The Birdcage Page #4

And what about Albert? How do you

make Albert into a housewife?

Well, you'd have to send him away.

You try sending Albert away.

We'd never get him past the Keeleys.

Dad, we have to get rid of a few things.

What things?

Well, that, for example.

Neptune?

That's a classic.

And this.

The Kirby?

That's art!

And how about that?

That better?

Look, it's not just one

or two things, okay? It's everything.

We're going to have

to tone this down a little.

Just make it a bit more

like other people's homes.

I see.

So we need a total redecoration...

so we can be

more like other people.

And you're going to

have to try to...

...you know--

change your mannerisms a little.

- What are you saying?

- Just be a little less obvious.

I'm obvious.

I just had the walls

sponge painted, Val.

You better come downstairs.

She's trying to take his gum away.

I'll be right down.

Yes, I wear foundation.

Yes, I live with a man.

Yes, I'm a middle-aged fag.

But I know who I am, Val.

It took me 20 years to get here.

I won't let some idiot senator

destroy that.

F*** the senator.

I don't give a damn what he thinks.

Still outside the home of

Senator Kevin Keeley...

Still outside the home of

Senator Kevin Keeley...

the co-founder of

the Coalition for Moral Order...

...waiting for Senator Jackson's

colleague, Senator Kevin Keeley.

At this point, we don't know

if the senator is at home...

Earlier reports placed him

at the home of Senator Robert Dole.

We're here at what

they're calling Camp Keeley...

waiting for the senator

to put in an appearance.

The senator was co-founder

of the Coalition for Moral Order...

with Senator Eli Jackson.

The senator has been besieged here,

outside his palatial estate...

by a virtual army of media,

waiting for...

some comment

on the unfortunate events of late.

Where you driving him?

South Beach, Florida.

Folks, there have been a lot

of tasteless jokes going around...

about the death of Senator Jackson.

And here's another one.

Join Jay on 'The Tonight Show'

with guests Yasser Arafat and Kate Moss.

This is unbearable.

Kevin, no!

I'm going down the ladder.

I can't face the press.

Have the chauffeur

pick me up by the orchard.

No! I don't want to go

out there alone!

Barbara will be with you.

It's not you they're after.

Daddy!

I'm going down the back way.

What about your announcing

Barbara's wedding to the Coleman boy?

Not before we meet them.

What if they change their mind?

Let go of me.

I'll meet you in the car.

- He's leaving his home.

- Senator Keeley!

Senator, will this cost you votes?

What's the future

of the Coalition?

What about the rumors

Senator Jackson was on lithium?

Uh, gentlemen... and ladies...

I am, as are all my colleagues...

Republican and Democrat,

liberal and conservative alike...

stunned and saddened

by the circumstances surrounding...

the death of Senator Jackson,

as well as the death itself.

My family and I...

are leaving town for a few days, uh,

for reasons that I cannot, uh...

To, um, plan an event.

An event which...

I cannot, uh...

Which may perhaps heal some of the...

bad, uh, things, that...

Senator Jackson's demise

has made us all...

feel.

Where are you going, Senator?

Where? To our farm. That's all

I'm going to say at this time.

- Did you know the girl?

- Where is the farm?

Agador?

Goddamn it.

What did I do?

We're redoing the apartment

for tomorrow night. Goddamn it.

This is for the in-laws, right?

Right. We have to get rid

of everything that's over the top.

That's a lot.

You'll have to get a uniform

and dress like a butler.

No.

I'll look like a fag.

But you'll look like

a fag in a uniform.

'Don't ask, don't tell.'

Start tomorrow morning.

I'll get Albert out early.

Where will I get a uniform?

I'll say, 'Albert, you must go

for a few days.'

Ay, Dio.

It'll be hard.

I got so much to do.

Pop.

Thank you.

Do me a favor, Val.

Don't talk to me for a while.

Kevin, please,

let's charter a plane.

No!

We can't get out of the car.

The second we get out of the car,

we'll be spotted.

How I love the sun.

Yes, it's glorious, isn't it?

You know, you could use some more sun.

Take a few days off. You look tired.

What do you mean?

Nothing.

Don't kill yourselves

with this thing.

Who put 'Playboy'

in the bathroom?

Leave it.

It's what they read.

Don't add.

Just subtract.

Please hurry. This place has

to look respectable by six.

Cyril, that's too short.

I want that nice Armani break

in the front.

But don't just pull it. Do it

down there. I got high-waters here.

That's it.

- But you must have meant something.

- I meant you looked tired.

Tired means old. 'You look tired'

means you look old.

'You look rested'

means you had collagen.

You look wonderful.

Let's go shopping.

No, I want to go home.

On a day like this?

I'll buy you anything you want.

Anything?

I'll have to change my shoes.

- I'll buy you some.

- I need peds.

- I'll buy you sandals.

- What's going on? Why can't we go home?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Then I'll see you upstairs.

What?

- I hurt my thing.

- Your what?

My ankle. I don't think

I can make it upstairs.

Wait here.

I'll bring down some ice.

No, no!

Why not?

Oh, my arm!

My arm.

I hate it when you get hysterical.

Don't leave me!

What is that?

I got it from the antique store

next door. Too butch?

Don't add.

You're blocking my way.

Put the moose on the patio.

Don't be such a baby.

Be careful!

I can't move any faster.

Lean on me.

I need a doctor.

Don't be silly.

It isn't even swollen.

We should go to the emergency room.

You're overreacting. Don't be

such a baby. Just sit down on...

We've been robbed.

Albie, no.

I've just taken a few things out.

They'll be returned

by the time you're back.

Back?

Where am I going?

You didn't tell him.

What?

Tell me what?

Val's fiancée is coming tonight

with her parents.

We thought it would...

be better if you weren't here.

I see.

I see.

It's just for tonight.

I understand.

Just while people are here.

It's all right, my darling.

It's nothing.

It's painful...

but it's not important.

I'm leaving.

It's just one night, Albert.

The monster...

the freak is leaving.

You're safe.

That went well.

Albert!

Will you listen?

Go away. I hate you!

I never want to see you again.

My heart is breaking.

Please, don't cry.

It's okay. You can stay.

I won't stay

where I'm not wanted.

Where I can be thrown out

on a whim without legal rights.

I have the palimony papers.

You're lying again.

This is too much for me.

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