The Birdcage Page #7

It was my mother.

I couldn't tell her not to come.

Pop, without her I'm screwed.

You know that.

So this is hell.

And there's a crucifix in it.

This is less like Palm Beach

than I imagined.

It was all sand

when they bought here.

This grew up around them

while they were in Greece.

He's locked himself in. If we're lucky,

he won't come out at all.

I'm not religious, and I'm Jewish. But

if things go well, I'd appreciate it.

Speaking of Jewish, Barbara told

her parents our last name is Coleman.

Thanks.

Coming.

Perfect.

It's the shoes.

Good evening.

I am Spartacus, the Goldmans' butler.

Please, come--

Come in.

Is that Goldman?

Coldman, Coldman.

Spartacus is, uh...

- Guatemalan.

- new.

Val, this is my father

and my mother.

This is Val Coleman.

Coleman or Coldman?

Coleman.

The 'd' is silent.

My father.

My daughter, Barbara.

Delighted.

My husband.

Extremely honored.

You have a very forceful handshake.

You have to in Greece.

My mother won't be here

for another 15 minutes.

She's with my grandparents

in Palm Beach.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Having contact

between the generations.

Yes.

Won't you come in?

How's the leg?

My father has an old football injury.

A fellow sufferer.

Where did you play?

- Greece.

- Miami U.

What an interesting room.

Don't you think this room is nice?

Well, yes.

A very, very...

pleasant vacation house.

I like it's, uh, severity.

Dad uses this place more for work and...

reflection than anything else.

So it's not so much

a vacation house as a--

Monastery.

Well, it's just charming.

And look at these lovely old books.

Look at this.

'Nancy Drew and the Case

of the Burning Candle.'

You have the whole series.

Uh, they're my mother's.

Sit down!

Please.

Shall we have champagne to celebrate?

Oh, how nice.

- Agador!

- Spartacus!

Agador Spartacus! He insists

on being called by his full name.

We'd like the champagne now.

Over there?

Okay, thanks.

God bless you.

They went in around the corner.

That's the side entrance

to this building. The club?

Let's check it out.

You have such a responsibility,

two houses.

When did you buy this one?

About 15 years ago.

The area was mostly Jewish then.

Really? Barbara told us

it was mostly sand.

Yes. Well, you know the old saying,

'Where there's sand...'

Here we go.

Champagne for everyone.

And a scotch, if you have it.

Is someone else home?

Just our dog, Piranha. We always lock

her in when there's company.

I'll finish pouring.

Go finish dinner.

He's a brilliant chef. He just has

a lot to learn about serving.

Where could the wife be?

He was so weird.

No, I really was.

I was like,

'Will you marry me?'

She was like,

'Didn't you say no way before thirty?'

It was so funny.

Yes, it does sound funny.

How was your trip, Senator?

A nice trip.

Very nice.

We decided to drive down

to see the seasons change.

It was a long trip, though:

Virginia, Kentucky...

Tennessee...

Georgia.

It was just so magical to come

from the North, where it's cold...

to the South,

where it's warm...

and see the tremendous differences

from region to region...

in this incredible country

of ours.

My wife and I

used to go to Virginia...

every autumn

to see the foliage turn.

Virginia has amazing foliage...

although I do think that

the foliage in Ohio is underrated.

It's just dazzling along I-75.

Just dazzling.

We would go down to Virginia,

to get away for a while.

To see the wonderful farms,

the countryside.

I'm stuck in traffic.

Start dinner without me.

The hills, the mountains.

Talk about

'purple mountains' majesty.'

Just fantastic.

Red leaves, purple mountains...

green fields.

And the roads.

Black...

cutting through the green.

All the colors.

The trees.

Pennsylvania's nice too.

Was that my wife?

Just now on the phone?

I think it was.

I was just so caught up.

Val, was that Mom?

Yeah. She's stuck.

We're to start dinner without her.

I would have picked up, but I was

so interested in the senator's...

story.

Oh, it wasn't that good.

It was wonderful.

Will you excuse me? I should tell

Agador Spartacus this news.

Would you excuse us?

I've never had so much

go so wrong so quickly.

This is like a curse!

Dad, what do we do?

Do we wait for her or do we--

You're soaking!

I'm sweating

like some farm animal.

- I can't do this.

- We can do this! Work with me.

Something very odd is going on.

It's this thing with Jackson.

The wife doesn't want to see us,

and the father's a wreck.

I'm sure that's not it.

No, it's something else. Something

about the father and the butler.

- It's nothing!

- It is something.

It's not!

You always think the worst.

- I don't!

- You always do!

- Val's mother is just late.

- Listen, young lady!

She's late!

- Watch yourself, young lady!

- Here they come.

Excuse me.

Well, we'll...

give her a half hour,

and if she isn't--

Here I am!

Oh, please...

forgive me for being so late,

but traffic was unbelievable!

Senator Keeley, Mrs. Keeley...

I'm so happy

to meet you at last.

You must be Barbara.

What a pretty child.

Come give me a hug.

Don't be afraid.

Oh, how adorable.

She's shy.

How nice to meet you,

Mrs. Coleman.

Goldman.

Isn't the 'd' silent?

It is pronounced Coleman, isn't it?

We've had some confusion.

Oh, yes.

Coleman.

The 'd' is silent in America.

It's Cole d'isle au Man,

or Cole of the Isle of Man in France...

where Armand's chateau is...

Cole d'man in Greece

where Armand's work is...

and finally, the vulgar Coleman

in Florida, where Armand's home is.

So, we never know where we are

until we hear our last name pronounced.

That explains it.

At last.

I would like to hug you,

Mrs. Coleman.

Oh, my dear child!

Welcome.

Look at this.

This is our footage for the show

on Jackson. Pump up the sound.

We're here at what

they're calling Camp Keeley...

Where you driving him?

South Beach, Florida.

Where is this?

Keeley's house last night.

The fat guy...

is with the 'National Inquirer.'

Harry Radman.

Oh, yeah. My God, he's put on so much

weight since the Simpson case.

This should go to the network.

It's so wonderful

what you've done here.

Everything is

so simple and uncluttered.

Our house is a sea of papers.

You men.

You're the biggest babies.

They can run the world...

but can't pick out a tie.

I know. I can't get

this big lug to buy a new suit.

Armand, they're picking on us.

Oh, well...

bless them.

That's the way nature made them.

Maybe I'm just

an old-fashioned girl...

but I pity the woman who's too busy

to take care of her man.

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