The Birdcage Page #6

# Love is going around

Ah, for the gypsy.

How handsome you were.

How unavailable,

and what a body.

You're embarrassing me.

You were so terrified.

It was so sweet.

I nearly died. I walk into my room,

and there's a woman in my bed!

I paid the doorman twenty dollars.

Twenty dollars in those days.

Oh, God.

I thought, 'What the hell?'

'I'll try it once and see what

those straight guys are raving about.'

How long did we last?

I know exactly.

From 2:
30 till 3:45 a.m. Two times.

# Love is in the air

# Round and about

# This morning

# Bachelors beware

# - Maidens watch out

# - Fair warning

# If you stop to feel a tingle

# And you like remaining single

That's your part.

# Stay home

# Don't take a breath

# You could catch your death

# 'Cause love is around

Sorry.

You're in incredible shape.

And you can still dance.

So can you, Armand.

Thank you.

That's so cool.

Where did all this hair come from?

Wasn't your chest smooth?

I shaved it for the show.

I wanted to look young.

It's much nicer this way--

much more masculine.

So much hair.

Let me touch it.

What a beautiful chain.

Look how it glitters

in that thick, black nest of hair.

Unbutton your shirt.

- Careful, it's silk.

- Let me touch that chest.

- Don't snag it.

- Your beautiful, hairy chest.

I'm sorry.

I couldn't stop him.

Albert?

Is Albert here?

No.

Great. Then he's driving back

from Miami at 20 miles an hour...

with the parking brake on.

I had to take the f***ing bus.

Are we crucifying someone tonight?

You like it?

I traded that stupid moose for it.

And they threw in books.

It all goes back tomorrow.

Is my mother coming?

Yes, she's coming.

Yes.

Thank you.

There. You see?

It all worked out.

I'm only here to get my toothbrush.

Agador...

will you?

It's in the usual place.

I would have loved

to see your children.

Why don't you hold the crucifix?

It's the prop for martyrs.

Oh, yes. Another gibe,

another joke at my expense.

You and Katharine were

probably laughing at me too.

Well, why not?

I'm not young, I'm not new...

and everyone laughs at me.

I'm quite aware

of how ridiculous I am.

The only solution is to go

where nobody is ridiculous.

Where everyone is equal.

Good-bye, Armand.

Wait, Miss Albert!

Don't forget this.

Listen, I don't want you to go.

My poor, devoted Agador.

I'm leaving you my stereo...

- my red boots...

- I don't want them.

- and my wigs.

- Which wigs?

My best wigs.

I won't need them where I'm going.

Okay, I'll bite.

Where are you going?

To Los Copa.

There isn't anything

in Los Copa but a cemetery.

I know.

That's why I'm packing light.

I see.

You're going to the cemetery

with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.

Good-bye, Armand.

Miss Albert, wait!

Don't!

Sh*t!

It'll be better without an uncle.

What did you do to him?

He goes to a cemetery!

- Calm down!

- Why?

Because you have to

start cooking dinner.

I'm going after f***ing Albert.

Can you...

You can cook, right?

Your father seems to think so.

My cemetery is in Key Biscayne.

It's one of the prettiest

in the world.

There are lovely trees,

the sky is blue, there are birds.

The one in Los Copa

is really sh*t.

What a pain in the ass you are.

It's true. You're not young,

and you're not new...

and you do make people laugh.

I'm still with you

because you make me laugh.

So now I have to sell my plot

in Key Biscayne...

so I can be next to you

in that shithole Los Copa...

so I never miss a laugh.

What's this?

Read it.

I don't understand.

It's the palimony agreement.

I told you I had it.

It says I have the right to give you

half of everything I own.

It's safer,

if something happens to one of us.

But who owns it now?

You do.

I don't want it.

Then give me half.

Quick, give me a pen.

I don't want all of this, Armand.

Sign it.

There. We're partners.

You own half my life,

and I own half of yours.

Half the club?

What does it matter?

Take it all.

I'm 50 years old.

There's only one place I call home,

and it's because you're there.

What difference does it make if I say

you can stay, or you say I can stay?

It's ours.

She's gone, Mr. Goldman.

But she always checks in.

Sure, I'll take a message.

Go ahead.

Don't come...

The Reverend Al Sharpton

said today that...

Jackson's last words, 'Your money's

on the dresser, Chocolate.' were racist.

The prostitute's given name

was Natumbundra.

That idiot Jackson!

Now the blacks will start.

Barbara's wedding will

disassociate us from all this.

The Colemans are a perfect family.

They've never been divorced, have they?

See?

We're on our way to salvation.

And it was a question of Albert

or your mother.

So I had to choose.

And I chose Albert.

You understand that, don't you?

I knew you would.

I can't get this damn tie even.

Well, the jacket will cover it.

I look like my grandfather

in this suit.

He always dressed like this.

He killed himself at 30.

Any last instructions?

Just don't walk unless you have to.

And don't gesture.

That all?

Don't talk...

too much.

Who cares?

This won't work.

Come on! Don't be so negative.

I think we can pull this off.

What?

No good?

Why?

I'm dressed just the way you are.

I took off all my rings.

I'm not wearing any makeup.

I'm just...

a 'guy.'

What about those?

Those?

Well, one does want a hint of color.

You're thinking

that dressed this way...

I'm even more obvious,

aren't you?

You're right.

I just wanted so much to help you.

And you hate me.

You both hate me.

We don't hate you.

...better treat me right

She works hard for the money

So hard for it, honey

I work hard for the money

So you better treat me right

That's right

Better put your shoes on.

It's late.

There's no point

in my putting shoes on, sir.

I never wear shoes

because they make me fall down.

Just put your shoes on!

And talk in your normal voice.

Give me a break.

Okay.

Armand?

It's Katharine.

I'm in the car, and I got...

a message telling me not to come.

No, that was a mistake.

He said not to come late. I was there.

I thought my secretary got it wrong.

I should be there in half an hour.

Is this Val?

Val, I want you to know how...

happy I am that

I can do this for you.

I know it's a little late.

No, it's fine.

Thanks for this.

So, um, see you in half an hour...

Mom.

Did you just say,

'See you in half an hour, Mom'?

- Was that?

- Yes.

You can't call her back.

She's in the car.

Are you crazy?

Albert is hysterical now. You know

what he'll do if Katharine comes?

Nothing.

He won't embarrass me.

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