see each other again, so,

l thought maybe we'd toast to

what was almost a beautiful friendship.

No, you know,

your mother was the one that told me that

American women are more reserved

when it comes to their sexuality.

Except for her, of course.

l think l will not...

Take her advice anymore.

The men of Colombia will be thrilled.

What?

Close the door.

Bebe! Bebe! Bebe!

ls that them?

Yeah.

They're gonna be spectacular together.

They're smarter than we are, huh?

lt's hard not to be.

l mean, what was l thinking?

What an idiot.

l mean, what is wrong with me?

No, there's nothing wrong with you.

At all, Bebe.

ln fact, you know what l've come to believe?

l believe you're the sanest one of all of us.

- Oh, no.

- Yes.

You don't have to say that. That's crazy.

That doesn't make it any less true.

You've always been more beautiful.

Ellie. And, l mean, l think actually that's

probably one of the reasons

that l found Don so attractive.

Come on. You were in love with Don Griffin

from the first time l introduced you

at the Crabtree summer party.

Was it that obvious?

Yeah, to me.

Well, then why didn't you

hit me with your car or something?

Come on, you were my best friend.

Still are, l hope.

Oh, Bebe. lt wasn't him.

Oh, yeah, okay, so he was flirting,

but l made the first move.

- Why?

- Because...

l wanted to make sure l was over him.

And you know what? lt turns out

l've been over him for such a long time.

l want you to know something else.

l've always been happy

that it was you he turned to.

l told you l forgive you.

Then forgive him, too.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Again.

Oh, hell yeah.

- Excuse me...

- No, thank you.

At least no one will ever forget it.

l'm an orphan.

No, no. lt's not that bad.

My mother's a lesbian,

and my father has had his penis

in your mom.

That's a picture.

lf it makes you feel any better,

l think my brother is somewhere

having sex with my sister.

What?

They are all coming out of the woodwork.

You've gotta be kidding me.

No. No, l'm just saying call me

if she gets back to the hotel.

Well, how the hell...

Listen, how am l supposed to know?

That's why l'm asking you.

And that makes a full set.

What the hell did l do now?

Do you know why l've stayed away from you

for all these years?

l have some idea. But l... Okay.

Because like it or not, l'm your daughter.

Jared got all of Mom's traits,

and l won the lottery with all of yours.

Yeah. You know, if we're the same,

how come no one's popping you in the face

every five minutes?

You know, when you cheated on Mom

l became terrified that l was gonna

ruin my marriage the same way.

And l don't want to be like that.

l don't want to be like you anymore.

- Andrew's here.

- Yeah, l know, Dad.

l wonder who called him?

Yeah, okay, two things.

Then if you never speak to me again,

so be it.

Look. l know you would figure out

that l called him.

And you're right, Lyla, we are alike.

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