The Borderlands

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Rosetta's in intensive care and the rest

of them, they've just disappeared. Gone!

Everything's gone to hell.

Get that camera off me!

5-80-pro times four, got about

a dozen more in the car.

Check. Head cam set times three -

that's one, two... Where

the hell is the other one?

Ah, modelled by the handsome

man in the mirror.

What else?

Got my LED, two D - yes.

My work light - yes.

F*** it, let's get some coffee.

Bollocks.

Alright, mate. You're Deacon?

I'm Gray.

Hi.

- I'm the tech specialist.

You not worked with one before?

Well, basically I'm in

charge of the camera,

the microphones, all that kind of stuff.

What do you make of the luxury cottage?

Right now running water

sounds like luxury.

You're not local?

- F***, no.

Christ, I couldn't live around here.

There's no Wi-Fi, no broadband, no cable.

Basically it's like the middle ages.

You wanna see the room?

- Yeah, that'll be good.

Come on.

Me and you are in here, man.

We're sharing?

We're sharing?

- Yeah, well, the main man

gets the master bedroom.

Do you know him? Something Amidon.

Mark?

- Yeah, that's it.

Great.

- I left a load of crap

on your bed, but I'll sort all

that out. You want a beer?

Tell you what, you sort out the

bed and I'll put the kettle on.

Well, I didn't do a Breathalyzer

test but he seemed sober enough.

For a Scotsman anyway.

Yeah, I know, I am serious.

It just makes me uncomfortable,

all this Big Brother sh*t.

I'm a techie, mate. If you

want your audio clean,

your white balance shiny,

then I'm your man, but...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the bonus

is very generous, but...

By the way, is that

gonna be paid in cash?

Because it makes the paper

work a bit... Oh, I'd better go.

I made you tea.

- Cheers, mate.

Women, ey...

- I wouldn't know.

Deacon! Deacon, come on, mate.

Let's get you kitted out.

This is ridiculous.

- Well maybe,

but it's also regulations.

Oh come on, mate.

I've been wearing mine two days already

and I can barely even notice

it's there anymore.

That's it.

- You probably enjoy it.

Right, listen. Rule number one: I

am not wearing this in the toilet,

not unless the toilet is weeping

blood or something.

Alright, fine. When you have a poo

or a shower you can take it off,

but the rest of the time

they want it on, alright?

I've been promoted to tripod.

It's all been since Belem. Apparently they

had massive gaps in the timeline at Belem

and they wanna plug them using these.

Morning.

- Yeah.

Crap-

Deacon, where's your head cam?

Look mate, it's not you who

gets it in the neck, alright?

Please. I'll sort that out. Please.

What have you done here?

Get a wiggle on, mate.

Yep, alright.

- What are you doing?

Going to have a fag. You mind if I smoke?

- Yes.

Excuse me...

What?

You know it's like, you can't imagine this

place is gonna be the stuff of legend,

like the Arthurian legend in years to come.

- Name me a place that is.

Camelot?

Betting shop, fish bar, laundry.

That's life in miniature.

Food, cleanliness and a

little bit of naughty.

So how long you've worked for

the congregation, Deacon?

So I imagine you must have seen

a lot of insane and spooky stuff.

I don't know about you dude,

but I'm looking forward

to seeing some really wired sh*t.

Is there anything I should...

- Yeah.

Don't get your hopes up.

Dude, have you just bought booze?

It's gone, it's back, it's gone,

it's back. It's gone, it's back!

Come here.

Where are we?

- Hang on, where are we...

The village, the church...

Right, that's the cottage just

there and there's the church.

Look on the map. You know the

sign for a church, don't you?

It's a little round thing with a

cross, see if you can find it.

It's in this area here.

You can't just dial it into a computer.

"Nutsley".

Yeah well, that's not where

the church is. Look here!

"Bullshurst".

"Bullcone". "Bullcone". "Bullcone".

Yeah, it says "Bullcone".

Nah.

- Dude, come on!

No, good luck. No really, it's fine.

You go for it. I'll come back.

You're a misery guts!

- I'll come back.

No, alright, I'll get the corners done,

then you can do the fun

bit - filling in the middle.

Yeah, perfect, okay.

I'll see you around March!

I got a corner!

It's a bit late for the bells, isn't it?

Yeah.

Dude, the rules are very clear.

We need to wait for the -what's his

name?- the Realtor General, Amidon.

Relator, and he should've

been here yesterday.

Dude, even so.

- Right, fine. I'm now going up to the site.

But you know I'm not very technical

inclined. I just hope

all this delicate equipment doesn't...

- Dude, calm down, man!

You've ever known any Buddhists, Deacon?

Sorry?

- Have you ever known any Buddhists?

I had a girlfriend who was a Buddhist;

she did a vow of silence,

it was f***ing brilliant!

You know, the accelerator is

not an on-off button, Gray.

It's something you can press

and depress gently.

Yeah, well, I just turn around.

There we go. Thanks mate. Tit!

Are we there yet?

- No, f***ing sat-nav's f***ed.

It has taken us in a

massive shitty circle.

Yeah, ask this fella here.

He looks like an agreeable

local bumpkin type.

Hi, can you tell us where the

church is round here please?

Yeah, you know, it's a big pointy

building with a spire on top.

Please be quiet.

- God's house!

Please be quiet.

- Alright.

His name's father Crellick.

Right, okay... Thanks very much for

your time. Sorry to bother you.

Have a cracking day, mate!

- Have a good trip.

Good luck with it!

Can you smell that?

It's cows.

I hate cows.

Why do people do this?

Satanists, supposedly. They

record messages on them.

Spells, curses, that sort of thing...

- Curses?

I got it.

Oh dude.

That's nature for you, Deacon.

Big stuff eating little stuff.

One glance in the bible

will tell you that.

Or take the miracle of Lanciano.

In the year 700 a Basilian monk had doubts

over the actual physical presence

of Jesus Christ in the holy Eucharist.

While he was performing the

ceremony, before his eyes

the bread and the wine transformed

into chunks of living flesh.

The question is:
Do you give cows names?

My mate at school, Scott Andrews,

he said he gives his cows names,

or did when he was a kid,

and then they couldn't kill them.

They got like attached to them

and then that cow ended up living

with them for like about 14 years -

the life span of a cow. They said

it was a massive pain in the arse.

Cheery stuff.

You alright?

I'm alright, yeah. Just

hanging with my home boy.

Afternoon, Barry.

Father Crellick?

I think you've been expecting us.

Oh yes, of course! I wasn't sure

what time you'd be arriving.

The Relator General has been delayed

but I'm Deacon and this is Gray.

Alright.

I was under the impression that you fellows

would make me feel underdressed.

"You all shall be dressed in humility,

for God resists the proud"

"and gives grace to the humble."

I'll show you where it happened.

- Thank you.

The decision of dedication

that you make today

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