The Break-Up Artist Page #2

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the ones who make tissue

and Prozac a necessity.

Plus, I never take

my work home with me.

You couldn't be anything else?

- Oh, you'll see.

I'll be back before you know it.

- I hope so.

Oh, my love, I shall miss you

every moment when you're gone.

I love you, sweetheart.

Hey, come on.

All aboard if you wanna get there.

Thank God you're here.

We thought you left with

one of those creepy club guys.

I even watched the news this morning

to see if they found your dead body.

Your 1:
00 just canceled. They said

they found another break-up service.

Probably another freelance dumper.

They never last.

You don't mess with the best,

and that's Britney Brooks.

She always talks about herself

in the third person.

Tiffany hates that.

Uh, excuse me.

I'm waiting for someone.

Rick, right? Britney.

Look, uh, Sally,

she thinks you're a great

guy and she loves you,

but, well, she's just

not in love with you.

So, that's why she's

breaking up with you.

Uh--

- It's not you. It's her.

No, it's-- it's me.

I should have treated

her better.

The truth is, I never really felt

that spark with her, you know.

I guess that's why I've been spending

so much time focusing on work recently.

I run this dating

Web site called E-Mate.

E-Mate. Yeah, I know you guys.

You keep me in business.

Sally really is amazing.

It's probably why

I couldn't let her go...

even though I knew

she wasn't the one for me.

She's the first girl who ever

really made me believe in love.

Yeah, well, we all believe in

stupid things every now and then.

Santa Claus, wrinkle cream,

zero-calorie Coke.

Look, you're gonna

be fine, okay?

Pain is temporary.

People get dumped every day.

By the way, um--

Love your outfit.

Chartreuse is the perfect color

for your skin complexion.

Thank you.

Um, look,

here's, uh--

here's my card.

And, uh, it was really nice

to meet you.

Stage-four crier?

No, not at all. I--

I've seen all sorts

of reactions from dumpees--

fear, confusion,

throwing things, begging--

but never anything

like this.

He actually said

it was his fault.

But he's a guy. Men never

admit to their own mistakes.

I know. I mean, okay, let's say

hypothetically love does exist.

Why kind of a girl would take

a guy like Rick for granted?

Ugly nose. Fake b*obs.

Eating disorder.

He needs to get

an eating disorder.

Hey, Brit-Brit.

Can you call

before you come?

I don't have room on my speed dial.

So, I forgot to tell Allan I'm leaving him

for Mike. You need to dump him for me.

I'm supposed to meet him at

Aura in 20 minutes. Better hurry.

Laters.

Brit, we had

two more cancellations today.

They both say this other new

break-up service was cheaper.

Should we be worried?

Also found this message

on your desk, Brit.

TiVo His Girl Friday

with Cary Grant--

Uh-uh-uh.

Um, you two go take care of

Ashley's latest man-tard now.

Go. Go, go, go, go!

I, uh, just wanted

to thank you.

Oh.

- I really appreciate what you do.

If Sally and I had broken up face-to-face,

there would have been crying and screaming...

and curling up in the fetal position,

and nobody needs to see that.

It's no worries.

I'm a people person, so--

Listen, I know this

is gonna sound forward,

but, uh, I'm not a guy who

sits and mopes after a break-up.

Would you join me

for dinner tonight?

Uh--

Oh, uh, company policy

outlaws dating dumpees.

Wow. That so did not go

like I planned.

Uh, I'm sorry.

It's just, uh, you know,

when I saw you--

Obviously,

you're beautiful.

And I guess I'm just

old school.

When I see someone I like,

I just charge full-speed ahead.

It always seemed to work for my hero,

Cary Grant, and that's why I'm here.

You okay?

Uh--

Damn, Gary.

Rough times.

But Lindsay really

enjoyed her time with you.

And, you know,

it's not you.

No, actually, it is you.

When Britney said you were

so ugly even Bill Clinton...

wouldn't sleep with you,

she was just breaking the ice.

She said, "Save your breath because you'll

need it to blow up your next girlfriend"?

No. No, no, I am not laughing, sir.

It's just--

Come on. It is funny.

Hello? Hello, sir?

What the hell, Brit?

You're supposed to be a quick

and merciless ninja love assassin.

Instead, you're Dr. Phil-ing

everyone's relationships.

Relax. I'm on top of it.

This other break-up service is

stealing our clients and, well,

business is slower than

Tiffany taking the S.A.T.'s.

Hey. Sometimes things

can be true and false.

- Plus, these bills are just starting to--

- Hold that thought, okay?

What? No, I'm sorry.

I'll be there in five.

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

I asked if I could use the bathroom an

hour ago. I'm still holding that thought.

Go pee, sweetie.

We even owe

the Arrowhead water guy.

Ohh. Hi!

Are you stuck in a bad relationship

that you want to get out of?

Yes. For 27 years. But that's not

why I'm here.

I'm Bob Green. I'm Britney's account

manager at Second Pacific Bank.

I'm here regarding her

last few mortgage payments.

What about them?

She hasn't made any.

Rick? Hello?

I never believed in love

at first sight...

until I saw you.

You deserve that storybook movie

romance that you've always wanted,

and I want to be

your leading man.

I know I came on too strong,

but I can't help it.

There's just something

about you, Britney Brooks.

I wish I could quit you.

No, don't quit me.

Let's make

our own romantic movie.

Wait. I think I have

onion breath.

Frankly, my dear,

I don't give a damn.

- Britney? Britney Brooks?

- Hmm?

Sorry. Chuck Charleston.

I work with Rick.

Oh.

- He has pictures of you everywhere...

and I just totally recognized you.

No way. I'm actually

meeting him here. Sit.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, Rick raves about you, about how

close you've become in such a short time.

Yeah.

And it scares him.

That's why he feels it's best

to just nip it in the bud now.

What? Uh-- I'm sorry.

- Yeah.

Why, uh-- Why would he

tell you and not--

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you breaking up with me?

Well, it's nothing personal.

It's what I do.

Chuck Charleston,

break-up specialist. No?

Okay.

You used the "nip it

in the bud" speech?

That's mine. I invented it.

It is copy--

You are in a lot

of trouble, mister.

Wait. Look, it's not him.

It's--

No, wait. It's not him--

Careful!

That's pumpernickel!

All right. Beat it, chuckles.

Evidence. Evidence.

Sorry about that, Brit.

Chuck's just a trainee in our business.

Our business?

Yeah.

You're the other

break-up service?

You pretended to like me?

Whoa, whoa. I was just doing market research,

all right, checking out my competition.

I couldn't know

that you'd fall for me.

Besides, I was told you were this

emotionally tough businesswoman and, well,

possibly not even into dudes.

Anyway, Brooksy,

here's the deal.

Love is the one thing in this

world that people will always need.

E-Mate brings 'em together,

and E-Dump pulls them apart.

I control both ends of love's production.

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