The Boys Are Back Page #2

I'm his father. It's my decision.

- I think you're making a big mistake.

- Wouldn't be the first time.

Give Nana a kiss.

- Bye, Nana.

- Bye-bye, darling.

Bye.

All the wild horses

All the wild horses

Tethered with tears in their eyes

May no man's touch ever tame

May no man's reigns ever chain you

And may no man's weight...

Can we get a car like that?

- A convertible?

- One without a roof.

Why?

So Mummy can see me in the car

and drop down messages to me.

Can we?

Hey. What are you doing? Stop it.

Artie. Stop it.

Artie. Stop it!

What is it? What's the matter?

Are you hungry? Do you want a drink?

Talk to me, sweetheart. What is it?

We'll go to the shop, okay?

We'll go to the shop

and I'll get you a juice and some crisps.

Yeah? Does that sound good?

Are you going to come in

and help me choose?

I don't want orange juice.

What are you talking about?

You always have orange.

I said

I don't want orange juice.

Artie... Artie, it's all right.

Look, there's crisps, okay?

You're hungry. Just eat some crisps.

Oh, for God's sake.

What can you do?

Pick him up. He's upset. Comfort him.

- Give him a cuddle.

- He doesn't want me to.

- Rubbish.

- Well, it's like he's having a fit.

You don't cuddle people

when they're having a fit, do you?

- You're vile.

- True.

I couldn't leave him like that.

Talk to him.

The trouble is, it's not me he wants.

It's you.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

That's all right.

What are you up to in there?

Artie?

Can I do it again, Daddy?

- Oh, my God.

- Can I, Daddy? Can I?

Please, can I? Can I?

Yes.

Here goes!

Again! Again!

Hang on. Hang on.

You need some more water.

Big splash coming up!

Artie?

Sweetheart...

I'm the king of the rock!

Welcome back, travelers.

I think it's a chocolate...

- Here you go, mate.

- Thanks.

What's the second number?

Eat up, Daniel. Come on.

- He won't eat, Mummy.

- Digby.

- Thanks, Miriam.

- Okay. Back in a minute.

- Come on, bubby. Oh!

- You're going to love this.

Excuse, darling.

It's our little feeding ritual.

Come on, bubba.

There's some water in there.

Where's Daddy? Where is he?

There he is.

Where's Daddy? Look! Open up.

Whoa! Yeah!

Good boy. Good boy.

Oh! Look, Danny! What's Daddy doing?

There he is.

Good boy.

One more spoonful. Good boy.

I've only got two pairs. I'm here.

- How many have you got, Jason?

- Yeah!

"They didn't live

in the trees, like we did. They made..."

It looks like he's doing okay,

considering.

Yeah, but what chance

does he stand now?

- He's got you.

- That's what I mean.

Shouldn't the State intervene

and make sure a woman looks

after little children?

Well, don't look at me.

I mean, I've got to do tricks on

my lawnmower to get my child to eat.

What do I know?

Artie, come on. I can't be late.

Artie.

- Great. Let's go.

- But I'm not dressed.

- I know. Why not?

- Because I haven't got any clothes.

Well, look on the line.

- Can I have a Mars bar?

- No, you bloody can't.

All we need now is

to get you to undress

straight into the washing machine

and the system will be faultless.

- Artie, eat your toast.

- It's got crusts.

- What?

- I don't like it when it's got crusts.

It's fine. Just eat it, okay?

You know what happens

when you don't eat.

This is my kangaroo, Nibbles,

and we rescue injured kangaroos,

and we keep him at home.

Mr. Warr,

don't forget the parent meeting.

Sorry?

In the hall after school

if you can make it.

And he eats kangaroo pellets,

carrots,

and we sometimes give him treats.

And Nibbles sleeps in a pouch.

We're talking about

our animals.

- Sit down here.

- And when they are older,

they don't need a pouch.

- Can he borrow your kitty?

- They go in a big yard.

And this one's still in a heated pouch.

All right. What about you, Lucy?

You want to talk about Tinker?

Well, I learned to swim,

and she teached me

and I done the doggy paddle.

All right. Your turn, Johnnie.

Who have you got?

This is my fish, and I like it

because it's looking at me right now,

for some reason,

and all my other fishes died.

Do you want to say

something about the cat?

Cat food looks better than it tastes.

All right, who's next?

- It's all there.

- Thanks.

It should be self-explanatory.

Good morning,

ladies and gentlemen.

We might as well start with sport.

Joe, what have you got for me?

- No rush.

- First up, cricket. We're leading...

No, no. Not you. Joe.

Yeah, we're...

We're leading with

the Aussie touring party to India,

who were well

and truly stuffed in Jaipur

by the Rajasthan Academy XI.

- Good to have you back.

- Good to be back.

Okay, what's next?

Hi. Joe Warr. Sorry I'm late.

And thanks for sorting him out

this morning.

I promise you he doesn't eat cat food.

Well, not at home, anyway.

We don't even have a cat.

So, how do you think he's doing?

I know it's only his first day back,

but how does he seem to you?

- I'm...

- I mean, everyone grieves differently,

I suppose. You know, there are

some times where he plays happily

and charts his mother's progress

in heaven, and then other times...

At some point every day,

he collapses into a sort of coma.

Sinks to the floor and just lies there.

Half an hour later, he gets up

and carries on like nothing's happened.

He has some very weird moods,

but then so do I. So...

You do actually know

I'm not Artie's teacher?

Hmm?

- I'm Lucy's mum. She's in Artie's class.

- Right.

I'm actually just waiting

for Miss West myself.

- But this morning, you were...

- I was just helping out.

- Of course you were.

- Yeah.

It's been a good term

and he's making really good...

Is that Miss West?

Mmm-hmm.

She's a different person altogether.

I know. Spooky, isn't it?

Right.

Well, I'll just join the queue, then.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for coming.

They're scribbling.

Hey.

- Are you sure you're not a teacher?

- Well, I do take them for art.

So, how did it go?

He seems to be doing

rather better than I am.

You know,

if there's anything I could do,

like, if you ever want me

to take him for you...

- Really?

- Yeah. Absolutely.

Three mouths are as easy to feed

as two, so... Be a pleasure.

- I'm in the buzz book.

- Sorry?

Here, give me your phone.

There we are.

Now we've got each other's.

- Hey! What are you doing?

- That hurt.

You must never do that!

You never cross the road without me.

Come on, Artie. I said I'm sorry.

- He's hungry.

- That's why I'm shopping.

It's a bit pathetic, isn't it,

both of you sulking like five-year-olds?

How long are you planning on

keeping this up?

- I don't have any plans.

- Why don't you take him to Mum?

Why don't you ask for help?

We aren't meant to do these things

by ourselves.

He's got no one to go to

and say how mean you're being.

That's true. That is definitely true.

Hey, cheeky bum,

come up here and sit with me.

Come on.

- Now, you see that puddle?

- Yeah.

- You drive, okay?

- Okay.

- Are you ready?

- Yeah!

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