The Birdcage Page #2

I gave Agador the night off.

So we're all alone.

As requested.

Since when do you like beer?

I have something to tell you.

But I don't want you to get

how you get.

Oh, God.

I'm getting married.

I didn't want to tell you

over the phone.

It's a girl.

I met her at school.

It's wonderful...

Are you upset?

Let me tell you why.

First, you're only twenty.

Pop, I know, I'm young.

But you've always said I was

a very levelheaded guy. And I am.

I have job offers. I know what I want.

And I have an incredible role model.

- Oh, please.

- It's true.

I'm the only guy I know

who isn't from a broken home.

Stop flattering me.

It's cheap.

Is it all right, Dad?

Does it matter?

Of course it does.

Say it's okay, before Albert arrives

and starts screaming.

I can't.

And I won't.

This is too crazy.

You do this, you're on your own.

Got that, sport?

Don't come back.

Don't ask me for anything.

- I want nothing to do with it.

- Okay.

- If that's how you feel.

- I do.

- Fine. Good-bye, Pop.

- Good-bye, Son.

You called my bluff.

It was good.

- Really?

- Not bad.

I backed off a little bit.

Tell me it's all right.

It's all right. I always dreamed

you would. Just not so soon.

Come on. Drop your bags.

Stay a while.

Let's drink a toast

to this catastrophe.

I'm kidding.

It's all right.

What's the young lady's name?

Barbara.

Are you crazy?

It's out of the question.

Married?

You're not even 18!

Who is this boy, Barbie?

When did you last see him?

Please, don't call me Barbie.

This afternoon at 2:00. We've been

sleeping together for a year.

Oh, God!

Has he been tested?

Oh, Kevin!

Yes, and so have I.

This has to wait until after

the election. I can't deal with this.

Where does the young man come from,

Barbie...ra? Who is his father?

His father is in the arts.

He's on the Council of Cultural Arts.

Really?

Did they fund

the Mapplethorpe exhibit?

No! Goodness, no.

He's a cultural attaché to Greece.

Really?

What the hell is that?

That's kind of a diplomatic post.

It's sort of an ambassador.

What does the mother do?

She's a housewife.

That's really refreshing.

Isn't it, Kevin?

I can't talk about this now.

- Hello?

- You okay?

Yes.

I just told them.

Me too.

And my father is...

very excited. He's raising

his glass to toast us right now.

I'm going to put him on.

Yes. Take it.

- You said his parents were in Greece.

- Dad, get off the phone!

Take it.

Hello, Barbara.

To your future.

Sh*t! No, dear,

that was not my toast.

I just broke my glass.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

It was nice talking to you.

We'll talk again soon.

How dare you eavesdrop!

You said his parents were

in Greece.

You saw this boy at 2:00 today,

and now he's in Greece with his parents?

No.

Greece?

They're back for the winter.

They're at their home

in South Beach.

Is that like Palm Beach?

It's close. It's about two minutes

from where Jeb Bush lives.

Really?

Aha!

- Wait.

- Who is he?

Who?

Where's your little chippie?

Will you stop screaming?

It's Val.

Val?

He's asleep in his room

if you don't believe me.

Why didn't you tell me?

Surprise.

Good morning!

What beautiful flowers.

Good morning, Albert.

We have nice, fresh lobster

this morning, Albert.

No, thank you, Mr. Lopez.

Not today. The piglet is home.

You want the cake delivered?

Yes, please. And remember to write

'To my Piglet, from his Auntie' on it.

You got it.

Thank you, Mr. Boynton.

I want to get back before he wakes up.

I'll just try this sample.

Chocolate schnecken.

A triumph.

Well, bye-bye.

Perhaps one more schnecken

for the road. Do you mind?

When the schnecken beckons...

- Good morning.

- Not yet.

What is this, sludge?

Yes. I thought it would make

a nice change from coffee.

Why didn't you say Val was coming,

you bad man?

I would not have been

so sassy to you.

Will you put some clothes on?

Why don't you let me

be in the show?

Are you afraid

of my Guatemalanness?

Your what?

My Guatemalanness.

My natural heat.

You're afraid I'm too primitive, right?

To be on the stage...

with your little,

estrogen Rockettes.

You're right.

I'm afraid of your heat.

Here I am.

The bag lady.

Good morning, Agador.

Wash those, will you?

They're delivering the rest at noon.

Good morning.

My God, that beard!

- Here you go.

- Thank you, dear.

Turkish coffee.

Delicious.

See?

Is Val still asleep?

He must be exhausted, poor baby.

You should have told me he was coming.

I'm so ashamed of how I acted.

But how could I know?

The truth is, you can't stand

sharing your son with me.

You're always pushing me away.

Oh, will you look at this shirt?

It's a rag!

No matter how many shirts I send him,

he only wears this one.

You look awful.

What's wrong?

Val's getting married.

Don't be silly.

I got pork roast for dinner.

I wanted to get filet mignon,

but it's so expensive.

What do you mean, married?

You know what I mean.

- I don't understand.

- Yes, you do.

To some girl he met at school.

Oh, no!

Oh, but...

he's just a baby.

He'll ruin his life!

We've been through all that, okay?

Bottom line is he's getting married,

no matter what we say.

So the less said, the better.

Oh, my God.

I woke up feeling so good.

Now, all of a sudden, I feel...

so funny.

Let it go.

Breathe.

Oh, you've heard.

Oh, Vallie! Oh, my God,

this is such a shock.

I'm not saying anything.

I promised your father.

But at 20, if you throw yourself away

on some dormitory slut...

you'll be sorry the rest

of your life. There!

That's all. No more.

Subject closed.

Well, don't just stand there.

Give me a kiss!

Or are you

too grown-up for that now?

Hello, Albie.

Our baby is going to leave us.

And we won't have any others.

Not without a miracle.

When I and Senator Keeley founded

the Coalition for Moral Order...

it was to express moral,

rather than political, views.

What Senator Jackson is trying

to say is that...

morality is political.

Abortion, same-sex marriage...

It's a wonderful show.

It's the most intelligent show

on television.

...pornography would not exist...

if politicians didn't make laws

to protect them.

That's why both houses

are now Republican.

Bravo.

It's the perfect platform.

Yes, I'm so glad I got on

Jackson's bandwagon instead of Dole.

Dole is just too...

Dark.

I was going to say liberal,

but he's dark too.

I have to fire this woman.

This young man

Barbie wants to marry...

Miss Porter, page two...

paragraph two.

It's 'porno,' not 'pronto.'

...I wonder if he's old money.

I mean, a cultural attaché.

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