The Birdcage Page #8

Hear, hear! It's so nice

to meet people like you.

Our kind of people.

C-o-l-e-m-a-n.

There's no first name on the bell.

Sure?

They can't find them.

What about the name in front

of the club? Goldman? That's close.

You're right.

Wouldn't that be something?

Try Goldman.

What was it?

Armand Goldman.

It's so odd to me,

this fuss over school prayer.

As if anyone--

Jews, Muslims, whatever...

would mind if their children

prayed in the classroom.

It's insane.

Thank you, Agador Spartacus!

You may go.

He's very nice, but such a problem.

We never know what makes him laugh.

At least he speaks English.

We have been through more chauffeurs

in the last six months.

And the maids we've been through

in the last six years!

Rodney, Bruno, Chuck--

Look!

You all need more ice.

I have a good feeling

about you people.

Not a lot of clever books on

the shelves, no fancy art on the walls.

Just the crucifix and a lot

of good, warm, family feeling.

This is what Clinton

didn't understand...

when he started in on school prayer

and gays in the military.

More ice for you.

There's an idiotic issue.

Gays in the military!

I mean, those haircuts,

those uniforms. Who cares?

Mom, don't talk about things

you don't know about.

Don't patronize your mother.

She's amazingly intelligent.

I think homosexuality--

A lot more ice for you!

More for me, Dad.

is weakening this country.

That's what I thought until I found out

Alexander the Great was a fag.

Talk about gays in the military!

How about those Dolphins?

I'll get it.

I think we're skirting

an issue here...

that has Mr. Coleman

very nervous.

And I don't blame him.

You must have heard

about how Senator Jackson died.

Oh, that.

Yes, what an ugly story.

Of course, we don't believe

a word of it.

What do you mean?

He was obviously framed.

I, for one,

would like an autopsy.

Uh, Mom...

That's just what

Rush Limbaugh said.

Excuse me.

The tension. It's like riding a

psychotic horse toward a burning stable.

Dinner is going to be late, okay?

'Cause you give me

so little time to shop.

The girl is nice.

I owe it to Val. Growing up the way

he did, it can't have been easy.

I'm sorry to laugh at Miss Albert,

but what is that hairdo?

F*** it! It's one night.

I can live through it.

Of course, it's wrong to kill

an abortion doctor.

- Many pro-lifers...

- Dad?

I don't agree with them,

but many sincerely feel...

I'm here, son.

stop the doctors,

you stop the abortions.

That's ridiculous.

The doctors are only doing their jobs.

Better to kill the mothers.

That will stop them.

May I see you a moment, dear?

I know, I know. If you kill

the mother, the fetus dies too.

But the fetus is going to be aborted,

so let it go down with the ship.

I really must see you now.

Excuse me.

I assure you...

Mother is just following a train

of thought to a logical...

yet absurd, conclusion.

Very much the way

Jonathan Swift did...

when he suggested that Irish peasants

feed their babies to the rich.

Well, I know one thing

about your mother.

She's a passionate woman who follows

her heart. And I love her.

So Goldman owns the club...

lives above it,

owns the building, and he's gay.

We are in 'Inquirer' heaven.

# I could have danced all night

# I could have danced all night

# And still have begged for more

You have a beautiful voice.

# I could have spread my wings

# And done a thousand things

# I've never done before

Your mother should know

I want a career and marriage.

Barbara, Albert isn't my mother.

He's a drag queen.

That's right.

I keep forgetting.

He just sounds

so much like a mother.

# I only know when he

# Began to dance with me

# I could have danced, danced, danced

# All night

Bravo!

What a lovely voice you have,

Agador Spartacus.

Thank you. Thank you, all.

Dinner is served.

Wonderful. This way, Senator.

You know, I played Eliza in high school.

I'll bet you were lovely.

Go inside. I'll tape a note

to Katharine to the door.

Mrs. Keeley over there,

and the senator on my right.

Val over here.

And Barbara, dear, please sit.

You are the most gracious hostess.

Oh, thank you so much.

I'm having such a wonderful time.

This is what

I've always dreamed of...

a big, loving family gathered

around the table...

the way it was

when I was a girl.

That's the way we grew up too.

It was a wonderful world then,

wasn't it? Happy families and...

everyone speaking English

and no drugs and no AIDS.

Easy on the wine, Mom.

What interesting china!

It looks like young men

playing leapfrog.

Is it Greek?

I-- I...

I have no idea.

I've never seen these bowls before.

Really?

Barbara, get me my glasses, dear.

They're in my purse by the chair.

Where are my glasses?

It is Greek.

Greek boys, actually.

Uh, naked Greek boys.

And girls!

Doesn't your bowl have girls?

- I have one.

- So do I! Oh, look!

There.

I think that's a girl.

Then you haven't seen one

in a long time. That's a boy.

I may need glasses,

but I can see that.

I couldn't find your glasses.

Maybe they're in the car.

I have mine.

Here.

Hurry, you idiot!

They're looking at the bowls.

What kind of moron puts out bowls

without looking at them!

Stop ladling!

Give me the pot!

- You can't serve out of that!

- Move!

Wait!

There's shrimps.

Let's see what they're doing.

Here we go.

Agador's superb soup. We're in luck.

He doesn't make this for everyone.

This is his specialty,

seafood chowder.

Isn't that an egg?

Why, yes, it is.

It is a huevo.

This is so Guatemala.

They put eggs in everything

down there...

because chicken is

so important to them.

It's their only real currency.

A woman is said to be

worth her weight in hens.

A man's wealth is measured

by the size of his cock.

Will you excuse me?

What the hell is this?

Sweet-and-sour peasant soup.

Why'd you say it was seafood chowder?

- What the hell is that?

- I don't know. I made it up!

God, this is a nightmare.

Where are you staying in Florida?

With the Jeb Bushes,

on Fisher Island.

Fisher Island.

Such a lovely spot.

My parents lived on Fisher Island

until they died.

I thought you were visiting

your parents in Palm Beach.

What?

Yes, uh... now...

that they're dead.

They moved...

were moved... because...

well...

my mother always said,

'Live on Fisher Island...

get buried in Palm Beach...

that way you'll

have the best of Florida.'

Dad, get in there.

Everything is going to hell.

He didn't make an entree.

What?

You mean we just have soup?

Peasant soup is an entree.

It's like stew!

Why do you think I put

so much in it?

Shut up!

Put Katharine's note

on the downstairs door.

I have to go back before

they get to the bottom of the bowls.

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