The Break-Up Artist Page #4

---

Yeah.

Dude, check out my other site-- E-Mate.

A lot of potential rebound chicks.

Ladies.

Mm-mmm.

Time to get our game faces on.

Oh, sorry. Wrong game.

He'll dump you as soon

as the credits roll!

Oh, if it isn't the Matisse of mucus.

- Sorry, okay?

I just didn't know you were gonna so quickly

throw me to the wolves-- Pomeranians.

You and Ashley go together about

as well as socks and sandals.

Okay? Let it go.

Are you kidding me? No. I need

Ashley. I love her. Okay?

Love is an illusion created by

the founders of Valentine's Day...

to peddle chocolates and those candy

hearts with the lame sayings on them.

Love and 6.50

gets you a latte.

- What does that even mean?

- Look.

Ashley doesn't want

a romantic. Okay?

She must have been in an appletini-induced

haze to hit on you in the first place.

Okay, well,

you know what then?

Help me become the man she wants.

All right? Mold me. Sculpt me.

I will be your blank canvas so

you can create your masterpiece.

Okay, you took that metaphor

a little too far.

Well?

Fine. Come on.

Cary Grant. Gregory Peck.

Those were real men--

men who don't exist today.

I mean, you see the way

they act around girls?

Every movement is confident and

calculated, like a figure skater,

except they actually

like girls.

I didn't say

you could spend the night!

I didn't. I just--

I must have fallen asleep.

Get out! Go!

Okay. Okay. I thought you

were gonna mold me.

All right, that 10 grand,

I want it in cash.

I do not accept Visa

or MasterCard.

Yeah, okay, anything.

Just bring my muse back.

Steven Salon. Noon today.

First thing we need to do

is get you groomed.

Steven Salon.

Got it. Okay.

Promise you won't mess

with my hair too much, okay?

Yeah?

Ashley considers celebrity

hairstyles fine literature.

With an Esquire cut,

she'll think you read it too.

I look like a gigolo.

It takes hours to look

like a rich creeper.

I can barely breathe in this.

Okay, you know,

this is way too tight.

It needs to be tight.

Ashley likes her men with definition.

Do you even work out?

I Jazzercise.

Kidding.

How tall are you?

About 6"1'.

Really?

About 5"11'.

You're gonna need

two-inch lifts.

Ashley likes her men tall,

dark and handsome.

I got a deal on the shirt.

So it's only gonna cost you 200.

Bucks? For--

Oh, Britney, I can find a three

pack at the outlet store for 11.95.

If Ashley smells the stench

of wholesale on you,

not even God himself

could get you back together.

The hot dog is in the bun.

Over.

Camouflage doesn't help you

blend in with a ficus.

Sorry. But remember to end all

your transmissions with "Over."

Okay, Britney

needs our help.

Britney fired us.

- That's because she was sad.

If we can follow Rick and figure

out how he stole all our clients,

then we can take him down!

And then Britney will un-downsize us.

P-Please, Robs.

Brit's in trouble,

and I don't want to let her

down again, okay?

Which is why we need

to be all incognigenital.

Incognito, sweetie. Incognito.

- Oh.

Okay. Let's catch up with the hot dog.

Try a divorce.

The hot dog is leaving

the bun. Over.

Stop with the hot dog--

dog thing! Over.

You, uh-- You need

some help there, brother?

These can be tricky.

The good news is

the pink shirt works.

All right. Booyaka.

Right?

Around twice. Right? Through the loop.

- Oh.

Thanks, bro. I'm meeting my girl

here and I wanna look good, you know?

We've been having... issues.

Really? Let's talk.

She swears nothing happened.

- Ah, Christian.

I know chicks, all right? And where

there's smoke, there's fire.

End things now

before you get hurt.

We've been together a year. I don't know

if I could handle breaking up with her.

Thankfully, my friend,

you won't have to.

Look, there's Rick.

This must be Rick's place.

Oh, this is kinda bigger

than Britney's place.

Kind of a lot bigger.

I want a hot dog.

What have we got?

Good, good. Just make sure we keep

the loved and the lovelorn balanced.

Oh, and, uh,

what about Britney?

She's done.

You got dumped because you liked Ashley

a hell of a lot more than she liked you.

Relationships need balance. It's gotta

look like you don't want Ashley anymore.

Girls need to think you think

you're better than them,

or else they think that they can have you,

and then they won't want you anymore.

Look, if you want to win Ashley back, you need

to pretend that you don't care about her.

And considering your level of whippedness,

it's gonna take a lot more practice.

Okay, well, then shouldn't

I be practicing on--

Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!

women?

As a straight male, you're naturally

aloof around other men.

You need to act the same way

around women.

- So I have to be an ass?

- Exactly! That's what women want.

Can I buy you a drink?

- Sure, man. Thanks.

Uh, no, you can't. Um--

You wanna shoot

some pool then?

Mm-mmm.

Ass.

- Very nicely done--

- Hang on a second, bro. Hang on.

Look, I'm sorry.

It's not you. It's just me.

I just got out of a

relationship, and it's been--

It was great to meet you.

And I'll call you right

before kickoff on Sunday. Okay.

That wasn't aloof. I thought you

two were gonna start making out.

I'm sorry, Britney,

but I'm a friendly guy, okay?

And I'm pretty sure

that women like affection.

That is just what we tell

guys so we seem sensitive.

This isn't me, Britney. This

isn't me. I don't play games.

The first time

that Ashley kissed me,

my head said this was

a one-shot deal, but my heart--

My heart said, "Follow her, you fool."

And I did, and I found my muse.

Love is not a choice. Yes, it is.

Love is a chemical reaction, a craving.

If I can control my urges for mini chimichangas,

then love can be controlled too.

You're supposed to be

my blank canvas, remember?

I'm trying to create a Rembrandt

here, and you're finger painting.

I don't like the new Mike.

Yeah, well, Ashley

dumped the old one.

Paul, I can't believe

it's you.

It's not. My name's Jeff.

- Right, but we went to SC together.

I went to UCLA.

Weren't you a business major?

- History.

Oops. My bad.

Hey. The craziest thing

just happened.

I'm sitting here waiting for you,

and then this other girl comes up--

Hey, Jeffy, you big stud.

Jeff and I have been together

since our days at UCLA.

Judy, I--

Yeah, I don't know this girl.

Remember how we used to

study together for history?

I'm surprised

either one of us passed.

Judy, baby, I promise.

I don't know this girl.

I've never seen her before.

I swear!

Why would you--

Tiff. Tiff.

- Hey, who are you anyway?

The chicken has flown

the coop. Engage the chicken!

Engage! Over.

Yeah.

Okay, you can

do this, Robyn.

Are you okay, miss?

'Cause I work for Splitzville,

and I can help you.

I--

Hello. E-Dump?

I need to get rid of my

cheating boyfriend A.S.A.P.

The chicken

is crossing the road.

Why did the chicken--

- Yeah. I'm here.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Come on.

Air kisses.

Look, if you're looking for

your latest boyfriend deletion,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes