The Boys Are Back Page #3

- Now, don't miss.

- I won't!

Let's go!

On your markies,

get your car keys, go!

Again! Again!

Now, you don't need to

know anything

about biology or fluid mechanics

to deduce that Michael Fred

Phelps III is built for speed.

He just looks so racy.

If you ran your hands

over his naked flanks,

and, let's face it,

you know you want to,

his skin would feel

as smooth as his Neoprene wetsuit.

With his flipper feet and paddle hands,

his 6'7" wingspan,

he must surely be the result

of some devilish American experiment

in bionics.

- Oh, hi. How was Sydney?

- Hey. Sorry I'm late.

- Hey, look who's here.

- Dada!

Give us a cuddle.

He's been great. Haven't you?

He's eaten really well,

and we washed Mac.

Oh! That's where he was.

I was looking for him everywhere.

Look, and he did these pictures

at school today.

I'll show you a trick.

- Thanks, Laura. I really appreciate it.

- Any time.

- Can I go and live at Laura's?

- What?

Can I go and live at Laura's?

I'll come back and visit you

so you won't be lonely,

but I'll live at Laura's and Lucy's.

You want to go and live there, do you?

Fine, but if you're going to go,

then you have to go tonight.

So pack your bag

and I'll take you back there.

Daddy, are you all right? Daddy?

So, what do you want to do?

Whatever you want me to do.

- What?

- Whatever you want me to do.

I want you to stay here.

I want you to live with me.

It'll get better. I promise.

"Mrs. Darling first

heard of Peter

"when she was tidying up

her children's minds.

"It is the nightly custom

of every good mother

"after her children are asleep

to rummage in their minds

"and put things straight

for next morning,

"repacking into their proper places

"the many articles

that have wandered during the day."

- Don't stop.

- Close those peepers.

"If you could keep awake,

but of course you can't..."

Harry's been

talking about you a lot.

He hasn't seen you

since you were here for Wimbledon.

- I know.

- He wants to come and see you, Joe.

- A boy his age needs his father.

- What about school?

I've spoken to the head.

The school will be fine.

You pay them enough.

Sorry, of course it's too much to ask.

I should have known.

- I'll tell him you're too busy.

- No, I'm...

Christ.

- Flick?

- Yes?

Look, I'm sorry. Listen, he can come

any time and for as long as he wants.

- Thank you.

- Look, you just tell me when.

- I'll organize everything.

- I'll e-mail you.

Okay.

- How much taller will he be than me?

- I'm not sure. Quite a bit.

- How much older is he?

- Nearly eight years.

- So, about eight inches?

- More.

- Will he like me?

- Of course he will. What's not to like?

- I've got nibbles.

- What?

I've got nibbles.

What? Are you worried

he might not like your nibbles?

I've got nibbles. I've got nibbles.

I've got nibbles, yeah.

I've got nibbles, I've got nibbles,

I've got nibbles...

- There he is.

- Which one is he?

Come on, put your T-shirt on.

- Hey. How are you?

- Hi. Fine.

So, this is your little brother.

This is Artie.

Hi, Artie.

- How was the flight?

- Long.

Well, let's get your bag.

- How's your mum?

- She's all right.

- School?

- It's crap.

Wow!

- It's boiling.

- This is nothing.

It's not proper summer here until

the steering wheel's too hot to hold.

So, here we are.

It didn't look like this

when Artie's mother was alive.

Your room is down here.

Hands up if you like sheep

muck. Hands up if you like cow pee.

Hands up if you like dog fart.

Hands up if you like me!

One of his own compositions,

I'm afraid.

- Are you tired? Do you want to rest?

- No. I'm all right.

Do you want to get changed,

put on some shorts?

Later on.

Hands up if you like

sheep muck.

I'll make some lunch.

Hands up if you like cow pee.

Hands up if you like me!

Hands up if you like me!

I run a pretty loose ship.

Basically, I've found

that the more rules there are,

the more crimes are created.

So, fewer rules. Fewer but bigger rules.

- No interrupting adults...

- Why not?

- Very good. No swearing.

- Why?

- I don't like it.

- Why?

It's the mark of a limited vocabulary

and a sign of laziness and egotism,

which is why

it's a privilege reserved for adults.

If it's a sign of a small vocabulary,

then how come

there are so many swear words?

Bloody, bleeding, buggery,

sodding, shitting, bastard,

...mother...

- Moving swiftly on,

as little lying and stealing as possible,

no fighting, except for fun,

no wanton littering.

Oh!

As far as possible, be polite.

Now, screaming insanely,

running round the house

making absurd and disgusting noises,

throwing water bombs at the windows,

all of these are actively encouraged.

Artie! In fact, really,

there's only one rule,

and that is you've got to do as I tell you.

It's just that I'm not going to tell you

to do very much.

The aim is something we like to call

hog heaven.

Okay.

Sh*t!

It's not funny.

- Hey, are you okay?

- Yeah. It's just so hot.

It's quite a shock, isn't it?

I remember when I first arrived,

but it's a great place

when you get used to it.

Yeah? Well...

"It has more things that will kill you

than anywhere else.

"Out of the world's 10 most poisonous

snakes, all are Australian."

You'll be all right.

Hope you manage to sleep.

No!

No!

No!

- Do you submit? Do you submit?

- No! No!

Geronimo!

I'm the king of the bed!

- I'm the king of the bed!

- Tag team. You and Artie versus me.

- Yeah! Yeah!

- No. I'll pass, thanks. That's fine...

Hey, you don't get away that easy,

big boy!

- Yeah!

- Don't! Dad, don't! Don't! Jesus!

Nice one.

Oh, my God. You've got to be kidding.

Good, eh?

- That is so high.

- I know.

- But if the wire breaks...

- Don't worry about the wire.

The wire's fine.

I'm trying not to think

of that branch falling on him.

- But, seriously, if he let go...

- That's why he's hanging on so tight.

- Nice one.

- Be careful!

I think you rather enjoy

upsetting mothers.

What gives you that idea?

- Only four weeks out of date.

- You've been eating them.

Here, here. Take this.

Sweetie, can you go

get the fairy bread?

- Shall I put them here?

- Yes.

- Hi. I'm Laura. Hi.

- I'm Barbara.

- Arthur's grandmother.

- Oh! Pleased to meet you.

- Is this one yours?

- Yes.

- She's very pretty.

- Thank you.

- Artie.

- Darling.

- Hi, Nana.

- Happy birthday.

Thank you, Nana.

Hey. Glad you could come.

He'll put someone's eye out with that.

The thing is,

constant warnings are maddening

for anyone aspiring to be an overlord.

- I would have done this for you.

- It looks good, doesn't it?

Well, if they eat this lot,

they'll be climbing the walls.

- Tea?

- Yes, thank you.

Where is Harry?

Why has he come here now,

do you think?

What do you mean?

Perhaps your ex-wife thinks

you're back on the market.

Thank you.

I remember

Katy's seventh birthday party.

We invited the whole class,

They ran riot.

It was a complete disaster.

I still see her, in the street or...

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