The Birdcage Page #5

Too much ugliness.

Too much pain.

Feel my pulse.

Am I all right?

My goodness, it's very fast.

Let's get you out of the sun.

- Waiter! Water.

- Right away.

It's the end.

I know it is.

No, it isn't.

Just breathe.

Thank you, Rodrigo.

And the usual.

Right away, Señor Goldman.

There you go.

Thank you.

That's better.

This is not about you.

The girl's parents are a**holes.

Val is crazy about you.

Is he?

Oh, that helps.

Oh, you're so sweet.

That water is so cool.

Maybe it is a bit much to introduce me

as his mother on the first visit.

Could you say

I was a visiting relative?

Val's uncle?

Uncle Al?

What's the point?

To be Val's gay uncle?

I could play it straight.

Oh, please.

Look at you, at how you hold your glass.

Look at your pinky, your posture.

What about you? You're obviously

not a cultural... whatever it is.

You've never been to a museum,

and you eat like a pig.

These conservatives don't care

if you're a pig, just if you're a fag.

Oh, f*** them.

Of course you can pass as an uncle.

You're a great performer.

I'm a great director.

Together we can do anything.

Oh, Armand.

Really?

Absolutely.

We've got five hours.

First, get your pinky down.

It's up again.

And your posture.

My God! Are you crazy?

What are you doing?

Stop screaming!

I'm teaching you to act like a man.

All right, all right.

It's a dinner party.

Let's work with food.

Spread some mustard on the toast.

Don't use the spoon.

And don't dribble dots of mustard.

You take your knife...

and you smear.

Men smear.

Smear. Yeah.

Get the goddamn pinky down! Make your

fingers like iron. Stop trembling!

Hold the knife boldly, with strength.

[SHRIEKS] Oh, God!

I pierced the toast!

So what? Just remember not

to go to pieces when that happens.

React like a man, calmly.

You say to yourself, 'Albert, you

pierced the toast. So what?'

It's not the end of your life.

'Albert, you pierced the toast.

So what?'

Of course.

There's no need to get hysterical.

All I have to remember is,

I can always get more toast.

That's the spirit.

Let's try walking.

- Holding the sandwich?

- It doesn't matter. Just walk.

Down!

Too swishy?

Let me give you an image.

It's a cliché, but it's an image:

John Wayne.

Couldn't we start

with someone easier?

Come on.

You're a big fan.

He has a very distinctive walk.

Very easy to imitate.

And if anyone was a man... Now try it.

Now just get off your horse

and head into the saloon.

Nice touch.

Howdy, ma'am.

No good?

Actually, it's perfect. I never

realized John Wayne walked like that.

Hang on.

This guy's a f***ing maniac.

What's in South Beach?

Armand Goldman,

you old so-and-so.

How about those Dolphins?

Screaming queen?

Stick your hand out sideways,

not palm down.

- I'm going to shake it, not kiss it.

- Right.

And tighten your wrist.

No, straighten it,

then tighten it.

Al, you old so-and-so.

- I just said that.

- Now I'm saying it.

Okay.

Straighten, tighten.

Al, you old son of a b*tch!

How do you feel about that call today?

The Dolphins, in the fourth on their

30-yard line with only 34 seconds to go.

How do you think I feel?

Betrayed. Bewildered.

Wrong response?

I'm not sure.

Take it from the top.

This is very exciting.

- It is, fella.

- Right on, amigo!

- Damn straight.

- Damn straight!

- F***in' a!

- F***in' a, right!

[YELPS]

Swing that by me again,

little buddy.

- (man) Hey!

- I'm terribly sorry.

Take it easy.

You take it easy, pilgrim.

- He bumped into me.

- Tough gazongas.

Why are you being a prick?

Why are you being an a**hole?

Are you calling me an a**hole?

Actually, I'm talking

to the a**hole behind you.

See, the swelling's already gone down.

It's nothing.

You were magnificent, marvelous,

very masculine.

I'm so proud of you.

That big gorilla looked ridiculous

when he sat on you...

and banged your head on the ground.

He didn't even know how to box.

Thank you, Vallie.

You're a dear.

I'll get you some more ice.

Be right back, love.

Dad, could we hire a straight maid

for tonight?

There are no straight maids

in South Beach.

And I have more bad news for you.

I told Albert he could stay.

You did what?

Why?

Why? Because he told me

his heart was breaking...

and he's my friend and companion.

Who will we say he is?

Your uncle.

My uncle?

Let's just forget the whole thing.

Don't be so negative!

Have a little hope!

About what? Once they see you

and Albert together...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I was feeling so good, and now...

God, what a mess.

What we really need is a woman.

We could get away with Albert as

an uncle if we had a woman as a mother.

Ironic, isn't it?

When you need a woman...

Why don't I ask your mother?

My mother wouldn't do it.

Would she?

How do we know?

Because she hasn't seen me in 20 years.

That's a good indication.

No, 20 years ago she was a young girl--

scared, broke, but now...

You can't be serious!

It's very unfair of you

to try to talk Val into this. He--

She'd do it?

My mother?

Oh, my God.

Armand?

I don't believe it. It's been

a hundred years. Where are you?

I'll be there in 5 minutes.

I can hardly wait.

Me too.

Bye-bye.

She's going to see me.

Why don't I drop you off

at a café?

No, I'll come up with you.

I'm sure there's a waiting room.

Katharine Archer, please.

It's Armand Goldman.

Go right in.

Just sit down.

Excuse us.

Army Goldman.

Katie Archer.

Or is it Mrs. something?

No. I'm between husbands.

Sit down.

I've thought about you

so many times.

Whenever I saw an ad for The Birdcage.

Are you still with Albert?

Yes, we're still together.

And you...

you've done well.

Because of you. The money

you gave me started this place.

You should have

gotten stock for it.

I got Val for it.

It was a fair trade.

Is he...?

How is he?

He's fine.

He wants to get married.

Married?

How old is he?

Twenty.

My God, twenty years.

And today, for the first time,

he really needs you.

Shiny.

Imelda, cancel my appointments

for tonight.

I normally drink vegetable juice

during business hours, but for this...

let's drink to Senator Keeley's daughter

and our Val.

I haven't done much for him

in the last 20 years.

Don't worry about that.

I'm not exactly maternal.

I am.

I'm very maternal.

And Albert's practically a breast.

Do you remember

the show where we met?

Very well.

# Love is in the air

# Different kinds

# Quite clearly

# People everywhere

# Out of their minds

# Act queerly

Wait, wait.

# Wives are at

# their husbands' service

# Virgins are distinctly nervous

# Virgins are distinctly nervous

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