The Boys in the Band Page #10

that my wife and I

had come into town for.

Then your real troubles began.

You know that was--

Was nearly

two years ago.

Why am I always the goddamn

villain in the piece.

If I'm not thought of

as a happy-home wrecker,

I'm an impossible

son of a b*tch to live with.

Guilt turns

to hostility.

Isn't that right,

Michael?

Go stick your tweezers

in your cheek.

I'm fed up to my teeth

with everybody

feeling so goddamn sorry

for poor shat-upon Hank.

Oh, Larry. Everybody knows

you're Freda Fickle.

Look.

I've never made any promises,

and I don't intend to.

It's my right to lead

my sex life

without answering to anybody.

Hank included.

And if those terms

are not acceptable,

then we must not

live together.

Numerous relations is

a part of the way I am.

You don't have to be gay

to be wanton.

By "the way I am,"

I don't mean "being gay."

I mean my sexual appetite.

And I don't think of

myself as a wanton.

Oh, Emory, you're the most

promiscuous person I know.

I'm not promiscuous

at all.

Not by choice.

By design.

Who would want to go to bed with

a flaming little sissy like you?

Michael.

Who'd make

a pass at you?

I'll tell you who,

nobody.

Except some fugitive

from the Braille Institute.

Why do you let him

talk to you that way?

"Physical beauty

isn't everything."

Thank you, Quasimodo.

Do you know what it's like

living with the goddamn gestapo?

I can't breathe without

getting the third degree.

Larry, it's your turn to call.

You know, I can't

take all this

let's-be-faithful-and-never-

look-at-another-person routine,

because it just doesn't work.

If you want to

promise that, fine.

Then you do it

and you stick to it.

But if you have to promise it,

as far as I'm concerned,

nothing finishes

a relationship faster.

Give me Librium

or give me meth.

Yeah, freedom, baby.

Freedom.

You gotta have it.

It-- It just doesn't

work any other way.

Oh, and the ones who swear their

undying fidelity are lying.

90 percent of them anyway.

They cheat on

each other constantly

and lie through

their teeth.

Well, I'm sorry,

I can't be like that,

and it drives Hank

up the wall.

Yeah, well, there is

that 10 percent, Larry.

Well, the only way

that stands a chance

is with some sort of

an understanding.

Yeah, well, I've tried

to go along with that.

Oh, come on.

I agreed to an agreement.

Your agreement.

What agreement?

A mnage.

Oh, now, look, I know a lot of

people think that's the answer.

They don't consider

that cheating.

But it's not my style.

Well, I certainly

never wanted it.

Well, then

who suggested it?

Well, it was

a compromise.

Exactly.

And you agreed!

I didn't agree to anything.

You agreed to your own proposal

and informed me that I agreed.

Uh, I don't

understand.

What's a me--

A mnage

trois, baby.

Two's company,

three's a mnage.

Well, it...

works for some.

Well, I'm not one

for group therapy.

I can't relate to anything

or anyone that way.

I'm old-fashioned.

I like 'em all,

but I like 'em

one at .

And did you like Donald

as a single side attraction?

Yes, I did.

So did I, Larry.

Did you tell him?

No.

It was obvious from the moment

you walked in the door.

What was this song and dance

about never having met

but having seen

each other?

It was true.

We saw each other at the baths

and went to bed together,

but we never spoke

a word, and we--

We never knew

each other's names.

You had better luck

than I do.

If I don't

get arrested,

my trick announces

on departure

that he's been

exposed to hepatitis.

What kind of an understanding

do you want?

Respect for

one another's freedom.

With no need to lie or pretend.

Hank, in my own way,

I love you.

But you've got to understand

that even though I do want to

go on living with you, that

sometimes there may be others.

Now, I don't want to

flaunt it in your face,

and I know if

it ever happens,

I'll never

mention it to you.

But if you ask me,

I'll tell you.

He gets points.

What?

He said it.

He said I love you to Hank,

he gets the bonus.

He didn't

call him.

Uh, he called him. He just

didn't use the telephone.

Then he doesn't get any points.

He gets five points.

He didn't use

the goddamn telephone!

He doesn't get a goddamn thing.

Hank.

It's for you.

Hello.

One point.

Hello, Hank.

Two points.

This is

Larry.

Two more points.

For what it's worth...

I love you.

Five points bonus.

I'll try.

I will too.

Larry's the winner.

Well, that wasn't as much fun

as I thought it would be.

The game isn't over yet.

Your turn,

Alan.

Pick up the telephone,

buster.

Michael, don't.

You keep out of this.

You don't

have to, Alan.

You don't have to.

Emory, I'm sorry

for what I did before.

Oh, forget it.

Forgive us

our trespasses.

Christ, now you're both

joined at the goddamn hip.

You can decorate his house

for him, Emory,

and he can get you out of jail

the next time you're arrested

on a morals charge.

Who are you gonna

call, Alan?

Can't remember anyone?

Well, maybe you need

a minute to think.

Is that it?

I believe this will be

the final round.

Aren't you gonna

call anyone, Michael?

How could he?

He's never loved

anyone.

No matter how you figure

It's tough to be a n*gger

But it's tougher

To be a Jew

My God, Michael.

You're a charming host.

Michael doesn't have charm, Donald.

Michael has

counter-charm.

You going somewhere?

Yes, you're gonna

have to excuse me.

You're gonna miss

the end of the game.

You'll have to tell me

how it comes out.

I never reveal an ending.

And no one will be reseated

during the climactic revelation.

What do you suppose

is going on up there?

Hm, Alan?

What do you imagine Hank and

Larry are doing up there? Hm?

Whatever they're doing,

they're not hurting anyone.

And they're minding

their own business.

And you mind

yours, Harold!

I'm warning you.

Are you now?

You warning me?

Me?

I'm Harold.

I'm the one person

you don't warn, Michael.

Because you and I

are a match.

And we tread very softly

with each other

because we both play

each other's game too well.

I know this game

you're playing.

I know it very well,

and I play it very well.

You play it very well too,

but you know what?

I'm the only one who's

better at it than you are.

I can beat you at it,

so don't push me.

I'm warning you.

You're funny, Hallie.

A laugh riot.

Isn't he funny, Alan?

Or as you might say,

"Isn't he amusing?"

He's an amusing

f*ggot, isn't he?

Or as you might say,

"freak."

That's what you called

Emory, wasn't it?

A "freak"?

A "pansy."

My, what an antiquated

vocabulary you have.

I'm surprised

you didn't say "sodomite."

Or "pederast."

You better let me

bring you up to date.

Now, this isn't so new,

but it might be new to you.

Have you heard the term,

"closet queen"?

You know what

that means?

Do you know what it means

to be in the closet?

Don't, Michael. It won't help

to explain what it means.

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