The Break-Up Artist Page #5

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I'm gonna have

to charge you.

No. I'm not dumping

my new guy.

Are you okay?

You look worse than usual.

New guy? Wonderful.

Just... perfect.

No, he so is, and he's renting

out Club Finale tonight.

I wanted to see what

Robs and Tiffs were doing.

Oh. Um--

Well, I guess

you can come then.

No, I-I really...

could use

a vodka cranberry.

This is so exciting, Brit.

I always wished we were closer.

- Really?

Yeah. And when

you put makeup on,

you're not half hideous.

Hi, honey.

- Oh.

Britney?

Britney, wait.

I'm sorry.

Sorry? For what?

For dumping me?

For ruining my business

or for dating my sister?

Or is this just a blanket apology

for all your past wrongs...

and future mea culpas

against me?

Yeah. That one.

The least you could've done was hired

me to break up with myself.

Then I would've gotten

something out of it.

It's not my fault.

I mean, look at her.

Ashley has this aura, like she

pretends to not care about anything.

She's not pretending!

Listen, I'm opening up

a new break-up division,

strictly for the removal

of sloppy seconds.

And I need someone to run

it for me-- someone like you.

Had to pick the red.

Ew! Ew. My sister?

Ew!

It's not that big--

- Mmm!

The contrast is amazing.

Just keep goin', guys.

Do your best.

Mike. Come on.

Let's go.

Come on.

Good job, guys.

Ashley. You look amazing.

It's really good to see you.

Wow. You, uh-- You look terrific.

We should totally

hang out sometime.

Totally hang out?

What are you, 12? Oh, are you

gonna make her a mix tape too?

Would you please stop

and just turn down the volume?

All right? You're gonna

force me to pull a van Gogh.

Get focused, okay? No compliments.

One-word answers.

Ashley is your muse.

You need her.

And I need that money.

- All right.

Now just do what we rehearsed. Don't forget

the three A's-- arrogant, aloof, assy.

Assy. Right.

- And if you run into any troub--

She's coming.

Move it, van Gogh.

Okay, walk slowly.

Be cool.

I said cool,

not constipated.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, uh,

nice talking to you, gorgeous.

All right. Yeah.

Talk to you later.

Mike.

Oh. Uh, what's up--

Amber.

Ashley.

- Right.

You got a haircut.

Had it styled.

I like your shirt.

Is that Sea Island cotton?

Yes.

- Yes. Yes.

- Esquire says--

- Esquire says...

that once you cut the tags off

your clothes, they're dated.

Plus pink is the new white, so I've

gotta update most of my casual wear.

Thankfully, black is still the new black--

Thankfully, black is still the new black,

so I've still got that going on.

Miro amor, mirame

en los ojos.

What?

Uh, I was just Spanglishing.

I was-- I was, uh-- I was just

Spanglishing. It's that new thing to do.

You start your sentence in English.

You end it in Spanish.

Oh. Of course.

Spanglishing.

I've been doing that for... mucho tampon.

- Right.

Uh, well, I've gotta go,

but we should totally--

- Hello.

- Walk forward.

Pivot. Walk away.

Okay, if she stares at you for

at least four seconds, we are in.

Four, three, two, one.

Yes!

Ah!

# I'm so gonna pull this off

Doo-dah, doo-dah #

# Then I'm gonna get 10 grand

Doo-doo-doo-dah-day # Cha-ching!

# I'm gonna save my place, yeah

and punch Rick in the face # Uh!

# Then I'll take his business

down Doo-doo-doo-dah-- #

Oh, my God! I am so--

- Britney?

- Sally?

Um-- I'm okay. Really.

I'm gonna be okay.

You-You dropped something.

This is E-Dump. Are you dumping

a boyfriend, girlfriend or one of each?

Let me tell you, girls.

It is great having...

two break-up specialists

with your experience here.

Welcome to E-Dump.

Look! Brit!

- This is not what it looks like.

- Totally.

Good. 'Cause it looks like

you're hurting me.

Ta-da!

This is just a little thank-you

for all of your help so far-- far.

Rick used to shower me

with roses, all the time.

Now every time I see them,

I think of him...

and I remember

all the pain.

Rick ruined red roses

for me.

He also ruined bubble baths,

New York City...

and most of my music collection,

including, sadly, my '90s Madonna.

Ashley killed

frozen yogurt for me.

Also, uh, hammocks,

banana pancakes

and the color magenta.

I lost French food, diet

cola and airplane flights to Rick.

Da Vinci is dead to me. So are butterfly

kisses, Ping-Pong and reality TV.

The beach, Pictionary, sweet tea,

iPods, slow dances, Cary Grant.

Sunsets, sleeping in, strawberries

and John Denver's "Country Roads."

Rick ruined

everything for me.

Maybe I should

come back tomorrow.

Have I really got you

in my arms again?

Oh! Jack!

Rick's company is huge,

and I'm just me.

And now they have

my two best friends.

Well, they're a heartless

corporation just in it for the money.

You dumped people

out of love.

Will you stop with that

awful four-letter word?

You know, if the writers of these movies

you like so much never experienced love,

they'd have no idea

how to portray it on screen,

and you wouldn't have any idea

who Cary Grant is.

You see, when a person has love

and they channel it into something,

whether it's a painting...

or a business that helps people

shed their unwanted exes,

it becomes a force of nature.

A passionate person fueled by love

is a force that no one can defeat.

Just use that other color.

All right. Can I grab

your brush for a second?

Thank you.

All right, guys, we're gonna do some

more passionate and stronger strokes.

Just like this, all right?

And be vibrant with your colors.

Because we are happy,

and this is a happy mural.

Hi.

- Mmm.

Uh, keep goin', guys.

I went to that frat house

like you asked.

I got at least five new names.

- Oh.

And where would

our client list be?

I mean, I should add the new names.

Well, leave them

on my desk.

No one sees the client list

but me and Rick. Hmm?

Oops.

Mmm! Thanks.

No ways.

Sorry. Oops.

Right.

What about her?

Uh, purse doesn't match?

No. You're not supposed to

wear white after Labor Day.

Oh. Oh!

- And that's for ditching me last night.

Well, I remembered how much you

appreciated our other night together.

Yeah, but, last night,

I need--

I mean, I wouldn't have

hurt you for staying.

Okay, hang on. Stop.

So, first, you're pissed

at me because I stayed.

Now you're mad at me for leaving.

- Yeah.

Well, how am I sup--

Oh, come on, Britney.

Well, I'm sorry?

Congratulations.

You passed.

Passed what?

- The female-brain test.

See, our logic is way more advanced

than your standard Earth male,

yet we expect you to understand

even when we don't make sense.

That makes no sense.

- Exactly.

But you kept your cool

and followed the golden rule:

"Always apologize to a girl

when she's upset."

Especially when you didn't

do anything wrong.

So, hang on.

All the crying last night--

that was part

of this test?

Yeah, of course.

I mean, come on. Me cry?

Bah.

- Okay. 'Cause I was worried about you.

That guy was progressively

lighter from head to toe.

Who dresses him?

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