The Birdcage Page #3

Your campaign manager is calling.

He says he has to talk to you.

Thank you, Bridget.

Hello, Ben.

Ready for what?

What?

What's wrong, Kevin?

Jackson's dead.

Oh, my God.

He died in bed?

Whose bed?

A prostitute?

A minor?

And black?

I don't believe this. I don't f***ing

believe this! I'm ruined!

You cannot be held responsible

for Senator Jackson's private life.

I'm the vice president

of the Coalition for Moral Order.

My co-founder just died in the bed

of an underage black whore!

Wait until the media finds out!

Bridget!

I could really use some candy!

You want one of these?

Oh, this.

My baby.

Why does it seem...

so real to me...

Albert, you're driving me crazy.

I know, but...

Track-and-field award.

There's the bar mitzvah.

Time passes so quickly.

Well, he looked kind of funny,

but he was smiling, so I didn't worry.

How do they get them on so quickly?

They pay.

They're not mentioning you much.

It's early.

Senator Jackson's last words.

Tonight, on 'Inside Edition.'

Can you get a shot of the house?

We may not make the live shot.

If we must, I'll do a stand-up.

'He looked kind of funny...

but he was smiling,

so I didn't worry.'

Yeah, we got a good spot.

I don't know if he's going to--

Why don't you set up there?

Figure you'll get part

of the house in the--

I don't know if he'll come out.

Where's Dad?

He snuck out to meet with his advisors.

They refused to come here.

I never should have let him go.

How will he get back in?

Mom, I have something to tell you

about Val's parents.

They can't blame us for this.

Eli Jackson was a common redneck.

We never saw him socially.

They can understand that, can't they?

Thank goodness they're not snobs.

What are you doing here?

I came through the orchard,

over the barn.

It's so dangerous.

You could have fallen.

I did! I'm a wreck.

This thing is all anyone can talk about.

Kevin?

There may be a solution.

What, death?

It didn't work for Jackson.

What about a wedding?

A big, white wedding.

What wedding?

Who's getting married?

No, no!

Why not?

It would restore your image.

A wedding is hope.

And a white wedding is

family and morality and tradition.

And it would be

such a special marriage.

The son of a cultural attaché,

a sort of diplomat, really...

who doesn't look down on us

because of Senator Jackson.

Who's willing to join our family.

There's the cover of 'People'

and 'Time' and 'Newsweek.'

Love and optimism versus

cynicism and sex!

It would be an affirmation!

If necessary, we'll get

the Pope's blessing. It's not hard.

No, he's too controversial.

What about Billy Graham?

He's too liberal.

- Where's the candy?

- You've had enough candy.

This boy--

What's his father's name?

Armand...

Coleman.

I wonder if they're related

to Tish and Bobo Coleman.

- Are they from Boston?

- I don't think so.

I think we should go

to South Beach immediately.

We should have dinner--

We'll have dinner with them

and stay with the Bushes.

Mr. and Mrs. Armand Coleman

of Greece and South Beach.

# What is this dream I see

# Why does it seem so real

# To me

# What if this dream turns out to be

# More than a dream

Fairy dust, fairy dust, fairy dust.

# Come, little dream, and play

# Don't be afraid

# Don't fade away

# Quick, little dream

# Before you're gone

# Let's get it on

I saw that.

Well, this is impossible.

Either I'm an artist...

or I'm just some cheap drag queen

trying to get laughs.

Let's just get through it.

I have to understand

every nuance of a song.

I have to give my all.

Everyone else can just 'get through it.'

He's chewing gum.

Chewing gum helps me think.

You're wasting your gum.

Let's keep going.

And no more talking. From anyone.

- I need to talk to you.

- Sit.

- It's important.

- Quiet. He's rehearsing.

# Each night anew

# Tell me, my dream

# Are you a dreamer too

What is it?

- Can you come upstairs with me?

- No, not right now.

Did you see what he just did?

Hello, Vallie, darling.

He blew a bubble while I was singing.

He can't do that while I'm singing!

This may be a drag show...

but it should be a good drag show.

If possible, a great one.

Just because you're 22 and hung--

I'll do this, Albert.

- You're the director.

- Thank you.

This is a complex number,

full of mythic themes.

The woman who is singing

invented you.

You are her fantasy.

Suddenly, you...

the fantasy, see her, your inventor,

and she becomes your fantasy.

- I don't get it.

- Try more gum.

- Albert.

- I hear you.

Thank you.

I know you do.

Celsius,

let's start with the premise...

that when you see this stunning,

smoldering creature...

she transcends your desire to chew.

She electrifies you!

Something starts in your pelvis

and goes to your heart...

where it becomes

heart-slash-pelvis.

Yes?

Coming!

What do I do?

Stand here like an object?

You do an eclectic celebration

of the dance!

You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! Or Martha

Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham!

Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael

Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd!

Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!

But you keep it all inside.

Work on that. I'll be right back.

It's looking wonderful.

Barbara's coming with her parents.

- When?

- Tomorrow.

That's plenty of time.

No, there's more.

There's a lot more.

Wine?

No. Let's hear it.

I have to get back to rehearsal.

Barbara's father is a senator,

a conservative senator.

He's running for reelection.

And she told him...

you're the cultural attaché

to Greece, and Albert is a housewife.

What?

She had to. He founded

the Coalition for Moral Order.

I don't care.

I don't want to be someone else.

Do you want me to be?

No, no. Of course not.

And neither does she. But...

Dad, he's Kevin Keeley.

Who's Kevin Keeley?

Do you read the newspaper?

Of course. 'Variety,' the Arts

and Leisure section of the 'Times'...

What don't I know?

Are you marrying some Nazi?

No. He's conservative,

like half of America is conservative.

And I'm marrying her, not him.

- I need your help.

- Not for this.

You've done it before.

Lied about who I am?

Never.

When I started Edison Park,

remember what you said?

You said if Miss Donovan asked,

I should say you were a businessman.

You were a baby,

and she was a small-minded idiot.

I didn't want you to get hurt.

It's different now.

You're a man.

I can still get hurt.

It would mean everything to me

if you would help us.

It's just for one night.

This is insane.

What do I do, close the club...

so I can pretend to be

a cultural attaché? Whatever that is.

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