The Break-Up Artist Page #3

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It's capitalism at its finest.

You're Microsoft-ing

break-ups?

Britney, I'm sorry.

It's just business.

I never meant to hurt you.

That's my line too,

you hack!

Hmph.

It's okay. You've been in this

situation before, just on the other side.

Compose yourself and leave with dignity.

Hmm. Hmm.

Loser.

You know, for years

I told my dumpees...

that life goes on

and it'll all be okay,

but now I realize there aren't

plenty of other fish in the sea.

Nope. All the good fish

have been caught.

The ones left swimming have been

tossed back in by someone else.

Come on.

Oh, I love this song.

Turn it off!

- Oh.

God, I am so done with Rick.

He's a lying, immature,

scummy, two-faced--

Do you think, if I lost

Oh.

We need to tell her

about the mortgage.

Not while she's in a serial stage.

It'll kill her.

Air kisses all.

You need to dump Mike for me.

Turns out he's not rich.

He's got all these expensive-looking

paintings in his place,

but he, like,

drew them himself.

Ah, the nerve!

Britney needs a break right now, Ash.

She's taking things one day at a time.

No, no.

If one more person tells me to

take things one day at a time, I'm--

I'm gonna start taking things

two days at a time.

Yeah. I'm gonna jump

from Monday to Thursday.

If Rick wants a break-up

battle, he's gonna get one.

You do not mess

with the master.

Mmm.

Britney, hey. It's really great to

see you. What are you doing here?

Mike, Ashley is--

Amazing. I know, I know.

She's like my own personal angel.

Ashley, an angel?

She may be the Antichrist.

I have priests looking into it.

You have really

incredible eyes.

You and Ashley, you both have

these just amazing, piercing eyes.

Every time she looks at me,

it's like, she's just--

you know, peeling back

the layers of my soul.

Ashley's breaking up with you.

What?

Yeah, it's, uh--

it's what she does.

I'm sorry, but it's over.

Wait a minute.

Wait a--

But I totally recommend the lobster

ravioli here. Get it with the Alfredo.

I should've been nicer to her.

I should've treated her better.

Been there--

Do you think, if I gained

Oh, no! Ashley!

Steven, you're past due

for a dumping.

They did?

Half the price?

Okay. Bye.

Rick's stupid company

is stealing...

all our immature 20-something,

commitment-phobic males.

I mean,

they're our meal ticket.

Come on.

- Oh, Tiff.

Come on.

- What are we gonna do?

It's okay.

- We have to figure something out.

We will.

He was in no condition

to drive.

Wait a second.

You're Ashley's sister. You know

what kind of man she wants, right?

Listen, I will--

I will pay you anything you

want to help me win her back.

Okay? Anything. I've got

maybe 10 grand in my savings.

We'll take it!

- We'll take it!

What?

- Yes.

No, no. I don't get people

together, okay? I pull them apart.

That'd be like Al Gore

selling S.U.V.s.

Britney, but you don't understand.

Just help me, anything.

Just tell me

what she's looking for.

Money. Do you make a lot?

I'm a Y.M.C.A. art teacher.

Mm-hmm. Strike one.

Do you enjoy fine dining?

I'm a vegan.

Strike two. Ashley only enjoys

eating things that once had a soul.

Do you like to travel?

I've been to Bakersfield once.

Strike three. Sorry, can't help you.

Please. You don't understand. Listen,

Mike, you seem like a decent guy,

and you're oddly attractive in a "George from

Grey's Anatomy" kind of way,

but you have the one thing that Ashley

is just not interested in: heart.

So--

The Arrowhead guy too?

Yeah. Your last few

mortgage payments bounced.

We're gonna have to

pay them back fast, or--

Or I lose everything.

This is why love blows.

Why didn't you girls stop me?

We'll fix it, Brit.

I'll work overtime.

And I'll give back the stapler

I took from the supply room.

Sorry, girls,

but you've been downsized.

That's good.

That's nice.

Okay, guys, that's it.

See you Thursday.

Good work.

I knew it. I knew the power

of love would bring you back.

Yeah, love.

Still 10 grand, right?

Uh, yeah, sure.

I mean, I'd pay anything to get

Ashley back. She was my muse.

I'm sorry. Really.

I painted this when I was with Ashley.

I couldn't stop painting.

I had this artistic explosion in my

soul the entire week we were together.

You got whipped in a week?

- And you know what?

I even sold two of my pieces. I never

sold any of my art before I met Ashley.

And now--

all I can paint is this.

Yeah. I need Ashley back,

Britney.

I need my muse back. These kids are expecting

me to lead them in this mural contest.

How am I supposed to lead them

when all I can paint is this?

That's why I'm here.

So--

What? You're gonna help--

- Yes.

Oh! Yes!

- No.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay.

Rule number one.

- Yes?

Do not ever hug me again.

Oh.

- Rule number two.

Yeah?

- What I say goes. No questions.

Really? Even if I have a--

Sorry.

Rule number three:

no refunds.

Within this building lies the

hottest collection of women...

west of an MTV Real World

casting call.

Hold your own in here

and there's hope for us yet.

I'm allergic to dogs,

but I have a cat.

- Great.

See, women like that are similar to

Ashley in hotness and lack of humanity.

So, consider this practice--

a flirting spring training.

Britney, I don't want her.

I want Ashley.

Yeah, and Ashley loves

confident men--

men with the balls

to hit on anyone anywhere.

God, how'd you meet

my sister in the first place?

Oh, she, uh--

She sent me a text,

said that I was hot,

to come over.

Adorable.

Well, if you can't handle hitting

on a girl you don't even care about,

how do you expect to handle being

comfortable around a girl who you love,

a girl who's your muse?

Very nice. Maybe there

is hope for us yet.

Well, that girl's married, but

I think she wants me to cat-sit.

So, good?

Huh?

Ashley doesn't want a guy who

menstruates more than she does.

Get back out there and prove to me

that you actually have a "Y" chromosome.

Oh, uh, here.

Let me get that. Yeah?

Yes. Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.

Say thank you, Leah.

Uh, I'm Mike.

- Melanie.

Nice to meet you.

- And you already met Leah.

Give him a kiss. It's okay. It's okay.

I'm so sorry. I'll get him.

Get back here.

Leah! Come back!

Leah!

If people find out

where we're going--

No, we're jobless, Tiff.

We need to save cash.

This is a necessary evil.

But-- But an outlet store?

I'd be buying retail--

outdated retail.

I wasn't looking at her chest.

I was trying to read her T-shirt.

Something written on her ass too!

Excuse me, ma'am,

but your boyfriend is--

A big, fat jerk!

Agreed. We can make that significant

other a lot less significant.

Hi, Sarah. I'm Rick Barnes,

president of E-Dump.

I represent Pat, and while he apologizes

for today's unfortunate incident,

he feels that you've got

real trust issues.

That's why he thinks it's best for

you two to go your separate ways.

- Are you breaking up with me?

- Yeah.

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