The Birdcage Page #9

I had so much to do.

You give me no time to shop!

Shut up!

It's okay!

We're all right!

Shut up, goddamn you!

Stop crying! Goddamn you!

Don't just stand there!

She'll be here any minute! Go!

Goddamn it!

F*** the shrimp!

Oh, my God.

That's it. That's it.

That's the Lincoln.

Park here.

The street's jammed.

This is an intersection.

So? We're the press.

'Katharine, do not go upstairs.

I'll call you tomorrow. Armand.'

This is going to be great.

From that day on, they looked

for a cemetery they really loved...

instead of eating tofu.

Daddy favored Key Biscayne, but--

Time for dessert.

You get everything done?

Shall we have our coffee

in the living room?

No, it's his town car.

I am looking at it.

We're in the middle of a bunch

of drag clubs. I don't know.

We got authorization.

So, three?

So, where are they?

They went around the corner, there.

So what do you think

of these kids getting married?

Well, she's only eighteen,

and he's only twenty, so I--

Good God. That sounds like

it's coming from downstairs.

It must be coming

from that nightclub around the corner.

This must be the same building.

You're joking! I always thought

that was someone's television set.

Now, Mother, you know

we live above a nightclub.

She's traveled around the world,

but deep down...

she's still a girl

from Grover's Corners.

I'm afraid I am a bit naive.

Don't be ashamed

of Grover's Corners.

It's not a chateau,

but it's a darn good place to call home.

Thank you.

I will remember that.

Of course, Armand is

much more sophisticated than I am.

But then,

he comes from such good stock.

Just like

these two adorable youngsters.

Don't you agree?

- Where's the bathroom?

- I'll show you.

- No, I want Mother Coleman to show me.

- My dear child!

One kiss, darling.

- I'm only going to the bathroom.

- We'll all go.

I think you're all crazy.

My men!

Isn't this wonderful?

All of us together.

This is so moving.

I think I'm going to cry!

Something very strange

is going on.

I know.

I mean, that dinner.

I know there was something

on those bowls.

And the son disappearing

while we were eating.

- I know just what's going on.

- You do?

It's the oldest story

in the world.

What is it?

She's a small town girl...

and he's a pretentious European--

the worst kind.

Him and his Cole d' whatever.

And his decadent china.

I've seen it all before.

Aristotle Onassis was like this.

And all of the French,

especially Mitterand.

And the English.

Not Margaret Thatcher, of course.

But I bet John Major has something on

the side. And she can't handle it.

- Who?

- Mrs. Coleman.

Why should she care

about John Major?

No.

Mrs. Coleman can't handle him.

Coleman and his nasty little

European traditions.

And his snobbery.

And that dig about Grover's Corners.

Kevin, you're rambling.

Well, it makes me furious.

The contempt he has for her.

Did you see him when she talked?

He looked almost frightened.

He won't let her run the house.

He's in the kitchen. He serves.

He tells that beige savage

what to do.

What?

I'm so sorry.

I've ruined everything!

Don't be silly. No one noticed the wig.

Where's the spirit gum?

They took everything away.

I have a barrette. If you don't

move your head, it might work.

Thank you.

You're a very sweet girl.

I'm so sorry, Val.

You didn't have this kind

of sympathy for poor Bessie Jackson!

Bessie Jackson is

an insensitive cow.

This woman is a lady.

You know, she'll be your in-law too.

If he's so terrible, maybe your daughter

shouldn't marry his son!

He's not terrible in that way.

He won't get mixed up in some scandal.

I've never really seen

you before.

I don't even know who you are!

You're not worried about Barbara.

You only think of your career.

And poor little Mrs. Coleman!

You're as worried about my career

as I am. You pushed for the marriage.

Barbara can handle that boy.

She's modern, tough as nails.

Poor Mrs. Coleman cries if you call

her 'Mother.' She's that vulnerable.

It breaks my heart.

They don't make women like that anymore.

Hello!

I'm home!

I forgot my key.

Who is it?

Val's mother, Mrs. Goldman.

Is Armand there?

Val's mother?

Mrs. Goldman?

So this is the whole story.

The bastard has a live-in mistress.

I'll get the door.

No, you're in the wrong house!

Good evening. May I take your purse,

as usual? Or...

for the first time.

You must be Senator and Mrs. Keeley.

Katharine Goldman. Delighted to

meet you. I'm sorry I'm so late--

Sorry to take so long, but Barbara--

What is she doing here?

Let me explain.

Please do.

Explain to all of us.

I don't want to embarrass

this lovely lady...

but how many mothers

does Val have?

This woman introduced herself...

as Val's mother.

How many mothers does he have?

Just one.

This is my mother.

My father owns the club downstairs.

My mother is the star.

What?

We lied to you, Barbara and I.

And everyone lied for us.

These are my parents.

This is my wife.

This is the lady who had Val.

Nice to meet you, Katharine.

Very nice, Val.

You've done a good job.

Thank you.

We're very proud of him.

I don't understand.

Barbara, the nightclub downstairs,

he owns it?

He's not a cultural attaché?

No. And he isn't married

to a housewife.

And their name is Goldman,

not Coleman.

They're Jewish.

I don't understand.

He's a man.

They're both men.

No. You can't be Jewish.

No, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.

Kevin, this is a man.

What?

Don't you see?

They're gay.

They own the drag club downstairs.

They're two men.

Senator Keeley...

this may not help, but I want you

to know I meant every word I said...

about a return to family values

and a stricter moral code.

I feel like I'm insane.

It's really very simple.

She called you Mother Coleman.

Kevin, nothing has changed.

It's still me.

With one tiny difference.

Well, not tiny.

I don't understand.

I'll explain in the car.

Come on, Barbara. Let's go.

I'm not coming.

Barbara, please don't do this to me.

I may not be as vulnerable

as Mrs. Coleman...

but I still have feelings.

Somebody has to like me best.

Take it easy, Louise.

Barbara, we're leaving now.

- You're coming with us.

- Daddy, please.

I've made your mother cry.

I'm up for reelection.

We're in the middle

of a scandal.

I'm in the home of a gay couple

who own a drag club.

You want to get married, but how many

lives must you ruin to do it?

I...

I would have liked to have

had you as my family.

I just want to say,

Mr. and Mrs., uh, Mr...

Rate this script:4.0 / 3 votes