The Boys Are Back Page #5

I can't go anywhere right now.

Well, is there any chance

they could come here to you?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, if it was just Artie...

You know what? Forget it.

No, I'm not saying I won't take them.

- It's fine. Forget it.

- Joe...

Oh, please. Come on, Joe.

Artie, shoes, come on.

- Hey. Listen, I...

- Hi. Hang on, I need the loo. Just wait.

Artie?

Defrosting. There's a dinosaur

in the microwave.

Hog heaven becomes hog hell.

Think of the Seven Dwarfs

before Snow White showed up.

Does Harry never do

any chores around here?

Not as such. Artie, hurry up.

"Oh, please don't do that," he said,

handing her the rubber gloves.

- You've got them on the wrong feet.

- These are the only feet I've got.

Change them round, eat your breakfast

and wipe your mouth.

Oh, God. I have to change my shoes,

I have to eat my breakfast,

I have to go to the loo.

I have to do everything around here.

Jesus. I'm turning into my mother.

It's not supposed to be like this.

What did you want to ask me?

What are your plans for next week?

- Why? What have you got in mind?

- I have to go away.

- Where?

- Melbourne. The Open.

You want me to have your kids for you?

- The thought had crossed my mind.

- Well, Lucy's with her dad next week.

- Great, so you're free.

- Excuse me?

What makes you think

I'm not seeing someone? Hmm?

What makes you think

I'm not spending next week

having non-stop sex with my lover?

Are you?

We seem to have skipped a couple of

crucial stages in this relationship, Joe.

We haven't even been on a date, and

now we're a couple juggling childcare?

The Seven Dwarfs before

Snow bloody White turned up.

- Just a joke.

- Yeah, well, jokes and crappy theories.

All just excuses for laziness

and irresponsibility.

You drink too much

and you live like a pig.

Artie, Lucy, we're leaving now.

Bye, Dad.

See you.

So, as far as the outside world

is concerned, I'm not here.

I'm in Melbourne, so I don't want

anyone to answer the phone.

Okay.

And I'm going to need some help

around here, Harry.

Okay.

In Melbourne today,

Venus Williams

was comprehensively out-yelped

by her sister Serena.

She ramped up the volume

with a series of shrieks, yodels,

bellows and bleats

to a record-breaking 103 decibels.

For me, sitting in the Rod Laver Arena

with the sun having long since set,

and the heat...

Keep it up, Joe.

I'm glad you saw sense

and got yourself there.

For a minute, I thought

I was going to have to let you go.

- 30-40.

- Deuce.

Can you grab the ketchup?

That's so good.

Don't answer it.

Hello?

- I said don't answer it.

- It's Digby.

- Hey.

- Yeah, mate,

I thought you should know,

our esteemed editor

has tickets for the men's final.

- You'd better get your arse over there.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Have you taken the rubbish out?

- Not yet. I will.

Harry, you rarely get asked to do

things in this house,

but when you do, I want you to do them.

Why can't it wait till morning?

It's dark out there.

- Forget it. I'll do it myself.

- I'll do it.

Here, I'll do it,

if it means so much to you.

Just leave it. I've got it. Christ!

- Where do you think you're going?

- You said leave it. Make up your mind.

Could you come back here

and help me clear this up, please?

And take that stupid bloody hat off.

Oh, Jesus. Don't start crying.

You're such a bullying sh*t!

Brilliant. Terrific. Well done.

- You're a bullying sh*t!

- Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

I'm really sorry.

Someone said something about chores

and I fell for it. Stupid.

I've been a bit stressed about work.

I'm sorry.

You have to go, Dad.

You'll never get away with it. It's crazy.

- I'll look after Artie.

- No, no, no, no.

It's just a couple of nights. I can do it.

- No. Harry...

- Trust me. I can do it.

I promise.

Remember, don't answer the door

to anybody.

You've got all the relevant numbers.

I'll have my mobile with me

...all the time.

- We'll be fine.

Yeah, but call me

if there's any problem at all.

We'll be fine.

Okay.

- Bye, then.

- Bye, Dad.

- Look after him.

- Go.

Go, Daddy.

- Thanks.

- Yeah. Cheers, mate.

So everything's fine?

Everything's great.

We're just having dinner,

and then Artie's going to bed.

- Good.

- Don't worry. Enjoy yourself.

Make sure you lock up properly.

I will.

- Okay. I'll call you in the morning.

- Night.

From the United States

of America, Serena Williams.

Hey, Joe.

Hello, stranger.

I only get wheeled out

for the finals these days.

- Oh, yeah.

- I don't know who to root for,

long legs or big breasts.

I suppose you could make a decision

based on the relative strengths

of two extraordinary athletes.

Breasts, isn't it? Got to be.

What's all that noise? Where are you?

We're just down the beach

with some other kids.

So, let me say goodbye to Artie.

Hello?

See you later, alligator.

Don't forget your toilet paper.

- Don't be too late. Night.

- Bye.

Shouldn't you be in bed?

My dad's away.

You want to hear my favorite joke?

Why? Do I look like

I need cheering up?

Maybe.

- You okay?

- Can I get in bed with you?

If you want.

There we go.

What you got there?

So, what are you saying?

Beers all round?

Hey, beautiful. Excuse me.

Excuse me, beautiful. Listen to this.

Do you know why you should

masturbate with these two fingers?

Because they're mine.

And they say

the age of chivalry is dead.

- What's your problem?

- Never mind.

- Who asked you anyway?

- No. Please don't make a...

It's all right. I'm sorry.

"The boys on the island vary,

of course, in numbers,

"according as they get killed

and so on, and when..."

Don't stop.

- What is it?

- Back in a sec. Just stay there.

Hey, let us in! Harry!

Oh, God. I think

I've lost my bloody phone.

- Does it hurt?

- Yeah, it hurts.

Aw.

- I don't even know your name.

- Mia.

- Hey, Mia. I'm Joe.

- Hello, Doe.

beer in the fridge.

There's none in the fridge.

Hey, guys, I've found the booze.

I don't like them being here.

Make them go.

I'm going to try and do that.

- Call Daddy. Call the police.

- That's what I'm going to do.

Go down to my room and shut the door.

Hey, don't want you calling Daddy.

Hey, I need...

Give me my phone back. Oh, no.

Did you look on the floor

at the end of the bar?

Okay. Thanks. No, there's no sign of it.

Sh*t. My whole bloody life's

in that phone.

Come on.

Reception.

Yeah, are there any messages for me?

No, nothing, sir.

Can I help with anything else?

No. Thank you.

I'll just get you to sign that one for me.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

So, are you here for the men's final,

Mr. Walker?

Joe? Joe!

Airport, please.

Oh, my God.

Artie? Harry?

Joe,

it's Barbara. Artie's here with me.

Barbara, what's going on?

- Where have you been?

- Where are they?

- What have you done to your face?

- Are they safe?

Are they all right?

What the hell happened?

I don't think

Artie should see you like that.

I mean, where were you last night?

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